My bag and i, past and present

I have had this big black rectangular shaped shoulder bag i got as i enrolled university some time ago. It has one big compartment and another smaller one with the university’s name and logo printed in white in front of it. The figure was big enough that when i put the cord right on my shoulder, the bottom part of the bag could reach my knee. Not that i was too small figured, but it was huge. Lots of students treated the bag in daily basis as like a trademark of being a fresh undergraduate student and being proud of it, or simply don’t have enough money to buy a new one (this was one of my case).

I put as much thing as i could in the bag; books, notes, umbrella, spare pair of socks, toothbrush, lab coat, plain water, telekung. It became really awkward to walk off without it. I was appended to the big black bag until i passed the first year and i got a bigger locker of my own, right down the library hall. The bag went too worn out and students who still utilized it dropped to only a few.

Walking around campus, it was a surprise to see how many female students i found carrying their books and belongings in the very same tote bag and laid such significant emphasis on handbags. Although there is such a wide variety for people to choose from, i was lucky enough that in the chemistry course i was in, style and fashion were not the most concern. So, after the big black bag season, all i could remember i only have one free green Earth Day bag and another black bag with cute lion printed given by Lang the Vietnamese guy (i missed u pal!). Both were made of loom woven cotton with fringed bottom corners. Too bad it is now far from my knowledge of where the bags are.

The memory of the bags flew in when i brushed my teeth this morning. Even that i don’t know what is the correlation between the bag and my teeth, but i do feel like i am the big black bag. Worn out and forgotten. Period.

Once upon a time..

Someone told me, a long time ago, "wise man only comes once"
..but i don't believe her.










Now i do believe her.
..but i believe all those man are already taken too.

Call me "Peanut" if you like

7:25 pm, the past day. I was on my way home from work whilst i listen to the DJ radio telltale of a kitten and peanut butter. At the outset, i thought it was about a kitten who loves peanut butter, but it turned out that at some place on earth, a little kitten was stuck in a peanut butter jar on it’s head. A man who came across the kitten tried to chase him, to help him out of the jar, but the kitten ran away of fear. Only that 19 days (nineteen days!) after that, the same man saw the same kitten, merely this time he managed to catch him. After he released the poor little kitten from the jar, he decided to keep him and call him Survivor (I will call him Peanut, if i were the man)

On my second thought, i imagine someone is really playing tricks to call me like Peanut somehow. She asked me last week “it is hard to live in Malaysia; discriminations, bureaucracies, small incomes.. why do you still want to reside here?” What could she see if she left the country for so long? What could she knew about being around the people who loves her and feel completely at ease? I am not the one who scatter away if the going gets tough. I love my country, and i love being one with it.

I believe Peanut (a.k.a Survivor) was just playing astronaut, which was the single stretch he felt great about himself. Yes, for a damn 19 days!

I don't know what to call it

This dish is really a supreme seafood galore and remarkably easy to make. It's laksa'ish (minched fish nub + laksa mee) with coconut milk and a bit curry flavour. Plus turmeric for the colour. The other fillings are prawns, white squid, crab finger, fish balls and some vege. It amazingly delicious.

Lets just call it a self-made breakfast for me this morning :)

See how happy i am

Got these from Mashytah. The phrases in bold are my answers. Enjoy!

1. I find it easy to smile
2. No one wants to be alone
3. I just ate whatever tasty
4. The last person I met was the marketing guy
5. I couldn’t care less about being hate
6. What is special to me is myself muahahaha..
7. If I could be in a tv show, I would be in "who wants to be a millionaire" as a winner
8. The magazine that I always read is Business Week & Fortune (office subscriptions)
9. One Malaysian that I find very pretty is Rozita Che.. apa ntah the one who's being gossiped with Azizan Nin.
10. Yesterday, I went to Bukit Belacan sight seing
11. Yesterday, I bought army printed shorts
12. Yesterday, I met Wan yay!
13. The last time I felt really worried was being transferred to a far far away workplace
14. What I really , really want to buy is a holiday package
15. My favourite color is (colours are) red and blue
16. I really hate this word, and it is shut up
17. I would never color my hair with this color any colour let it be natural
18. The animal that represent me the most is rabbit the teeth eh?
19. Tomorrow , I am going to work again I hate it!
20. Being cool is being brave and independant
21. I always say ‘I love you’ whenever i want
22. I wish I could tell him, he is the finest gentleman
23. The biggest disappointment for me is i couldn't tell him the truth
24. For me,the worst smell of perfume is minyak atar
25. Commitment is being invovle
26. A liar is someone who can't simply tell the truth hehe..

Kakak is fine, kakak always hope you are fine too :)

That is how it goes

Sitting on damp green grass, surrounded by loneliness, i am being tied in with a solitary apple tree on top of a windy hill. The branches are all covered with half ripe apples, half green and half yellow. I shelter myself under the apple tree from the soft gentle drizzles that slowly draw closer from above. I look over and i see white clouds floating like cotton wool on a blue sheet of cloth. Crossways in front of me from where i sit, the ocean sings a melodious rhythm continuously. My eyes are hook on the green leaves, trap on the branches and fruits, wet with rain. How long until the fruits turn red, ripe and ready to be pluck? Will my endurance last? How long will it be before i have to leave this apple tree with a basketful of delightful apples? Or will i go back empty handedly, out of my compassion not to hurt the branches nor the tree or simply myself. And will i pluck the right apple? I sit still.

Every week and every month, i missed you. I care for you. But i couldn’t say it, it seems to me it is not worth for you anymore. Not worth at all.

At this very moment i know, i am being bound to you. Forever.

Here and back again

Happy Hari Raya everyone!!

This is a quickie, just to announce my come back to the same old routine i attached and hated so much. So much that i could puke my brain out right now. In fact, there are just me and 2 other staffs working today, wonder why my superior was so kedekut to let me beraya a little longer. Here are some special events during hari raya;

1) I got myself 6 pieces of baju raya (including the one i wear today, and perhaps another one tomorrow). The biggest number i have ever had so far.

2) My dearest and most handsome abah paid my zakat this year, after letting me doing my own duty for 5 years straight.

3) After a small chat, a standard 2 boy suddenly asked me "engkau darjah berapa?" haha.. i could have been his mom! And surprisingly he believed me when i told him i am in standard 4! (is it too obvious i look that dumb?)

4) I texted someone "saya minta maaf atas apa pun silap saya, sama ada yang saya sedari atau tak, di depan atau di belakang awak, dengan atau tanpa niat. I never meant to hurt you" which at the end of the day, i don't really meant it!

5) I missed someone terribly. And to top that, i couldn't tell him so.

Look what life has done to me

Deep fried fish with 3 tastes sauce, butter prawns, spicy bamboo shout, baby kalian fried with salted fish, plain rice, chinese tea and star fruit juice. A cheerful boy in a dirty white t-shirt waving his parents from afar. A young gentleman next to our table keeps his eyes through the breached floor, daydreaming. The sound of the sea pounding in the air, smooth but intensely. A restaurant full of people, sit tightly around their table, immersing in a day hunger. Waiters holding full weight of supreme fare run from table to table unloading them. Raindrops, latent on my hands. A mom in red blouse turns her head away from her son, pretend to be scare while he playing ghost. The sun has merely far from sight. I am sitting at the centre of the world, letting the hidden part of my feelings glow into rays of unspeakable language on my smiling face. A well-behave man, sitting before me, looking restless and lost for words, smiling while gazing the dark sky.

Are you a segment of my dreams, or will you stay for me in reality?

Otanjou-bi omedetou gozaimasu!

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Pablo Neruda, Sonnet XVII

p/s; the sonnet is not address to anybody. Seriously.

So to speak

It is hard to be someone between employee and bonuses. Really.

My boss keep skirting around if i pop up about bonuses. The answer will digress and suddenly the problem with the nation be like ours to discuss and finally resolve. There will be talks about Maybank conspiracy, credit cards, rojak and cendol, Yakuza, arwah Nurin and rumours, you name it. The thin layer between yes and no seems so hard to identify.

He is either a very charismatic authoritarian guy or he uses hypnotism. I keep myself unable to focus on bonuses after every conversation. What is apparent from my experience with him these 2 years is that his workers cant really put their guts in order to speak about extra moolahs ever before. It was heavenly for him.

Now it’s me, the person who is in charge of salaries, bonuses, commissions, reimbursements, allowances and what not hit myself up with thousands of reasons to both occasions; yes or no to annual bonuses. It is plain to me, after talking to somebody, that there are 2 separate identities that i need to be addressed; being an employer as opposed to being an employee.

“Do you know why is great to be you?”
“No, why?”
“Because you can be both parties. You’ll be loved by your boss and staff nonetheless with or without bonuses. They’ll just blame themselves not you”

Now i know better. Hehe..

Luna

"I'll let him know when i see him again.."

I woke up this morning to the noise of rain tapping on my windows. I miss that sound. It wasn’t dark outside and the shades let light from the overcast sky sneaked its way in, right on my bed, my pillows and my face. I was pushed away under my comforter thinking about comparable mornings like this. No, i seldomly wake up as early as 5am if it is not around Ramadhan.

The first thing i notice was this huge bright light at the corner of the window. It was really beautiful. Low hanging and lay in a very great shape. I can't believe my eyes, a big giant moon stands before me greeting my morning. It was peeking through bricks of buildings and mountain ridgets, doing its best trick on me. My brain getting faster by minutes, finding the best way to complete that feeling i was having. Elated. Thank goodness for this opputunity. I wish i shall meet the moon again tomorrow, as soon as i open my eyes.

Debut

Happy fasting everyone out there (sorry for not replying any of your smses, i can't find the best wish to give back to all of you, blame my carpel tunnel syndrome, hehe..) I am aware that i havn't update this in AGES! But as its Ramadhan, and i like the feeling of coming celebration, fresh start and all that i thought i'd start writing again, but basically it is just that i have something to tell. But actually i still dunno what to write about ;)

A little something to anyone who missed Cheras Courts Mammoth sale last weekend, it was satisfying. I was looking for blender and DVD player (all for half price), but the first day turned out that i only managed to get a car vacuum cleaner for RM1.00. The crowd was huge and the items were sold in limited quantities. On the second day, my friends and i went as early as 8:30am, and the crowd was even bigger. I can't believe that people have that crave for shopping that much. Dah rezeki alhamdulillah, i managed to grab Pensonic DVD player and 3 pillows for RM82.00. Next aim for shopping : SHOES.

Hey kamu, dengar sini

Kami membesar bersama. Walau pada kebiasaannya dia sentiasa lebih besar daripada saya. Dulu dia 40kg lebih besar dari saya, tapi sekarang sudah tinggal 10kg saja saya ketinggalan. Dan bukan saya yang membesar, itu fakta, haha.

Kalau saya mahu cerita tentang pengecilan saiz badan, saya kurang arif tentang itu. Tapi saya mahu cerita tentang kawan saya tadi. Selama ini saya sentiasa bersyukur dan gembira untuk dia, saya fikir dia sudah happily ever after dengan kawan saya yang seorang lagi, rupanya tidak. Cerita sebelah pihak menunjukkan yang si teruna terkeliru dengan perasaan sendiri, lalu memutuskan hubungan. Saya tak pernah suka dengan cerita sebegini. Kawan saya tadi sedikit tersentak dan hiba. Dia kata dia ok, tapi saya tahu sakitnya tetap berbisa.

Semua orang pernah rasa sakitnya cinta tak menjadi. Semua orang tahu. Kalau yang tidak pernah tahu pun mesti pernah lihat adegan patah hati; menangis, menjerit, membaling itu ini, sembahyang, mengamuk, memaki. Ada adegan dalam televisyen dan alam nyata. Relatifnya adegan putus cinta ini sama sahaja, pahit dan memenatkan. Ada yang makan masa berminggu, berbulan, bertahun dan ada yang sampai sudah lali. Dan saya sebagai penonton pada aksi-aksi begini biasanya cuma mendiam diri, melihat dan mendengar apa yang patut.

Selain penonton, sebenarnya saya juga pernah menjadi orang putus cinta. Saya pilih watak yang paling baik untuk dilakon dan digaya-gayakan, akhirnya saya cuma jadi orang yang menangis 2-3 hari tanpa pelakon tambahan. Kesakitan itu sangat susah nak dikongsikan. Saya kurang sakit pada luka pertama, mungkin kerana saya masih muda dan attention span saya pada dia kurang lama. Luka kedua dan ketiga berlarut-larutan, luka dan sembuh sendiri. Sama macam kawan saya tadi, luka dia kali ini kurang memberi kesan (sebab dia ada penyembuhnya, haha).

Cuma saya ingin sekali memberi amaran, pada kawan saya yang seorang lagi ini, yang saya rasa telah memberi parut pada hati kawan saya, don't mess with my friends. Sekali ini cukup. Kalau kamu buat juga teruk kamu nanti saya kerjakan! Takut tak?

Strange

It was a good weekend. Suriani's & Azean's wedding (congrats girl, strange enough that both of the hubby names are Khairil & Khirul Nizam). And my best friend wedding -Zaini.

Saya datang ke rumah Zaini seorang diri, memakai baju kurung polos coklat dan kasut tumit tinggi. Kebetulan waktu saya sampai pengantin baru sahaja diarak masuk ke rumah. Saya nampak Zaini and his partner, sweet and complement each other so well. Saya maklum dan saya rasa ramai orang maklum akan soalan yang akan ditanya kepada orang seperti saya apabila berjumpa dalam majlis perkahwinan. Tetapi soalan itu tak wujud pun selama saya hadiri majlis perkahwinan Zaini. Dari saya berpura-pura menyertai rombongan pengantin, makan, mendukung anak kawan, menyapa kawan-kawan sehinggalah saya ambil keputusan untuk pulang awal. Strange, very strange. Biasanya saya akan bersusah payah terpaksa mencipta hujah separuh masak untuk soalan itu.

So, akhir sekali saya dengan baju coklat dan kasut tumit tinggi pun balik sahaja ke rumah dengan perasaan penuh hairan. Cerita ini belum tamat. Ketika saya sampai ke kereta, saya terus mengeluarkan kunci kereta dan penuh ajaib sekali lagi, alarm kunci kereta saya tidak mahu berfungsi. Puas ditekan-tekan ditenyeh-tenyeh, tak mahu juga dia terbuka. Saya mula naik angin, waktu paneh menyongge inilah kereta saya mahu buat lawak. Kemarahan saya mula membuak, setelah pujuk rayu pun tak makan, saya pun beri kereta saya satu tendangan hikmat. Dan bermulalah episod kereta saya bernenong-nenong di tengah khalayak majlis kahwin. Saya malu bukan kepalang dan terus berusaha keras. Orang disekitar mula memerhati.

Ketika itulah ada seorang budak lelaki berambut kerinting datang kepada saya dan bertanya. "Ada apa kak?". "Ni ha, alarm rosak kot" jawab saya dan membelek-belek alarm yang rupa-rupanya bukan alarm kereta yang biasa saya pakai. Saya pun tak faham macam mana saya boleh terlupa yang hari itu saya memakai kereta yang lain, yang saya park few cars away dibelakang kereta itu, dan saya pun hairan macam manalah saya boleh tidak perasan yang kereta itu bukan kepunyaan saya, cuma model dan warnanya sama. "Bukan rosak tu, salah alarm tu kak" kata budak itu lagi.

Saya yang teramat malu akhirnya terpaksa mengaku dan pergi begitu sahaja tanpa meminta maaf kerana telah menyepak kereta dia. Ohh.. minta maaf lah ye. Saya terus rasa ajaib memikirkan bagaimana saya telah memalukan diri sedemikian rupa. Strange but true.

Ceritera

Saya terlalu ingin menceritakan hal ini kepada Hafez, seperti selalu. Dia yang baik hati selalu juga melayan cerita saya yang entah apa-apa. Hari ini saya masih juga ingin sampaikan cerita ini pada Hafez. Cuma saya harap Hafez temui cerita ini di sini untuk kali ini.

Namanya En. Rahim, berumur 30-an dan bekerja dengan Syarikat XYZ. Beberapa hari lalu dia menghubungi saya di pejabat mengenai bayaran tertunggak yang belum dijelaskan lagi oleh syarikat saya dan beberapa dokumen yang perlu disertakan. Saya dengan penuh malu memaklumkan pada dia yang segalanya telahpun sedia, cuma saya belum berkesempatan menghantar dokumen dan bayaran itu kepada syarikatnya. Dia dengan tenangnya memberitahu yang dia akan datang sendiri ke pejabat saya. Dan janjinya itu membuatkan saya rasa amat lega.

En Rahim yang kemas berbaju kemeja biru dan berkaca mata (saya tak sempat melihat warna seluarnya) selesa duduk di hadapan meja saya setelah dipelawa. Meja saya penuh dan berselerak dengan 4 buah fail yang terbuka. Tisu terpakai juga ada beberapa helai di atas key-board. Sepapan Clarinase yang tinggal berbaki 2 biji betul-betul di hadapan En. Rahim. Dia senyum sahaja semasa saya meminta maaf kerana terlupa di mana letaknya dokumen yang perlu saya serahkan padanya.

Saya selak setiap fail di hadapan saya. Di atas tray juga saya selak satu persatu. Dokumen itu masih belum dijumpai. Saya mohon maaf padanya berkali-kali, maaf kerana tidak bersedia dengan kedatangannya, maaf kerana membuat dia menunggu lama, maaf kerana saya yang cemerkap ini telah terjatuhkan alat tulis padanya. En. Rahim senyum sahaja. Akhir sekali setelah membuka laci buat kali ke dua, barulah saya temui dokumen itu di sana.

Dengan ekor mata, saya tahu En. Rahim menuruti saya dengan renungannya. Dia memerhatikan saya semasa saya resah menggeledah seluruh pejabat. Mungkin dia menyampah dengan carakerja saya, mungkin dia hairan mengapa saya tidak memakai kasut atau mungkin dia sudah terlalu bosan. Saya malu dengan muka yang sembab dengan hidung kemerahan dan mata yang sedikit bengkak. Saya kurang sihat sedikit ditambah pula dengan prestasi perasaan yang kurang memuaskan, muka saya memang tidak layak untuk dikategorikan sebagai comel.

Setelah saya semak ala kadar dan serahkan dokumen itu, En. Rahim memandang tepat ke mata saya. Dia senyum sedikit tapi saya tidak menyambutnya. Lalu dia berkata sesuatu yang saya sangat perlukan waktu ini. “..you are going to be fine..”

Dan ketika ayat itu dihabiskan, saya rasa ada perasaan halus yang hangat mengalir dari kepala ke kaki saya. Seperti perasaan sewaktu dibungkus tuala bersih dan panas setelah seharian lencun dek air hujan dan lumpur. Saya rasa selesa, dan saya membalas secantik mungkin senyumnya tadi. Serasa mahu sahaja saya salam dan cium tangannya untuk mengucapkan terima kasih (oh, saya tahu saya tak boleh menyentuh dia). Dan ketika dia mengucap salam perpisahan, hangatnya ucapan itu masih kekal bersama saya.

___________________

Dan saya juga terlalu ingin untuk mendengarkan ayat “Love means letting go” dari seseorang. Air mata masih lagi mengenangi kelopak mata.

Saya nak..

Apa yang saya betul-betul nak buat sekarang?

Saya nak berada di kawasan padang rumput hijau yang luas, yang dihujung rumput tu masih basah dengan air embun. Matahari yang belum terik bersinar masih lagi sembunyi di balik bukit nun di hujung sana. Langit biru terbentang luas tanpa awan yang mengaburi. Angin lembut dan sejuk bertiup sekali sekala ke badan dan rambut saya. Dan ya, saya seorang sahaja dengan pakaian saya yang paling selesa. Tak ada bunyi burung. Tak ada rama-rama. Cuma saya dan padang rumput luas itu. Saya nak baring atas rumput hujau, biarkan baju saya basah sedikit dek air embun, baring menatap langit lepas. Biarkan diri saya dibuai perasaan yang tenteram. Dan telinga saya mahu mendengar lagu ini:

Ku mengerti perpisahan ini
Bukan kerana kau membenci
Tapi kasih yang pernah ku beri
Tiada lagi bersama

Sering kala aku terlihatkan mu
Impian nan indah julang bahagia
Ku harungi hari demi hari
Bersama wajah tak mungkin akan kembali
Tapi hati masih tak terima
Ditinggalkan sengsara

Keraguan ini bukanlah padamu
Perasaan hati masih rindu
Kekalutan ini hanyalah untukku
Tercari-cari bayanganmu
Tak sanggup aku kehilangan
Kehilanganmu.

Tagged

Ok, so i felt like bull shits dropped right on my face, when i’ve been tagged. Seriously, Judd. Who on earth would want to reveal the weirdest, deepest, darkest, worst habits of their own right? Even so, i still hope these would explain a lot about me. I am not really a good girl as people used to see me. I truly am. Enjoy!

1. I am a spoiled brat. I cry a lot if something has gone over my entreaty, but of course i don’t like to show my sadness off in public. My crying spot is in my bedroom or in the toilet.

2. I took cigarettes in the span of less than 3 months long time ago. Faced with a bit rough problems, i thought ruining myself was almost the best way to achieve. Stupid, but i quit as soon as i regain my sanity. And mission accomplished, i did wreck my respiratory tracks!

3. I hate to wait. Sorry if i gone mad after some time of waiting. I can easily burst into madness if i have to wait especially if i am alone with nothing to do. Exception will always be there to whom i love most!

4. I am a superstitious person. I always feel that things happen with a reason and God will show if something good or bad are about to occur. Simplest is black clouds when it’s going to be rain. Complicated like got itchy right hand if my purse will turn fatter, hahaha.. anybody out there believe it too?

5. I am tone deaf. I can’t sing. Maybe the worst voice anyone would ever heard, maybe worse than hearing an old Ah Pek farting. Vitally serious, but sorry i do sing sometimes. Tahan jelah ye.. Kak Yana will be more than happy to agree with it too.

6. I love being in love. With the right person of course. What weird abut that? Because i continually will turn weird when i’m in love. Sincerely.

By the way, my bloggie is 3 years old now. Yippie..

Simply

We talked
we laughed
together.

I am still happy remembering every moment i spend with you. I am still able to look things that go wrong and laugh, because there are enough good things I share with you.

bonding with you,
thinking of you,
writing about you,
seeing you again
and again.

My contentment is like a disease. It takes me over and i go through periods of this absolute jubilation that doesn't go missing for anything. I don't know what causes it, but i'm happier now than i've been before, and that's all that matters.

for the same classic cause
I love you, the unplanned part in my life.

Thank you
anywho.

Through my goggles

I am in a really good mood to blog again. I've changed the lay out even i still dont think that this is the best, plus i didn’t manage to find ways to change the sidebars. My favourite section; 'Gurindam' cannot be added too.

A few days ago my boss asked me if i am concerned about taking an accountancy course, so that i could assist them in managerial tasks. He convinced me that i might find accountancy is quite easy as it only include the process of sums and numbers without including alphabet as much as chemistry does. I declined without reason, but it makes sense kan?

I am highly obsessed with beautiful words and enjoy making poems and haikus as much as i love pathophysiology and chemical bonding. I draw as side income, and make use both sides of my brain most of the time. So the puzzle begin, am i a scientist or an artist? or both? And i questioned myself why shouldn’t i do art studies when i think i am good at it? The riddle remains until today when i met an unfortunate event of art vs science.

How could there be toleration between 0 and 1 in art? I still didn’t get it.

For me art is subjective, has no limits, no totally right or wrong perspectives. It is a creation of creative mind and emotion. The evaluation of art is differ in every standard. Aside from science which determining the truth or finding objective fact through experimentation, hypothesis and theory which correspond with reality. No person's opinion of any connotation in comparison to an actual test of theory in deciding whether it is right or wrong. And the facts remind me of why science is still a priority for me. A scientist i am.

Happy.. happy..

Biar teratai
Andai tasik pun kering
Cinta bertaut