Saya nak..

Apa yang saya betul-betul nak buat sekarang?

Saya nak berada di kawasan padang rumput hijau yang luas, yang dihujung rumput tu masih basah dengan air embun. Matahari yang belum terik bersinar masih lagi sembunyi di balik bukit nun di hujung sana. Langit biru terbentang luas tanpa awan yang mengaburi. Angin lembut dan sejuk bertiup sekali sekala ke badan dan rambut saya. Dan ya, saya seorang sahaja dengan pakaian saya yang paling selesa. Tak ada bunyi burung. Tak ada rama-rama. Cuma saya dan padang rumput luas itu. Saya nak baring atas rumput hujau, biarkan baju saya basah sedikit dek air embun, baring menatap langit lepas. Biarkan diri saya dibuai perasaan yang tenteram. Dan telinga saya mahu mendengar lagu ini:

Ku mengerti perpisahan ini
Bukan kerana kau membenci
Tapi kasih yang pernah ku beri
Tiada lagi bersama

Sering kala aku terlihatkan mu
Impian nan indah julang bahagia
Ku harungi hari demi hari
Bersama wajah tak mungkin akan kembali
Tapi hati masih tak terima
Ditinggalkan sengsara

Keraguan ini bukanlah padamu
Perasaan hati masih rindu
Kekalutan ini hanyalah untukku
Tercari-cari bayanganmu
Tak sanggup aku kehilangan
Kehilanganmu.

Tagged

Ok, so i felt like bull shits dropped right on my face, when i’ve been tagged. Seriously, Judd. Who on earth would want to reveal the weirdest, deepest, darkest, worst habits of their own right? Even so, i still hope these would explain a lot about me. I am not really a good girl as people used to see me. I truly am. Enjoy!

1. I am a spoiled brat. I cry a lot if something has gone over my entreaty, but of course i don’t like to show my sadness off in public. My crying spot is in my bedroom or in the toilet.

2. I took cigarettes in the span of less than 3 months long time ago. Faced with a bit rough problems, i thought ruining myself was almost the best way to achieve. Stupid, but i quit as soon as i regain my sanity. And mission accomplished, i did wreck my respiratory tracks!

3. I hate to wait. Sorry if i gone mad after some time of waiting. I can easily burst into madness if i have to wait especially if i am alone with nothing to do. Exception will always be there to whom i love most!

4. I am a superstitious person. I always feel that things happen with a reason and God will show if something good or bad are about to occur. Simplest is black clouds when it’s going to be rain. Complicated like got itchy right hand if my purse will turn fatter, hahaha.. anybody out there believe it too?

5. I am tone deaf. I can’t sing. Maybe the worst voice anyone would ever heard, maybe worse than hearing an old Ah Pek farting. Vitally serious, but sorry i do sing sometimes. Tahan jelah ye.. Kak Yana will be more than happy to agree with it too.

6. I love being in love. With the right person of course. What weird abut that? Because i continually will turn weird when i’m in love. Sincerely.

By the way, my bloggie is 3 years old now. Yippie..

Simply

We talked
we laughed
together.

I am still happy remembering every moment i spend with you. I am still able to look things that go wrong and laugh, because there are enough good things I share with you.

bonding with you,
thinking of you,
writing about you,
seeing you again
and again.

My contentment is like a disease. It takes me over and i go through periods of this absolute jubilation that doesn't go missing for anything. I don't know what causes it, but i'm happier now than i've been before, and that's all that matters.

for the same classic cause
I love you, the unplanned part in my life.

Thank you
anywho.

Through my goggles

I am in a really good mood to blog again. I've changed the lay out even i still dont think that this is the best, plus i didn’t manage to find ways to change the sidebars. My favourite section; 'Gurindam' cannot be added too.

A few days ago my boss asked me if i am concerned about taking an accountancy course, so that i could assist them in managerial tasks. He convinced me that i might find accountancy is quite easy as it only include the process of sums and numbers without including alphabet as much as chemistry does. I declined without reason, but it makes sense kan?

I am highly obsessed with beautiful words and enjoy making poems and haikus as much as i love pathophysiology and chemical bonding. I draw as side income, and make use both sides of my brain most of the time. So the puzzle begin, am i a scientist or an artist? or both? And i questioned myself why shouldn’t i do art studies when i think i am good at it? The riddle remains until today when i met an unfortunate event of art vs science.

How could there be toleration between 0 and 1 in art? I still didn’t get it.

For me art is subjective, has no limits, no totally right or wrong perspectives. It is a creation of creative mind and emotion. The evaluation of art is differ in every standard. Aside from science which determining the truth or finding objective fact through experimentation, hypothesis and theory which correspond with reality. No person's opinion of any connotation in comparison to an actual test of theory in deciding whether it is right or wrong. And the facts remind me of why science is still a priority for me. A scientist i am.

Happy.. happy..

Biar teratai
Andai tasik pun kering
Cinta bertaut

Saya dan Kepong

Beberapa hari lalu baru sahaja saya rasa gembira lepas meyakinkan boss yang saya kurang layak untuk menyelaras penyelidikan klinikal sejenis peptide ke atas pesakit kanser. Pengetahuan saya cetek, pengalaman pun tak banyak, saya beritahu dia. Dia angguk-angguk macam setuju. Proposal 25 mukasurat itu cuma cadangan saya, sebaiknya kalau dia dan pihak lembaga pengarah setuju, diusulkan pada orang yang lebih pakar, doktor paling bagus. Dia angguk-angguk lagi dan akhir sekali setuju terus cadangan tu.

Keesokan harinya, masa mesyuarat hampir berakhir, saya diusul satu cadangan, menyelaras penyelidikan lain di FRIM, Kepong mulai pertengahan Januari depan. Saya ternganga. Ahli mesyuarat yang lain angguk-angguk setuju. Saya seorang yang geleng-geleng kepala. Bila ditanya kenapa saya buat muka terkejut, saya tak reti menjawab selain mulut saya tersengih-sengih minta kesian. Kepong? Aduh.. jauh tu.

Sekarang kalau saya ke kilang cuma 17km seperjalanan, kalau ke HQ Ampang cuma 11km seperjalanan, tapi kalau Kepong? Aduh.. sakit kepala saya. Saya bukan orang yang tahan lasak setiap hari boleh memandu jauh-jauh macam tu, bukan juga orang yang sabar kalau kereta bergerak dari bumper ke bumper. Pernah dulu saya ulang-alik setiap hari 126km Shah Alam-Batang Berjuntai selama 2 bulan, dan kemudian 82km Ampang-Shah Alam pula 5 bulan. Tapi Kepong? Aduh.. Akhir meeting, keputusan dibuat, semua orang setuju kecuali saya. Kepong? Saya tepuk dahi.

Masuk sahaja kereta saya terus memandu ke rumah, tujuan saya nak ke rumah, tapi otak saya sudah masuk highway pusing dekat Pandan menuju ke Kepong. Kepong? Aduh.. saya tepuk dahi lagi. Sudah sampai di rumah, saya pasang radio kuat-kuat, biarkan suara seksi Michael Buble menyanyi-nanyi lagu “Save the Last Dance For Me” dan saya menurut iramanya dengan gerak tari lintang pukang. Lepas saya tergedik-gedik menari-nari ke bilik-dapur-ruang tamu sambil makan ais-krim, saya teringat jugak Kepong. Kepong? aduh.. saya tepuk dahi lagi, kali ni ada sisa ais-krim melekat kat dahi.

Suffian menalifon saya entah apa kehendaknya, saya terus membebel-bebel tantang saya dan Kepong, Suffian kata tak apalah, ikut highway kan dekat. Dia tak kesiankan saya yang malas memandu jauh-jauh ni, nak dibandingkan dengan dia yang sudah 8 tahun lebih ulang alik Setapak-Bangsar. Saya tepuk dahi lagi. Kalau Suffian ada dekat dengan saya kali itu entah-entah saya tepuk dahi dia. Saya baring tengah-tengah rumah, memandang kipas siling, mengenangkan tentang saya dan Kepong.

Sekarang saya dilemma, mahu pindah rumah lagi atau ulang-alik Cheras-Kepong? Kata orang tukar pasangan macam tukar pakaian, tapi saya pindah rumah macam tukar pakaian. Selama 4 tahun lebih bekerja sambil membujang dengan cuma sekali tukar kerja, saya sudah tukar 5 buah rumah sewa! Dilemma saya...

Kosong

Ada satu ruang kosong
Antara aku dan hati aku
Antara sedar dan mimpi aku
Antara jasad dan ruh aku
Antara dunia dan diri aku
Antara hitam dan putih aku.

Ada banyak ruang kosong
Antara dia dan aku.

Iye ke..?

No posting for Ramadhan.

No posting for Hari Raya.

But there is something else i care so much lately. It has came to my knowledge that i can bruise easily, from the fact that i have fragile capillaries under my skin. Even it is quite obvious that i intentionally keeping my BMI at 23 so that i could have extra fatty coushion to protect myself, it didn't work so well. I keep on and on having bruises one after another.

Well, one fine day when i was enjoying hari raya at my hometown, an old makcik saw a purplish dot on upper side of my ankle. She said i was bitten by a 'pelesit' (cricket). She told me it is an evil spirit that usually carried off in the insect and not all are evil. This spirit is usually sent off to another person as an evil mean to the victim. She suggested to catch the 'pelesit' and separate its head from its body.I actually had heard them few times but i still don't think it is true. My mom once shown me how a 'pelesit' looks like, and i think it is beautiful.

I am just like any other people who believes in ghosts and evil spirit, i even enjoy watching spooky movies. It hasn't been all that long since i didn't have to worry about being put under observation for some shoddy application of scientific instrumentation and techniques for my blood clotting problems. And now should i worry about something i didn't really believe in? You know what ghost i believe? I believe in hantu raya kecik yang salam and come to the house few times just to get duit more raya. Yang tu i totally percaya. *wink*

And i believe in you dear.

Kids today..

Jong jong inai
Mak ipong rajawali
Sepak tunggul inai
Berdarah ibu kaki
Semangkuk jerluk
Sepinggan dagang
Tak cukup pulut
Tambah nasi dagang

p/s: what is jerluk and ipong anyway?

It was the other day when a little girl approched me next to my car. I had just went out for lunch and was not aware of her presence. She wore a white t-shirt and dark-blue pants, holding an empty cup of ice-cream. "Where are you from kakak?" she asked. "Lunch", i said. I had a bad feeling about her, but what the heck talking to a little girl kan?

Little girl : I dont have any money
Me : How come?
Little girl : My mum didn't give me
Me : Why?
Little girl : She is broke. We are poor anyway
Me : Where are you staying
Little girl : That building (pointing to a condo next to mine)
Me : That buidling is not for poor people you know... Are you hungry?
Little girl : Yes
Me : Lets go to my house, i cooked macaroni and potato salad for breakfast. It's superb you know. I bet you would want more
Little girl : I want money
Me: I cant give you that
Little girl : You are cruel
Me : You said you are hungry and i am happy to serve some meal for you, is that make me cruel?
Little girl : I just want some money
Me : You just had an ice-cream. I dont think you get it for free kan?

I left the girl after that, wondering how long she has been bugging people for money. So, to make the story short, the next thing i knew when i attended my car in the evening, there were some scraches i didn't noticed before. I dont want to blame the girl straight away, but i am pretty sure that the only possible thing happen is she doing it. Mad. Angry. This girl, if she is the one responsible, will be spank 10 times with my own hand, i swear.

Wake me up when September ends

To be honest, i wanted so much to feel beautiful and special again. To know that there are so much thing for me to feel happy about. That's it. That's all i want for now.

Mixed

The meeting finished early. Thought of going straight home when suddenly an Indian guy asked me for 1 ringgit change. Yes, i did him the favour then rushed to the main entrance and got out as quickly as possible, hoping that the guy will understood i was not fond of further conversation.

I was about to run to my car parked next to the building when i noticed his existence. He looked as gorgeous as always. Surprised, shocked. I stood still. He looked at me in a furious way. I smiled nervously, i could see his hesitation and affection. Probably he wanted some response. I closed my eyes for a few second, hoping that it was just my imagination. Still, he was there.

Would he know that i have been dying to touch his perfections with my bare hands from the first time i know him? I would certainly love to feel him, to really feel him.

He stepped closer to me. He stood at full height in front of me and slowly outlined my face. It was really cold outside but i could felt nothing than his touch. I smiled and closed my eyes firmly. I wanted so much to compliment, yet i would not know what to say. He was very relaxed, trapping me between the wall. An intense moment filled the thin space between us. I was wishing for polite words to justify my happiness. But none, not a single vocab made it to the rescue. I felt strange yet mounted with fear and excitement.

I drew myself closer to him, to finally feel his presence. He make his response more than i had imagined. Me and him. It was a moment of joy moving and caresing at every inch of my body. And when everything has been done, he is still that same beautiful being i fell in love with, and with that, i shall keep this in my mind.

So, there i was, next to my car, laughing intensely and soaking wet in the rain. I should do it more often, like i used to do in my toddler's years. Such delight i could never imagine vanishing. Have you ever imagine how many times we met the same raindrop? and how long it takes untill we meet him back? Mr. Rain and me.

___________________________

As the word no longer speaks
and the voice has mute
let our joy be doubled
let our sorrow and fear be shared
for even in the end
we are two different persons
of two different endings.

Happy Birthday.
___________________________

Lost

Veered
too far off the path
no definite idea
not worth saying
not even know if someone is listening
millions of someone
here and away
those melancholic melodies
have never stop singing
from afar.

Hurt, misunderstood, manipulated
too vulnarable, too raw, too exposed.

Indeed
i remember the sweet smell
the pleasant smile
and the beautiful eyes
alive and serene
perhaps
it is best for me
to keep that in mind.

Always.

Ampun

Mencari hikmah
Sepasak nikmat
Selari garis neraka
Melingkar wajah insaf
Keruh menginjak fitrah
Dalam kesedaran
Sedetik masa

Mencari hikmah
Dalam selaut dosa..

A little about footie

England area through to the quarter final round, which is really a miracale. They won the games thus far but with nothing less than a boring game. I am expecting a perfect match with perfect passes, convincing shots, respectfull defending, amazing scores, but they seems to be lack of something. Lampard is not happy. Gerarrad is not consistent. I donno what they're missing tho!

They'll meet the Portugese at quarter final, and remember Euro 2004 , so i hope it is a payback time, and time to kick ass!

Liar Liar

Hari ni saya dengan rasa sangat bodohnya telah tertangkap kerana menipu. I am not a good liar. Then, orang yang saya cuba tipu biasanya tahu yang saya menipu. Kronologinya begini; saya diminta untuk menyiapkan satu kertas kerja untuk seorang professor sebelum hujung minggu lepas. Almaklum kemalasan yang teramat sangat, saya lewat.

Jadi hendak dijadikan cerita, professor ini yang baru sahaja balik dari luar negara terus sahaja berjumpa saya. Katanya dia masih lagi jet leg, baru sahaja sampai ke Malaysia, belum pun sempat ke pejabat. Katanya lagi dia mahu terus pulang ke rumah. Bila ditanya mengapa dia tak terima kertas kerja itu sebelum ke luar negara, saya menjawab "sorry, saya baru hantar semalam" dengan penuh yakin.

Saya sebenarnya masih belum lagi menghantarnya, dan sangka saya, sempatlah malam ini saya bersusah payah, berhempas pulas, bekerja keras menyiapkannya dan awal pagi esok, akan saya hantar dulu sebelum ke makmal. Dia tanya saya lagi "betul hantar semalam?" Saya pun angguk-angguk dengan kuat. "Betul! esok jelah prof ambil" Dari muka berkerut, dia tersenyum simpul.

"Betul-betul hantar semalam?" dia tanya lagi. Dan kali ni saya angguk makin kuat. Dan masa saya mengangguk-angguk itulah dia kata "semalam hari ahad" Dia ketawa kuat dan kata "Tipu!" Aduh, dan kali itu saya pula senyum kelat.

Saya ingat lagi kali pertama saya menipu. Masa itu umur saya 6 tahun. Di tadika, saya punya seorang pesaing yang mantap; sama pandai dan sama popular. Syahrin namanya. Saya memang gila kuasa, semuanya hendak berebut dengan dia. Tapi bila saya dipilih untuk mengetuai bacaan Al-Quran setiap pagi Jumaat dan menjadi ketua senamrobik, saya rasa saya sudah menang besar.

Satu hari yang mulia, hari Isnin, saya masih ingat, Syahrin tak hadir ke sekolah. Lagi saya rasa saya makin menang sebab saya tak pernah ponteng. Esoknya, Syahrin yang masih lagi selesema tanya pada saya apa yang kami belajar semalam. Saya tipu dan katakan yang kami belajar lagu baru. Saya mula menyanyi "ada sebuah pondok di tengah sawah padi, matahari bersinar petani pun penat.." Not lagu lintang pukang. Saya sendiri tahu lagu itu tak menarik. Untuk menambahkan sakit hati Syahrin, saya katakan "lagu tu cikgu tak ajar dah hari lain, semalam je" Saya senyum lebar. Syahrin mengeluh panjang. Dan saya menang lagi.

Itulah kali pertama saya menipu, dan ada juga banyak kali lagi saya buat cerita dongeng bila rasa terusik. Oh, minta maaflah kepada sesiapa yang saya pernah tipu. Dan saya rasa orang pun memang tahu saya menipu. Kecuali kalau saya memuji dengan perkataan "best, cantik, baik", sungguh saya tak tipu! Agaknya kalau Syahrin tak percayakan saya waktu itu mesti saya berhenti menipu. Semuanya salah Syahrin.. hehehe..

Re-exodus

It has been a week today, as i moved away from my 2nd best home on planet earth; Shah Alam. I've been there since 2002. The first place i learnt to be independent. The place i got my first salary, first car, first rented home and the very first time i've been "kissed by an angle" :) .Even that it is not a great distance pun, and i still have to deal with work there, it is quite a source of stress, particularly with the road pattern; traffic jams is anywhere and anytime. I didn't really moved and yet feel at home straight away. Despite being gleefully joyed with staying with my sister, i still miss Shah Alam so much. I mean SO MUCH!

But nevertheless, ke mana pun saya pergi, saya sentiasa bawa Dia bersama, dan di situlah rumah saya, bersama Dia. Dan itulah yang saya selalu nak katakan pada-Nya. Wamakaru wamakarallah, innallahu khairul makirin...

A week to go

Aku tak bisa luluhkan hatimu
Dan aku tak bisa menyentuh cintamu
Seiring jejak kakiku bergetar
Aku telah terpagut oleh cintamu
Menelusup hariku dengan harapan
Namun kau masih terdiam membisu
Sepenuhnya aku ingin memelukmu
Mendakap penuh harapan untuk mencintaimu
Setulusnya aku akan terus menunggu
Menanti sebuah jawaban untuk memilikimu
Betapa derunya rindu menusuk jiwaku
Semoga kau tahu isi hatiku
Dan seiring waktu yang terus berputar
Aku masih terhanyut dalam mimpiku.

Nanti aku ceritakan semuanya, segalanya, seluruhnya, sepenuhnya, tak ada batas selindung. Nanti aku mengaku apa yang aku simpan. Nanti. Kau cuma perlu tunggu.

Hari ni macam biasa..

Hari ni macam biasa, saya bangun pagi. Tapi hari ni awal sikit, 5:00 am saya dah terjaga dan tak mahu tertidur balik. Saya check hand phone ada beberapa text, tapi biasanya tak macam tu. Saya buat apa yang patut, dan apa yang saya biasa buat. Tapi kali ni saya lipat kain, yang saya jarang-jarang buat waktu awal pagi.

Hari ni macam biasa, saya bersiap ala kadar nak pergi kerja. Sebenarnya saya nak cuti hari ni, tapi Prof minta saya datang, ada sikit kerja nak buat. Seminar dia pukul 11:00 am, tapi paperwork dia kena betulkan sikit. Saya buat pembetulan dan buat fotokopi yang macam dia mintak, dan siap pukul 10:00 am.

Hari ni saya walaupun ingat nak cuti, kena pergi office kat Ampang, jumpa CEO. Saya sampai sana lepas lunch. Tiba-tiba dia minta saya buat sikit presentation tentang research saya. Saya cerita serba sikit. Sebab selain CEO, ada ahli lembaga yang lain, saya ditanya itu ini. Saya nak terangkan research saya bukan main punya payah. Serupa mengajar, sebab kebanyakan ahli lembaga bukan dari back ground sains.

Sampai kat Shah Alam, sudahpun pukul 5:00 pm. Saya isytihar pada prof, hari ni saya tak jadi cuti. Hari ni macam biasa, saya kehulu kehilir terangkan pasal research saya. Sebenarnya saya betul-betul hendak cuti hari ni. Saya nak tengok wayang, nak shopping, nak relax-relax kat rumah, nak jogging petang-petang, tapi semuanya tak jadi.. hari ni macam biasa.

Hari ni jadi hari yang terlalu biasa, tak istimewa pun. Macam tahun lepas, dan tahun-tahun sebelumnya. Patutnya saya boleh buat apa saja hari ni. Sebab hari ni hari saya, hari hari lahir saya. Happy Birthday saya!!! Happy birthday jugak buat Atiqah, Hafez & Najib.

In need of a hug

Fly me to the moon
And let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars
In other words hold my hand
In other words darling kiss me

Fill my life with song
And let me sing forevermore
You are all I hope for
All I worship and adore
In other words please be true
In other words I love you.

*The picture was taken by myself :)

Nano World

"Little knowledge estranges man from God, science brings him back"

~Sir Francis Bacon

What is nano-world? Everything is nano now, nano-materials and nano-technology. Many are wondering what is it? Most important is it's effect on us. It is simply a world dealing with anything, matter and anti-matter that is by the scale 1/1,000,000,000 of 1m (meter). Can you imagine such situation?

Everything, which is exist now is reduced to such a size, yet assuming they are still functioning through some might be affected by such an effect of miniaturization. Imagine, something, which you are able to see suddenly, vanishes into the thin air. It becomes invisible. Or simply a ghost or a spirit, still exist but no longer seen or felt. A real world transforms into a relatively virtual world.

Do you realize that whatever we see now are those you are able to see with your naked eyes or thise you see with something capable of capturing and magnifying to your scale. For example, a magnifying glass magnifies an object up to 10x while a tunneling microscope to 1,000,000,000x. What about those, which are smaller? They exist and functional yet still unknown because we are unable to detect or we do not have the capability of doing so. Does it mean they do not exist? Is this the way the saying "seeing is believing"?

As time goes by and with better understanding, innovation and so forth, a day will come when things will be different. Many so called myth and infinite might be real and finite. The meaning of infinitely small is no longer confined to infinity, but beyond our mean or imagination now. Actually such a concept is nothing new. Suddenly the so-called theories will no longer be, even contradicts. However, the truth is still the same, but the current truth might not be so if they are not the truth yet. It is our obligation to seek the truth, albeit it might hurt.

The world of materials; organic, inorganic, naturally occuring or man-made will be different, but most importantly they must be smart, intelligent, more functional than now because we are able to understand and control since their begining or when they are at the smallest stage. Imagine a situation where you are able to replace your aging organs, able to grow your desirable fruits or simply able to fulfill your current wishful dreams.