Saya bingung mencari arah cerita

3:00 pagi. Satu jam lepas habis berbual dengan seorang teman yang jauh. Yang katanya akan datang seminggu lagi. Hati ada pitter patter, cuma saya tak beritahu dia. Mata saya berkedip-kedip memandang siling dan lampu. Kemudian saya bangun, memandang katil kosong. Ada sikat di hujung katil, mainan saya sebelum berusaha tidur tadi.

Saya kembali ke bilik mandi; gosok gigi, cuci muka, basuh kaki dan alirkan air sejuk ke tengkuk sekali lagi. Dan kemudian memandang katil kosong dan sikat. Saya duduk dibirai katil, menghadap tingkap. Dari aras ketinggian enam tingkat ini saya cuma nampak beberapa bangunan tinggi dan langit lepas yang gelap. Compaq saya jadi teman sementara waktu. Saya tekan-tekan key board mencari arah cerita.

Teringat cerita teman tadi; tentang anak saudaranya dan cerita 'Perkataan Cinta', tentang bola sepak, abang Gerrard dan tentang menjaga bayi. Sungguh saya senang bercerita dengan dia. Hati saya ada pitter patter, cuma saya tak beritahu dia. Saya kunjungi laman teman yang tak berpenghuni - rumah adik dan rumah kakak - sambil saya mencari arah cerita yang saya tak ketemui.

Akhirnya cuma ada satu moral. Buat saya terutamanya. Kan orang kata tanam padi tumbuhnya lalang, jadi kalau padi tak ditanam macam mana? Lalang akan tetap tumbuh bukan? Jadi bukankah lebih baik ditanam padi sebelum tumbuhnya lalang? Maksudnya berusaha dulu sebelum sesuatu yang buruk berlaku. Kalau yang baik sudah diusahakan, tapi tetap juga jadi yang buruk kan sekurang-kurangnya kita sudah berusaha. Kan?

Itulah moralnya; diantara teman saya tadi, katil kosong, langit gelap, bola sepak, padi dan lalang, pitter patter dan arah cerita yang tak ditemui. Saya bingung.

I am officially hate ME

I hate the fact that my life is well balance. Yes to be blatantly rude, my life is too normal. I am not really good or really bad in something. I am too average, too boring.

I hate that i am a good friend anyone could ever have. Never be more than that. To my girlfriends; i’m sorry that not all my secrets are to be shared. And to my boyfriends; i’m sorry that i still couldn’t bridge that gap between us. And I’m sorry i’m implausible to involve love between our liaisons. To anyone whom this may concern, i’m sorry that i’m afraid to be bonded (as much as i hate to be alone). I’m afraid of being jilted. I’m afraid that i could be hurt.

I hate that i am not myself anymore. It is not that i don’t want to be related or attached to anyone but i am now very fragile. And it is always just i who’ll take care of me. I hate that i can always pretend that i am tough and strong. I hate that i could always smile and laugh even that i wound inside. I hate that i am a very good actor with a very positive ethics.

I hate my job because i have none.

I hate that i’m still unprepared to leave this country, even that i tried to do it several times. I love my country but i hate to be governed by mindless, dim-witted, intolerable people with minimum capacity of integrity. I hate that the politicians could only bring humiliation to my Malaysia. I hate to see them talking and hoping that public will follow their shower of spits. I hate them make the nation look stupid.

But don’t worry, I love YOU. Honestly.