Saya bingung mencari arah cerita

3:00 pagi. Satu jam lepas habis berbual dengan seorang teman yang jauh. Yang katanya akan datang seminggu lagi. Hati ada pitter patter, cuma saya tak beritahu dia. Mata saya berkedip-kedip memandang siling dan lampu. Kemudian saya bangun, memandang katil kosong. Ada sikat di hujung katil, mainan saya sebelum berusaha tidur tadi.

Saya kembali ke bilik mandi; gosok gigi, cuci muka, basuh kaki dan alirkan air sejuk ke tengkuk sekali lagi. Dan kemudian memandang katil kosong dan sikat. Saya duduk dibirai katil, menghadap tingkap. Dari aras ketinggian enam tingkat ini saya cuma nampak beberapa bangunan tinggi dan langit lepas yang gelap. Compaq saya jadi teman sementara waktu. Saya tekan-tekan key board mencari arah cerita.

Teringat cerita teman tadi; tentang anak saudaranya dan cerita 'Perkataan Cinta', tentang bola sepak, abang Gerrard dan tentang menjaga bayi. Sungguh saya senang bercerita dengan dia. Hati saya ada pitter patter, cuma saya tak beritahu dia. Saya kunjungi laman teman yang tak berpenghuni - rumah adik dan rumah kakak - sambil saya mencari arah cerita yang saya tak ketemui.

Akhirnya cuma ada satu moral. Buat saya terutamanya. Kan orang kata tanam padi tumbuhnya lalang, jadi kalau padi tak ditanam macam mana? Lalang akan tetap tumbuh bukan? Jadi bukankah lebih baik ditanam padi sebelum tumbuhnya lalang? Maksudnya berusaha dulu sebelum sesuatu yang buruk berlaku. Kalau yang baik sudah diusahakan, tapi tetap juga jadi yang buruk kan sekurang-kurangnya kita sudah berusaha. Kan?

Itulah moralnya; diantara teman saya tadi, katil kosong, langit gelap, bola sepak, padi dan lalang, pitter patter dan arah cerita yang tak ditemui. Saya bingung.

I am officially hate ME

I hate the fact that my life is well balance. Yes to be blatantly rude, my life is too normal. I am not really good or really bad in something. I am too average, too boring.

I hate that i am a good friend anyone could ever have. Never be more than that. To my girlfriends; i’m sorry that not all my secrets are to be shared. And to my boyfriends; i’m sorry that i still couldn’t bridge that gap between us. And I’m sorry i’m implausible to involve love between our liaisons. To anyone whom this may concern, i’m sorry that i’m afraid to be bonded (as much as i hate to be alone). I’m afraid of being jilted. I’m afraid that i could be hurt.

I hate that i am not myself anymore. It is not that i don’t want to be related or attached to anyone but i am now very fragile. And it is always just i who’ll take care of me. I hate that i can always pretend that i am tough and strong. I hate that i could always smile and laugh even that i wound inside. I hate that i am a very good actor with a very positive ethics.

I hate my job because i have none.

I hate that i’m still unprepared to leave this country, even that i tried to do it several times. I love my country but i hate to be governed by mindless, dim-witted, intolerable people with minimum capacity of integrity. I hate that the politicians could only bring humiliation to my Malaysia. I hate to see them talking and hoping that public will follow their shower of spits. I hate them make the nation look stupid.

But don’t worry, I love YOU. Honestly.

A mystery within

I was stunned since a month ago that my kept bits and pieces in the drawer gone over their oddities. My watch’s battery was leaking the electrolyte out. My brooches produce white and green precipitates of some kind of oxidation processes. And finally today after a paper card too produce white precipitate, i head on searching the problem without delays. The drawer was fairly clean even that it was not very well organized, but it was not the cause. There was all this while, a small decorated pack of medicated salt given by a friend for energy healing purposes.

Let’s talk chemistry. Oxidation involves proton transfer. In oxidation/reduction reactions, there is a transfer of charge - an electron - from one species to another. Oxidation is the loss of electrons and reduction is a gain in electrons and these reactions always occur in pairs. That is, an oxidation is always coupled to a reduction. When something gets oxidized, another agent in the same environment gains those electrons, acting as the oxidizing agent, and gets reduced in the process. Reactions in which a metal reacts with a substance to form a salt are clearly oxidation reactions. In the salt and brooch case (as example) ferum, from the brooch reacts with oxygen to form ferum oxide. The salt with a strong basic traits be a proton acceptor to quicken the reactions. This is what always happens to electric or metal thing near the ocean. Ever heard about it? And why the paper produce precipitate too is still a mystery I will try to solve.

I will be operating from Subang Jaya few days from now. The delays are due to the Euro cup (go Germany!) i want to enjoy, economical problems and the sentimental value i want to keep within this crib. And maybe i will have both houses. It is at all times arduous and heartbreaking to loose something we really attached to kan?

It is sickening

We (especially woman) have to deal with these poor judgmental law enforcements in any circumstances, particularly if the arrangement takes in some cynical and unethical guys in dark blue shirts.

1) You can never charge somebody for felony if you hand them yourself even that you are forced to do so. It also applies in ‘pukau’ thingy.
2) You can never charge someone for break into your property if you yourself get the entrance open in spite of that you as well forced to do so. Especially if u let him intrude more than 24 hours.
3) You can never charge someone beat you up unless the wounds or bruises are obvious. And a case where a known guy stays at your home for more than 24 hours will at all times relate to sexual abuse.

Well my fellow friends, heaps better with a lawyer (if you can afford them).

On a brighter sunnier Saturday

They were friends and the setting is 3 years ago. It was not long before they fell in love with each other and that was how everything came to be. They got married. My baby sister and Yazid. I am very happy for them. I wish them the best for their future, but the truth is, wheather i want to admit it or not, i already miss my sister. The day we spent, the secret we hide, the feeling we share. I lost my dear best friend. I know things happend for a greater good. It's just the case that the 17 year old girl in me feel jilted, like a tousand needles pricked on my skin. I'm seriously happy for them anyway. I love you Mala!

Sixth May

Not sixth of May. It's the sixth May.

I do not want to judge for what had happened for the past six Mays. Nor that i could ever remember every details. The flowers that bloomed, the soft gentle breeze past through, the smiles, the stillness, the way i looked at the twinkle of evening stars. It is still the same May. It is still the same thoughts i run through.

I want to love you until my last May. It is as simple as that.

My a week long laugh stok

One fine day, i was watching the news on tv with a girl friend. It showed a headline "Malaysia akan pertimbangkan Avram Grant ke Malaysia" (or something like that) in accordance to welcoming Chelsea to Malaysia. My friend suddenly asked;

"Is Avram Grant a Nissan? Or a Ford?"

Haha.. I dont blame her to be an average girl.

Epilog awal tahun

Kelip-kelip kusangka api,
Kalau api mana puntungnya,
Hilang ghaib kusangka mati,
Kalau mati mana kuburnya.