A growing man, he is

I couldn't quite remember the time he entered our big family. I was only 5. During his childhood, he was a kind of girlie type with his long red hair. I could clearly remember the way he asked me to tie up his hair everytime he wanted to play with Erna.

He is now 18 years old. Young and strong. He always feel strange in his own family, like it doesn't work the same way it always had. He thinks no one else is like him, that everybody is too harsh on him and dont appreciate what he do around. He even wonder how he got into a family as dull as his. But the thing is, his entire self has changed. He is irritable, silent and mad for no reason.

Anyway, somebody said that it is a normal process for a growing man. "He is being exposed to more and more foul language, blatantly rebellious attitude and people who are just plain carnal around him (excluding his family). He believes that life had just begun and that he'll live like forever, so he forgot how fragile the life is. Let him have fun, getting out of system, make mistakes, just growing and let him learn by his own. As long as he have faith, he'll be ok." Hmm.. i hope, i hope that he'll turn to that red-hair boy again.

A story about nothing

"What will you have for lunch?"
"I dont know. Ikan sembilang and some fried vege.. maybe. Why?
"Nothing. You said something yesterday. Why is it so?"
"Nothing."

"Have you thought about the direction your love-life is taking L? You may have certain questions about your romances, both past and present. Although this end-of-the-year period is traditionally one of reflection, and often of doubt, do not forget that the energy and effort you put in over the Summer will bring you the fruits you are seeking during the coming Spring. It is easy to get bogged down with excess emotional baggage, so try to keep a certain perspective and use the energy of the sociable Aquarius Moon to demonstrate to those around you that you are still sticking firmly to the path you have chosen to lead. You can also expect this Moon to bring you random moments of joy and laughter and your finances, although this may be difficult for you to believe, look set to evolve in a very positive manner over the next few days."

I could have have you.. Nothing.

Legally er.. blunder?

I like to think that i can take care of rudimentary legal problems in my life, driving licence, robbery, bank account shortage, insurance claim.. name it. But being faced with a troublesome "copyright" (the capital c in a circle) problem, i cant be on the ball. I am dangerously happy for a period of soaking, swimming or even absorbing liquids or solids with skull and crossed-bones and countless warning than this particular thingy with a bang. Ok, one local megazine has published my article (this is the good side of the story) BUT by someone else's name! Duh! What the hell? So i checked this out:

"Ownership of a copyright, or of any of the exclusive rights under a copyright, is distinct from ownership of any material object in which the work is embodied. Transfer of ownership of any material object, including the copy or phonorecord in which the work is first fixed, does not of itself convey any rights in the copyrighted work embodied in the object; nor, in the absence of an agreement, does transfer of ownership of a copyright or of any exclusive rights under a copyright convey property rights in any material object."

I am going to take offence today to have some clarifications. I have a bone to pick with them. Do i need a lawyer? Oh, by the way, that named person has a LLB from a local uni after her name. I'm sure she knows well in advance. Eh satu lagi, tengok Tiger Cup tak semalam? The Thai's scorer tu off side kan?

JD

Till we meet again in the next season! '..but i do feel i will miss you much, miss you much..' sob sob!

When she cries

I was watching people swinging in a pack LRT ride from Taman Melati to KL Sentral on Saturday (thanks for the invitation, again!) when a woman dressed in blue suddenly accosted me in a low voice. Her eyes filled with tears. "I have tried to make things work." She took another deep breathe to fought back the tears and looked through the window. "What i'm going to do?" she said in a meek voice and firmly wraped her arms around her torso.

I pity her so much but i was numb, i couldn't say a word. I hold her hand while she rested her head on my shoulder and begin to sob. "Sometimes its okay to give up, and let nature do it's own way." Shut up! With that sentence, she cried more. So, i let her cry and muted myself. Anyway, i dont know her, but i recognize the pain she suffered. She left with a smile, and i really hope that she'll be ok. This is for you, be strong!

Nonetheless, it's mak's birthday! So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAK!

Four weddings and a funeral

I met a retired teacher Marie, who suffered from a fatal illness last year. She was a small figured lady with pale skin and wide smile. Aged almost 60. She smelled faintly sour, the way people on medication sometimes do. The doctor guessed she had 2 years left, but she knew it was less. On firm tenderly grip of our fingers, she asked; "tell me dear, what are you going to have in 5 years time, which i may not know." So, i told her about studies, big houses and cars, my own kindergarten and my beautiful raising children. Period. She smiled and said; "where's your husband?" Bingo!

To my just-married friends; Nadiah and Azizan, Aini and Rahmat, Sarah and Suffian, Siti and Zul, may the love that brought you together continue to blossom and flourish throughout your lives. And to you Marie, may you rest in peace.

Pardon me; I am sick!

I was sick last weekend. And am still not feeling well today. Neither climate changes nor tenses made me so. Cause is unknown. I have been sicker every week for the past few months.

God, i hate to be sick. I promptly spent one and half hour over the toilet. I woke up at 2am on and off puking and sleeping all night. So i went to the doctor on Sunday who took about 20 minutes checking here and there to tell me that i got Mr. Migraine, Ms. Gastritis and food poisoning of some sort. The doctor told me to take some serious rest for 2 days and then I should be ok for Wednesday. I am feeling only a small bit better, and I really dont expect it to get better. I am sick of my sicknesses. But anyone who isn't disturbed by the sickness that sickens them everytime they feel sick are sicker than me! Oh, by the way, thanks for Mr. Sony to entertain me while i was heavenly lying around doing nothing those MC days. Hmm, what happen to the prom? Mr. Sony?

A raya is

If i complete my duty to fast and pay zakat; i am just an ordinary muslim. If i decorate my house perfectly with beautiful curtains and strands of twinkling lights; i am just another decorator. If i slave away in the kitchen, baking dozens of cookies and preparing gourment meals; i am just another cook. If i am contributing some money or clothes to the kids; i am just another philantrophist. So, on one dark, dreary and raining raya i asked my baby cousins about what a raya is.

"Raya tu bila kita pakai baju raya, makan kuih raya, dapat duit raya, pergi jalan raya.. itu la raya!" Aiyoh.. itu maciam pun bole ka? I need to be as simple as kids then!

SELAMAT HARI RAYA (yes, belated i know)

Kuih

Ada kuih bakar, tepung pelita, karipap, roti jala, kuih yang biji-biji warna merah dengan kelapa dan kuih yang entah aku pun tak tahu namanya. Ada jugak air minuman sejuk bermacam warna. Air kelapa, air soya, air tebu, air tembikai dan air warna biru itu air apa? Lauk pauk pun beraneka macam. Masakan ikan, ayam, daging; direndang, digulai, dipercik (yum..yum) dimasak itu ini. Sayur campur yang masak cuma 5 minit pun ada. Bulan puasa dah jadi pesta makan dan pesta makanan! Aku tak mahu kuih apa-apa. Tak mahu lauk apa-apa. Aku tak ingin apa-apa. Aku cuma nak makan dengan kamu. Aku nak kamu makan dengan aku. Sigh!

Mak, tengah masak apa tu?

Dont be messin' with ME

Tired and sick of working. Putting it simple, I have a VERY bad hair day. Hate it! Fortunately, there are still reasons for me staying here, (either than the fact that I'm bonded for that PTPTN stuff). Work is pretty easy as no one is breathing down my neck. So it’s kinda like heaven for lazy people. Don't get me wrong, I love work, but it has to be done systematically, the right personnel, the right way. I don't feel I owe anything to them after what they've put me through. I'd tried settling the loan funds; they insisted me to pay the entire amount or RM18K. I told myself to give it one more shot obviously I missed. I guess it's the only way or the highway.

Had a great time at kampung last weekend. Despite it, life is still lonely and seemed to be lacking in purpose. Can't seem to stay focus on anything I do. Perhaps it’s really a sign to strive forward instead of looking back in the past. I'm totally messed up; still not in one piece.

Kuliah Ramadhan III

Khutbah Rasulullah menyambut Ramadhan III (Akhir)

"Wahai manusia, sesungguhnya kamu akan dinaungi oleh bulan yang senantiasa besar lagi penuh keberkahan, yaitu bulan yang di dalamnya ada suatu malam yang lebih baik dari seribu bulan; bulan yang Allah telah menjadikan puasanya suatu fardhu, dan qiyam di malam harinya suatu tathawwu'. Barangsiapa mendekatkan diri kepada Allah dengan suatu pekerjaan kebajikan di dalamnya, samalah dia dengan orang yang menunaikan suatu fardhu di dalam bulan yang lain. Ramadhan itu adalah bulan sabar, sedangkan sabar itu adalah pahalanya surga. Ramadhan itu adalah bulan memberi pertolongan (syahrul muwasah) dan bulan Allah memberikan rizqi kepada mukmin di dalamnya."

"Barangsiapa memberikan makanan berbuka seseorang yang berpuasa, adalah yang demikian itu merupakan pengampunan bagi dosanya dan kemerdekaan dirinya dari neraka. Orang yang memberikan makanan itu memperoleh pahala seperti orang yang berpuasa tanpa sedikitpun berkurang."

Para sahabat berkata, "Ya Rasulullah, tidaklah semua kami memiliki makanan berbuka puasa untuk orang lain yang berpuasa. Maka bersabdalah Rasulullah saw, "Allah memberikan pahala kepada orang yang memberi sebutir kurma, atau seteguk air, atau sehirup susu. Dialah bulan yang permulaannya rahmat,pertengahannya ampunan dan akhirnya pembebasan dari neraka. Barangsiapa meringankan beban dari budak sahaya (termasuk di sini para pembantu rumah) niscaya Allah mengampuni dosanya dan memerdekakannya dari neraka."

"Oleh karena itu banyakkanlah yang empat perkara di bulan Ramadhan; dua perkara untuk mendatangkan keridhaan Tuhanmu, dan dua perkara lagi kamu sangat menghajatinya. Dua perkara yang pertama ialah mengakui dengan sesungguhnya bahwa tidak ada Tuhan selain Allah dan mohon ampun kepada-Nya .Dua perkara yang kamu sangat memerlukannya ialah mohon surga dan perlindungan dari neraka."

"Barangsiapa memberi minum kepada orang yang berbuka puasa, niscaya Allah memberi minum kepadanya dari air kolam-Ku dengan suatu minuman yang dia tidak merasakan haus lagi sesudahnya, sehingga dia masuk ke dalam syurga."

(HR. Ibnu Huzaimah).

Kuliah Ramadhan II

Khutbah Rasulullah menyambut Ramadhan II

Wahai manusia! Barang siapa di antaramu memberi buka kepada orang-orang mukmin yang berpuasa di bulan ini, maka di sisi ALLAH nilainya sama dengan membebaskan seorang budak dan dia diberi ampunan atas dosa-dosa yang lalu. (Sahabat-sahabat lain bertanya: "Ya Rasulullah! Tidaklah kami semua mampu berbuat demikian."Rasulullah meneruskan:) Jagalah dirimu dari api neraka walaupun hanya dengan sebiji kurma. Jagalah dirimu dari api neraka walaupun hanya dengan seteguk air.

Wahai manusia! Siapa yang membaguskan akhlaknya di bulan ini ia akan berhasil melewati sirathol mustaqim pada hari ketika kaki-kaki tergelincir. Siapa yang meringankan pekerjaan orang-orang yang dimiliki tangan kanannya(pegawai atau pembantu) di bulan ini, ALLAH akan meringankan pemeriksaan-Nya di hari kiamat. Barangsiapa menahan kejelekannya di bulan ini, ALLAH akan menahan murka-Nya pada hari ia berjumpa dengan-Nya.

Barang siapa memuliakan anak yatim di bulan ini, ALLAH akan memuliakanya pada hari ia berjumpa dengan-Nya. Barang siapa menyambungkan tali persaudaraan (silaturahmi) di bulan ini, ALLAH akan menghubungkan dia dengan rahmat-Nya pada hari ia berjumpa dengan-Nya. Barang siapa memutuskan kekeluargaan di bulan ini, ALLAH akan memutuskan rahmat-Nya pada hari ia berjumpa dengan-Nya. Barangsiapa melakukan shalat sunat di bulan ini, ALLAH akan menuliskan baginya kebebasan dari api neraka. Barangsiapa melakukan shalat fardu baginya ganjaran seperti melakukan 70 shalat fardu di bulan lain. Barangsiapa memperbanyak shalawat kepadaku di bulan ini,ALLAH akan memberatkan timbangannya pada hari ketika timbangan meringan. Barangsiapa di bulan ini membaca satu ayat Al-Quran, ganjarannya sama seperti mengkhatam Al-Quran pada bulan-bulan yang lain.

Wahai manusia! Sesungguhnya pintu-pintu surga dibukakan bagimu, maka mintalah kepada Tuhanmu agar tidak pernah menutupkannya bagimu. Pintu-pintu neraka tertutup, maka mohonlah kepada Rabbmu untuk tidak akan pernah dibukakan bagimu. Setan-setan terbelenggu, maka mintalah agar ia tak lagi pernah menguasaimu. Amirul mukminin k.w. berkata: "Aku berdiri dan berkata:

"Ya Rasulullah! Apa amal yang paling utama di bulan ini?" Jawab Nabi:
"Ya Abal Hasan! Amal yang paling utama di bulan ini adalah menjaga diri dari apa yang diharamkan ALLAH".

Kuliah Ramadhan I

Khutbah Rasulullah menyambut Ramadhan.

"Wahai manusia! Sungguh telah datang pada kalian bulan ALLAH dengan membawa berkah rahmat dan maghfirah. Bulan yang paling mulia disisi ALLAH. Hari-harinya adalah hari-hari yang paling utama. Malam-malamnya adalah malam-malam yang paling utama. Jam demi jamnya adalah jam-jam yang paling utama.

Inilah bulan ketika kamu diundang menjadi tetamu ALLAH dan dimuliakan oleh-NYA. Di bulan ini nafas-nafasmu menjadi tasbih, tidurmu ibadah, amal-amalmu diterima dan doa-doamu diijabah. Bermohonlah kepada ALLAH Rabbmu dengan niat yang tulus dan hati yang suci agar ALLAH membimbingmu untuk melakukan shiyam dan membaca Kitab-Nya. Celakalah orang yang tidak mendapat ampunan ALLAH di bulan yang agung ini.

Kenanglah dengan rasa lapar dan hausmu kelaparan dan kehausan di hari kiamat. Bersedekahlah kepada kaum fuqara dan masakin. Muliakanlah orang tuamu, sayangilah yang muda, sambungkanlah tali persaudaraanmu, jaga lidahmu, tahan pandanganmu dari apa yang tidak halal kamu memandangnya dan pendengaranmu dari apa yang tidak halah kamu mendengarnya. Kasihilah anak-anak yatim, niscaya dikasihi manusia anak-anak yatimmu.

Bertaubatlah kepada ALLAH dari dosa-dosamu. Angkatlah tangan-tanganmu untuk berdoa pada waktu shalatmu karena itulah saat-saat yang paling utama ketika ALLAH Azza wa Jalla memandang hamba-hamba-Nya dengan penuh kasih; Dia menjawab mereka ketika mereka menyeru-Nya, menyambut mereka ketika mereka memanggil-Nya dan mengabulkan doa mereka ketika mereka berdoa kepada-Nya.

Wahai manusia! Sesungguhnya diri-dirimu tergadai karena amal-amalmu, maka bebaskanlah dengan istighfar. Punggung-punggungmu berat karena beban (dosa) mu, maka ringankanlah dengan memperpanjang sujudmu.Ketahuilah! ALLAH ta'ala bersumpah dengan segala kebesaran-Nya bahwa Dia tidak akan mengazab orang-orang yang shalat dan sujud, dan tidak akan mengancam mereka dengan neraka pada hari manusia berdiri di hadapan Rabb al-alamin.

Him

I've wrote this some time ago in my cyber diary:

"I really hope he’ll never know about my writings. I mean this webby. My cyber diary. As I finally discovered something; meeting him does one of the most desiring things I have ever hope (in good means). I find him as a person with full of emotions. He turns hot and cold in a swift. It made me feel as there’s still so much thing I don’t know about him. I find him quite bewildering. It’s like meeting a new guy as much as I turn to see his small eyes. I met him last night. This impressive, arousing, unexpected guy. I’m down with his advent. I have realized something upbeat to the eminence life of mine recently, after knowing him. Before, I was like most young woman whose just came from an awful breakup. I was isolating myself from the whole world. Stayed in my room, alone; jogging, reading, skiping meals, writing, reading, movie watching, sleeping, reading, bla.. bla.. bla.. A complete picture of a disorganized lonely life. Now, he has done wonders to me. I have learnt to appreciate my life well. I have learnt to care for his feeling, aside from mine which was far from similarities. I have learnt not to become self centered and find delight in seeing him smile or laugh. I learnt that there’s always somebody I can talk and listen to. And that is him.

This way or another, I guess, that’s one of tons uncounted reasons for admiring him. Yeah.. I like him. I admit it. Sincerely."

Happy Birthday to HIM

A bad hair day

"Repunzel, Repunzel let down your hair that I could climb the golden iron stair."

Ok, this is the story. I want to get my hair cut. I told the hairdresser so many times to leave the longest part alone, but she cut it shorter and shorter everytime she cut off the back part. What I really wanted was trim my hair and put some layer on both fringes so it wont look so volume and heavy. I love my Repunzel hair. [You look younger this way] I dont care if i look like an Ah Soh, I love my Repunzel hair. [See, your small cute face really suit the hair cut] Cute? Your head-lah. Did my red teary eyes look cute to you? [It's look like two hairdressers get their job done] Waaa.. I want my hair back! [Ok then, I'll give you some discount. Total = RM25.00] My lost hair is uncomparable you know.. sob.. sob.. Grow fast my dear hair. Grow fast and healthy.

"The golden iron stair has gone mama, tho the Prince is up here and we will live happily ever after."

When paper meets pencil

I was drawing again. It was the picture of a lost guy in his journey and his determination to be back whence he came all by his ownself. I did my best, but could not finish it. I always wanted to draw a picture of such beauty, which help me feeling the wonder of daily life, for it speaks in colours, curves and lines. A picture that carry the colour of life that reaches into my heart. Oh, forget about it. Jangan kutuk tau!

Haiku hari Selasa

Ketaidenwa oto
Yume meiki
Aishite imasu

Telefon berbunyi
Mengingat mimpi
Saya sayang kamu

Telephone rang
Remember the dreams
I love you

A haiku is Japanese peotic form, that contain seventeen syllables arranged in five,seven and five syllables respectively in three rows. And my Malay version haiku have 20 syllables, with eight, five and seven syllables for each rows. It's mine!

Inertia

The tendency of matter to remain at rest if at rest or to remain in motion in a straight line if in motion, unless pushed or pulled by an unbalanced force. [Newton's First Law]

For some reasons, trying hard to fix things isn't enough. I'm so tired and sick of sticking around even after direct and indirect signals, that i am not good at this. Maybe its the sheer inertia that stopping me to go further. Maybe its the geek thing in me that reluctant to change my routine and have a fresh new look. Maybe theres no force to keep my feet off the ground. Maybe i'm too scared. And maybe its because of YOU.

Doubutsu

Hari ini while having lunch ada seorang student duduk depan aku dengan baju hitam bertulisan hiragana. Aku cuma cam tiga suku kata, do u _ shi. Aku tulis dalam buku nota kecil satu lagi suku kata yang aku kurang cam. Sekarang aku dah tahu. Satu lagi suku kata itu 'bu' dan suku kata akhir itu rupanya 'tsu'. Jadi perkataan itu rupanya 'doubutsu' kata melayunya haiwan. Oh, satu kronologi menarik - seORANG student memakai baju DOUBUTSU dengan tulisan besar.

Jadi kalau dia boleh interpretasikan sesuatu dengan tulisan hiragana pada baju, jadi kalau aku, aku akan pilih tulisan yang begini pada baju :"Aku tak mahu pergi mesyuarat petang ini sebab aku malas dan aku sakit perut" Boleh begitu? Dan Harimu san sahaja yang akan faham. Matta arimashou!

What gives?

Here's what we got in Budget 2005.

121. [bla.. bla.. bla..] Untuk menjadikan profesion kedoktoran awam lebih remuneratif, Kerajaan akan melaksanakan kaedah rawatan swasta di hospital awam terpilih bermula dengan Hospital Putrajaya dan Selayang.

And here's what we got in the Minister's speech.

9. [bla.. bla.. bla..] ..beberapa kelemahan yang sering diperkatakan oleh rakyat. Isu yang menjadi buah mulut kini tidak melainkan long waiting time. Antara lainnya, diharapkan pengagihan sumber yang seimbang akan mengurangkan waiting time dan sudah pasti tindakan ini dapat memberi kepuasan kepada rakyat selaku pelanggan Kementerian.

I think it's funny to give the bees another comb. Dan kau tahu tak betapa susahnya aku terpaksa mencari baju batik tu?