Not like any other day day

I cannot explain why I feel this way but every time I left my tot in the morning induces the feeling like suffocating. Thinking about how I won't be able to bounce her in my lap, kiss her cheeks, play with her, or sniff her hair fills me with total despair. I don't know why. I didn’t make any room for common sense.

It is so hard to leave my little tot at home every morning, and yet it is harder not to be working. I know that there are many working moms that feel this way, but why is it really so hard? I love to be back out in the workforce but waving goodbye and see her gloomy eyes really make me lose my thunder.

She is a very good girl – never throw tantrums when I left for work even that she is exactly like a walking tornado. Usually we will enjoy our little sweet moments together in the mornings; cuddling and exchange sticky and slobbery smooches. But this morning when my girl woke up and saw me all preppy to work she just went out the bedroom and straight to my mom in law. She knew it is time for me to leave her. She knew she would be left alone with my mom in law. She knew I would not be available for her for the rest of the day. She's rather independent and I know she will be just fine away from me for the day.

Today she is different. She walked away when I call her and refuse to be hugged. I knew she was sad so I took her in my arms and say sorry to her that I have to leave. I am so sorry that I am not the one who spend time with you; experiencing new things, playing new games. I am so sorry that I am unable to be there for you and I feel sad too. I promise you that we would have great time together when I am off work. Her face turned red and gloomy.

And this morning when waving goodbye at the door, she cried.