Bear with me, please..

What am i to do if all these concealed feelings no longer want to hold its ground?

Saya bingung mencari arah cerita

3:00 pagi. Satu jam lepas habis berbual dengan seorang teman yang jauh. Yang katanya akan datang seminggu lagi. Hati ada pitter patter, cuma saya tak beritahu dia. Mata saya berkedip-kedip memandang siling dan lampu. Kemudian saya bangun, memandang katil kosong. Ada sikat di hujung katil, mainan saya sebelum berusaha tidur tadi.

Saya kembali ke bilik mandi; gosok gigi, cuci muka, basuh kaki dan alirkan air sejuk ke tengkuk sekali lagi. Dan kemudian memandang katil kosong dan sikat. Saya duduk dibirai katil, menghadap tingkap. Dari aras ketinggian enam tingkat ini saya cuma nampak beberapa bangunan tinggi dan langit lepas yang gelap. Compaq saya jadi teman sementara waktu. Saya tekan-tekan key board mencari arah cerita.

Teringat cerita teman tadi; tentang anak saudaranya dan cerita 'Perkataan Cinta', tentang bola sepak, abang Gerrard dan tentang menjaga bayi. Sungguh saya senang bercerita dengan dia. Hati saya ada pitter patter, cuma saya tak beritahu dia. Saya kunjungi laman teman yang tak berpenghuni - rumah adik dan rumah kakak - sambil saya mencari arah cerita yang saya tak ketemui.

Akhirnya cuma ada satu moral. Buat saya terutamanya. Kan orang kata tanam padi tumbuhnya lalang, jadi kalau padi tak ditanam macam mana? Lalang akan tetap tumbuh bukan? Jadi bukankah lebih baik ditanam padi sebelum tumbuhnya lalang? Maksudnya berusaha dulu sebelum sesuatu yang buruk berlaku. Kalau yang baik sudah diusahakan, tapi tetap juga jadi yang buruk kan sekurang-kurangnya kita sudah berusaha. Kan?

Itulah moralnya; diantara teman saya tadi, katil kosong, langit gelap, bola sepak, padi dan lalang, pitter patter dan arah cerita yang tak ditemui. Saya bingung.

I am officially hate ME

I hate the fact that my life is well balance. Yes to be blatantly rude, my life is too normal. I am not really good or really bad in something. I am too average, too boring.

I hate that i am a good friend anyone could ever have. Never be more than that. To my girlfriends; i’m sorry that not all my secrets are to be shared. And to my boyfriends; i’m sorry that i still couldn’t bridge that gap between us. And I’m sorry i’m implausible to involve love between our liaisons. To anyone whom this may concern, i’m sorry that i’m afraid to be bonded (as much as i hate to be alone). I’m afraid of being jilted. I’m afraid that i could be hurt.

I hate that i am not myself anymore. It is not that i don’t want to be related or attached to anyone but i am now very fragile. And it is always just i who’ll take care of me. I hate that i can always pretend that i am tough and strong. I hate that i could always smile and laugh even that i wound inside. I hate that i am a very good actor with a very positive ethics.

I hate my job because i have none.

I hate that i’m still unprepared to leave this country, even that i tried to do it several times. I love my country but i hate to be governed by mindless, dim-witted, intolerable people with minimum capacity of integrity. I hate that the politicians could only bring humiliation to my Malaysia. I hate to see them talking and hoping that public will follow their shower of spits. I hate them make the nation look stupid.

But don’t worry, I love YOU. Honestly.

A mystery within

I was stunned since a month ago that my kept bits and pieces in the drawer gone over their oddities. My watch’s battery was leaking the electrolyte out. My brooches produce white and green precipitates of some kind of oxidation processes. And finally today after a paper card too produce white precipitate, i head on searching the problem without delays. The drawer was fairly clean even that it was not very well organized, but it was not the cause. There was all this while, a small decorated pack of medicated salt given by a friend for energy healing purposes.

Let’s talk chemistry. Oxidation involves proton transfer. In oxidation/reduction reactions, there is a transfer of charge - an electron - from one species to another. Oxidation is the loss of electrons and reduction is a gain in electrons and these reactions always occur in pairs. That is, an oxidation is always coupled to a reduction. When something gets oxidized, another agent in the same environment gains those electrons, acting as the oxidizing agent, and gets reduced in the process. Reactions in which a metal reacts with a substance to form a salt are clearly oxidation reactions. In the salt and brooch case (as example) ferum, from the brooch reacts with oxygen to form ferum oxide. The salt with a strong basic traits be a proton acceptor to quicken the reactions. This is what always happens to electric or metal thing near the ocean. Ever heard about it? And why the paper produce precipitate too is still a mystery I will try to solve.

I will be operating from Subang Jaya few days from now. The delays are due to the Euro cup (go Germany!) i want to enjoy, economical problems and the sentimental value i want to keep within this crib. And maybe i will have both houses. It is at all times arduous and heartbreaking to loose something we really attached to kan?

It is sickening

We (especially woman) have to deal with these poor judgmental law enforcements in any circumstances, particularly if the arrangement takes in some cynical and unethical guys in dark blue shirts.

1) You can never charge somebody for felony if you hand them yourself even that you are forced to do so. It also applies in ‘pukau’ thingy.
2) You can never charge someone for break into your property if you yourself get the entrance open in spite of that you as well forced to do so. Especially if u let him intrude more than 24 hours.
3) You can never charge someone beat you up unless the wounds or bruises are obvious. And a case where a known guy stays at your home for more than 24 hours will at all times relate to sexual abuse.

Well my fellow friends, heaps better with a lawyer (if you can afford them).

On a brighter sunnier Saturday

They were friends and the setting is 3 years ago. It was not long before they fell in love with each other and that was how everything came to be. They got married. My baby sister and Yazid. I am very happy for them. I wish them the best for their future, but the truth is, wheather i want to admit it or not, i already miss my sister. The day we spent, the secret we hide, the feeling we share. I lost my dear best friend. I know things happend for a greater good. It's just the case that the 17 year old girl in me feel jilted, like a tousand needles pricked on my skin. I'm seriously happy for them anyway. I love you Mala!

Sixth May

Not sixth of May. It's the sixth May.

I do not want to judge for what had happened for the past six Mays. Nor that i could ever remember every details. The flowers that bloomed, the soft gentle breeze past through, the smiles, the stillness, the way i looked at the twinkle of evening stars. It is still the same May. It is still the same thoughts i run through.

I want to love you until my last May. It is as simple as that.

My a week long laugh stok

One fine day, i was watching the news on tv with a girl friend. It showed a headline "Malaysia akan pertimbangkan Avram Grant ke Malaysia" (or something like that) in accordance to welcoming Chelsea to Malaysia. My friend suddenly asked;

"Is Avram Grant a Nissan? Or a Ford?"

Haha.. I dont blame her to be an average girl.

Epilog awal tahun

Kelip-kelip kusangka api,
Kalau api mana puntungnya,
Hilang ghaib kusangka mati,
Kalau mati mana kuburnya.

My bag and i, past and present

I have had this big black rectangular shaped shoulder bag i got as i enrolled university some time ago. It has one big compartment and another smaller one with the university’s name and logo printed in white in front of it. The figure was big enough that when i put the cord right on my shoulder, the bottom part of the bag could reach my knee. Not that i was too small figured, but it was huge. Lots of students treated the bag in daily basis as like a trademark of being a fresh undergraduate student and being proud of it, or simply don’t have enough money to buy a new one (this was one of my case).

I put as much thing as i could in the bag; books, notes, umbrella, spare pair of socks, toothbrush, lab coat, plain water, telekung. It became really awkward to walk off without it. I was appended to the big black bag until i passed the first year and i got a bigger locker of my own, right down the library hall. The bag went too worn out and students who still utilized it dropped to only a few.

Walking around campus, it was a surprise to see how many female students i found carrying their books and belongings in the very same tote bag and laid such significant emphasis on handbags. Although there is such a wide variety for people to choose from, i was lucky enough that in the chemistry course i was in, style and fashion were not the most concern. So, after the big black bag season, all i could remember i only have one free green Earth Day bag and another black bag with cute lion printed given by Lang the Vietnamese guy (i missed u pal!). Both were made of loom woven cotton with fringed bottom corners. Too bad it is now far from my knowledge of where the bags are.

The memory of the bags flew in when i brushed my teeth this morning. Even that i don’t know what is the correlation between the bag and my teeth, but i do feel like i am the big black bag. Worn out and forgotten. Period.

Once upon a time..

Someone told me, a long time ago, "wise man only comes once"
..but i don't believe her.










Now i do believe her.
..but i believe all those man are already taken too.

Call me "Peanut" if you like

7:25 pm, the past day. I was on my way home from work whilst i listen to the DJ radio telltale of a kitten and peanut butter. At the outset, i thought it was about a kitten who loves peanut butter, but it turned out that at some place on earth, a little kitten was stuck in a peanut butter jar on it’s head. A man who came across the kitten tried to chase him, to help him out of the jar, but the kitten ran away of fear. Only that 19 days (nineteen days!) after that, the same man saw the same kitten, merely this time he managed to catch him. After he released the poor little kitten from the jar, he decided to keep him and call him Survivor (I will call him Peanut, if i were the man)

On my second thought, i imagine someone is really playing tricks to call me like Peanut somehow. She asked me last week “it is hard to live in Malaysia; discriminations, bureaucracies, small incomes.. why do you still want to reside here?” What could she see if she left the country for so long? What could she knew about being around the people who loves her and feel completely at ease? I am not the one who scatter away if the going gets tough. I love my country, and i love being one with it.

I believe Peanut (a.k.a Survivor) was just playing astronaut, which was the single stretch he felt great about himself. Yes, for a damn 19 days!

I don't know what to call it

This dish is really a supreme seafood galore and remarkably easy to make. It's laksa'ish (minched fish nub + laksa mee) with coconut milk and a bit curry flavour. Plus turmeric for the colour. The other fillings are prawns, white squid, crab finger, fish balls and some vege. It amazingly delicious.

Lets just call it a self-made breakfast for me this morning :)

See how happy i am

Got these from Mashytah. The phrases in bold are my answers. Enjoy!

1. I find it easy to smile
2. No one wants to be alone
3. I just ate whatever tasty
4. The last person I met was the marketing guy
5. I couldn’t care less about being hate
6. What is special to me is myself muahahaha..
7. If I could be in a tv show, I would be in "who wants to be a millionaire" as a winner
8. The magazine that I always read is Business Week & Fortune (office subscriptions)
9. One Malaysian that I find very pretty is Rozita Che.. apa ntah the one who's being gossiped with Azizan Nin.
10. Yesterday, I went to Bukit Belacan sight seing
11. Yesterday, I bought army printed shorts
12. Yesterday, I met Wan yay!
13. The last time I felt really worried was being transferred to a far far away workplace
14. What I really , really want to buy is a holiday package
15. My favourite color is (colours are) red and blue
16. I really hate this word, and it is shut up
17. I would never color my hair with this color any colour let it be natural
18. The animal that represent me the most is rabbit the teeth eh?
19. Tomorrow , I am going to work again I hate it!
20. Being cool is being brave and independant
21. I always say ‘I love you’ whenever i want
22. I wish I could tell him, he is the finest gentleman
23. The biggest disappointment for me is i couldn't tell him the truth
24. For me,the worst smell of perfume is minyak atar
25. Commitment is being invovle
26. A liar is someone who can't simply tell the truth hehe..

Kakak is fine, kakak always hope you are fine too :)

That is how it goes

Sitting on damp green grass, surrounded by loneliness, i am being tied in with a solitary apple tree on top of a windy hill. The branches are all covered with half ripe apples, half green and half yellow. I shelter myself under the apple tree from the soft gentle drizzles that slowly draw closer from above. I look over and i see white clouds floating like cotton wool on a blue sheet of cloth. Crossways in front of me from where i sit, the ocean sings a melodious rhythm continuously. My eyes are hook on the green leaves, trap on the branches and fruits, wet with rain. How long until the fruits turn red, ripe and ready to be pluck? Will my endurance last? How long will it be before i have to leave this apple tree with a basketful of delightful apples? Or will i go back empty handedly, out of my compassion not to hurt the branches nor the tree or simply myself. And will i pluck the right apple? I sit still.

Every week and every month, i missed you. I care for you. But i couldn’t say it, it seems to me it is not worth for you anymore. Not worth at all.

At this very moment i know, i am being bound to you. Forever.

Here and back again

Happy Hari Raya everyone!!

This is a quickie, just to announce my come back to the same old routine i attached and hated so much. So much that i could puke my brain out right now. In fact, there are just me and 2 other staffs working today, wonder why my superior was so kedekut to let me beraya a little longer. Here are some special events during hari raya;

1) I got myself 6 pieces of baju raya (including the one i wear today, and perhaps another one tomorrow). The biggest number i have ever had so far.

2) My dearest and most handsome abah paid my zakat this year, after letting me doing my own duty for 5 years straight.

3) After a small chat, a standard 2 boy suddenly asked me "engkau darjah berapa?" haha.. i could have been his mom! And surprisingly he believed me when i told him i am in standard 4! (is it too obvious i look that dumb?)

4) I texted someone "saya minta maaf atas apa pun silap saya, sama ada yang saya sedari atau tak, di depan atau di belakang awak, dengan atau tanpa niat. I never meant to hurt you" which at the end of the day, i don't really meant it!

5) I missed someone terribly. And to top that, i couldn't tell him so.

Look what life has done to me

Deep fried fish with 3 tastes sauce, butter prawns, spicy bamboo shout, baby kalian fried with salted fish, plain rice, chinese tea and star fruit juice. A cheerful boy in a dirty white t-shirt waving his parents from afar. A young gentleman next to our table keeps his eyes through the breached floor, daydreaming. The sound of the sea pounding in the air, smooth but intensely. A restaurant full of people, sit tightly around their table, immersing in a day hunger. Waiters holding full weight of supreme fare run from table to table unloading them. Raindrops, latent on my hands. A mom in red blouse turns her head away from her son, pretend to be scare while he playing ghost. The sun has merely far from sight. I am sitting at the centre of the world, letting the hidden part of my feelings glow into rays of unspeakable language on my smiling face. A well-behave man, sitting before me, looking restless and lost for words, smiling while gazing the dark sky.

Are you a segment of my dreams, or will you stay for me in reality?

Otanjou-bi omedetou gozaimasu!

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Pablo Neruda, Sonnet XVII

p/s; the sonnet is not address to anybody. Seriously.

So to speak

It is hard to be someone between employee and bonuses. Really.

My boss keep skirting around if i pop up about bonuses. The answer will digress and suddenly the problem with the nation be like ours to discuss and finally resolve. There will be talks about Maybank conspiracy, credit cards, rojak and cendol, Yakuza, arwah Nurin and rumours, you name it. The thin layer between yes and no seems so hard to identify.

He is either a very charismatic authoritarian guy or he uses hypnotism. I keep myself unable to focus on bonuses after every conversation. What is apparent from my experience with him these 2 years is that his workers cant really put their guts in order to speak about extra moolahs ever before. It was heavenly for him.

Now it’s me, the person who is in charge of salaries, bonuses, commissions, reimbursements, allowances and what not hit myself up with thousands of reasons to both occasions; yes or no to annual bonuses. It is plain to me, after talking to somebody, that there are 2 separate identities that i need to be addressed; being an employer as opposed to being an employee.

“Do you know why is great to be you?”
“No, why?”
“Because you can be both parties. You’ll be loved by your boss and staff nonetheless with or without bonuses. They’ll just blame themselves not you”

Now i know better. Hehe..

Luna

"I'll let him know when i see him again.."

I woke up this morning to the noise of rain tapping on my windows. I miss that sound. It wasn’t dark outside and the shades let light from the overcast sky sneaked its way in, right on my bed, my pillows and my face. I was pushed away under my comforter thinking about comparable mornings like this. No, i seldomly wake up as early as 5am if it is not around Ramadhan.

The first thing i notice was this huge bright light at the corner of the window. It was really beautiful. Low hanging and lay in a very great shape. I can't believe my eyes, a big giant moon stands before me greeting my morning. It was peeking through bricks of buildings and mountain ridgets, doing its best trick on me. My brain getting faster by minutes, finding the best way to complete that feeling i was having. Elated. Thank goodness for this opputunity. I wish i shall meet the moon again tomorrow, as soon as i open my eyes.