Mixed

The meeting finished early. Thought of going straight home when suddenly an Indian guy asked me for 1 ringgit change. Yes, i did him the favour then rushed to the main entrance and got out as quickly as possible, hoping that the guy will understood i was not fond of further conversation.

I was about to run to my car parked next to the building when i noticed his existence. He looked as gorgeous as always. Surprised, shocked. I stood still. He looked at me in a furious way. I smiled nervously, i could see his hesitation and affection. Probably he wanted some response. I closed my eyes for a few second, hoping that it was just my imagination. Still, he was there.

Would he know that i have been dying to touch his perfections with my bare hands from the first time i know him? I would certainly love to feel him, to really feel him.

He stepped closer to me. He stood at full height in front of me and slowly outlined my face. It was really cold outside but i could felt nothing than his touch. I smiled and closed my eyes firmly. I wanted so much to compliment, yet i would not know what to say. He was very relaxed, trapping me between the wall. An intense moment filled the thin space between us. I was wishing for polite words to justify my happiness. But none, not a single vocab made it to the rescue. I felt strange yet mounted with fear and excitement.

I drew myself closer to him, to finally feel his presence. He make his response more than i had imagined. Me and him. It was a moment of joy moving and caresing at every inch of my body. And when everything has been done, he is still that same beautiful being i fell in love with, and with that, i shall keep this in my mind.

So, there i was, next to my car, laughing intensely and soaking wet in the rain. I should do it more often, like i used to do in my toddler's years. Such delight i could never imagine vanishing. Have you ever imagine how many times we met the same raindrop? and how long it takes untill we meet him back? Mr. Rain and me.

___________________________

As the word no longer speaks
and the voice has mute
let our joy be doubled
let our sorrow and fear be shared
for even in the end
we are two different persons
of two different endings.

Happy Birthday.
___________________________

Lost

Veered
too far off the path
no definite idea
not worth saying
not even know if someone is listening
millions of someone
here and away
those melancholic melodies
have never stop singing
from afar.

Hurt, misunderstood, manipulated
too vulnarable, too raw, too exposed.

Indeed
i remember the sweet smell
the pleasant smile
and the beautiful eyes
alive and serene
perhaps
it is best for me
to keep that in mind.

Always.

Ampun

Mencari hikmah
Sepasak nikmat
Selari garis neraka
Melingkar wajah insaf
Keruh menginjak fitrah
Dalam kesedaran
Sedetik masa

Mencari hikmah
Dalam selaut dosa..

A little about footie

England area through to the quarter final round, which is really a miracale. They won the games thus far but with nothing less than a boring game. I am expecting a perfect match with perfect passes, convincing shots, respectfull defending, amazing scores, but they seems to be lack of something. Lampard is not happy. Gerarrad is not consistent. I donno what they're missing tho!

They'll meet the Portugese at quarter final, and remember Euro 2004 , so i hope it is a payback time, and time to kick ass!

Liar Liar

Hari ni saya dengan rasa sangat bodohnya telah tertangkap kerana menipu. I am not a good liar. Then, orang yang saya cuba tipu biasanya tahu yang saya menipu. Kronologinya begini; saya diminta untuk menyiapkan satu kertas kerja untuk seorang professor sebelum hujung minggu lepas. Almaklum kemalasan yang teramat sangat, saya lewat.

Jadi hendak dijadikan cerita, professor ini yang baru sahaja balik dari luar negara terus sahaja berjumpa saya. Katanya dia masih lagi jet leg, baru sahaja sampai ke Malaysia, belum pun sempat ke pejabat. Katanya lagi dia mahu terus pulang ke rumah. Bila ditanya mengapa dia tak terima kertas kerja itu sebelum ke luar negara, saya menjawab "sorry, saya baru hantar semalam" dengan penuh yakin.

Saya sebenarnya masih belum lagi menghantarnya, dan sangka saya, sempatlah malam ini saya bersusah payah, berhempas pulas, bekerja keras menyiapkannya dan awal pagi esok, akan saya hantar dulu sebelum ke makmal. Dia tanya saya lagi "betul hantar semalam?" Saya pun angguk-angguk dengan kuat. "Betul! esok jelah prof ambil" Dari muka berkerut, dia tersenyum simpul.

"Betul-betul hantar semalam?" dia tanya lagi. Dan kali ni saya angguk makin kuat. Dan masa saya mengangguk-angguk itulah dia kata "semalam hari ahad" Dia ketawa kuat dan kata "Tipu!" Aduh, dan kali itu saya pula senyum kelat.

Saya ingat lagi kali pertama saya menipu. Masa itu umur saya 6 tahun. Di tadika, saya punya seorang pesaing yang mantap; sama pandai dan sama popular. Syahrin namanya. Saya memang gila kuasa, semuanya hendak berebut dengan dia. Tapi bila saya dipilih untuk mengetuai bacaan Al-Quran setiap pagi Jumaat dan menjadi ketua senamrobik, saya rasa saya sudah menang besar.

Satu hari yang mulia, hari Isnin, saya masih ingat, Syahrin tak hadir ke sekolah. Lagi saya rasa saya makin menang sebab saya tak pernah ponteng. Esoknya, Syahrin yang masih lagi selesema tanya pada saya apa yang kami belajar semalam. Saya tipu dan katakan yang kami belajar lagu baru. Saya mula menyanyi "ada sebuah pondok di tengah sawah padi, matahari bersinar petani pun penat.." Not lagu lintang pukang. Saya sendiri tahu lagu itu tak menarik. Untuk menambahkan sakit hati Syahrin, saya katakan "lagu tu cikgu tak ajar dah hari lain, semalam je" Saya senyum lebar. Syahrin mengeluh panjang. Dan saya menang lagi.

Itulah kali pertama saya menipu, dan ada juga banyak kali lagi saya buat cerita dongeng bila rasa terusik. Oh, minta maaflah kepada sesiapa yang saya pernah tipu. Dan saya rasa orang pun memang tahu saya menipu. Kecuali kalau saya memuji dengan perkataan "best, cantik, baik", sungguh saya tak tipu! Agaknya kalau Syahrin tak percayakan saya waktu itu mesti saya berhenti menipu. Semuanya salah Syahrin.. hehehe..

Re-exodus

It has been a week today, as i moved away from my 2nd best home on planet earth; Shah Alam. I've been there since 2002. The first place i learnt to be independent. The place i got my first salary, first car, first rented home and the very first time i've been "kissed by an angle" :) .Even that it is not a great distance pun, and i still have to deal with work there, it is quite a source of stress, particularly with the road pattern; traffic jams is anywhere and anytime. I didn't really moved and yet feel at home straight away. Despite being gleefully joyed with staying with my sister, i still miss Shah Alam so much. I mean SO MUCH!

But nevertheless, ke mana pun saya pergi, saya sentiasa bawa Dia bersama, dan di situlah rumah saya, bersama Dia. Dan itulah yang saya selalu nak katakan pada-Nya. Wamakaru wamakarallah, innallahu khairul makirin...

A week to go

Aku tak bisa luluhkan hatimu
Dan aku tak bisa menyentuh cintamu
Seiring jejak kakiku bergetar
Aku telah terpagut oleh cintamu
Menelusup hariku dengan harapan
Namun kau masih terdiam membisu
Sepenuhnya aku ingin memelukmu
Mendakap penuh harapan untuk mencintaimu
Setulusnya aku akan terus menunggu
Menanti sebuah jawaban untuk memilikimu
Betapa derunya rindu menusuk jiwaku
Semoga kau tahu isi hatiku
Dan seiring waktu yang terus berputar
Aku masih terhanyut dalam mimpiku.

Nanti aku ceritakan semuanya, segalanya, seluruhnya, sepenuhnya, tak ada batas selindung. Nanti aku mengaku apa yang aku simpan. Nanti. Kau cuma perlu tunggu.

Hari ni macam biasa..

Hari ni macam biasa, saya bangun pagi. Tapi hari ni awal sikit, 5:00 am saya dah terjaga dan tak mahu tertidur balik. Saya check hand phone ada beberapa text, tapi biasanya tak macam tu. Saya buat apa yang patut, dan apa yang saya biasa buat. Tapi kali ni saya lipat kain, yang saya jarang-jarang buat waktu awal pagi.

Hari ni macam biasa, saya bersiap ala kadar nak pergi kerja. Sebenarnya saya nak cuti hari ni, tapi Prof minta saya datang, ada sikit kerja nak buat. Seminar dia pukul 11:00 am, tapi paperwork dia kena betulkan sikit. Saya buat pembetulan dan buat fotokopi yang macam dia mintak, dan siap pukul 10:00 am.

Hari ni saya walaupun ingat nak cuti, kena pergi office kat Ampang, jumpa CEO. Saya sampai sana lepas lunch. Tiba-tiba dia minta saya buat sikit presentation tentang research saya. Saya cerita serba sikit. Sebab selain CEO, ada ahli lembaga yang lain, saya ditanya itu ini. Saya nak terangkan research saya bukan main punya payah. Serupa mengajar, sebab kebanyakan ahli lembaga bukan dari back ground sains.

Sampai kat Shah Alam, sudahpun pukul 5:00 pm. Saya isytihar pada prof, hari ni saya tak jadi cuti. Hari ni macam biasa, saya kehulu kehilir terangkan pasal research saya. Sebenarnya saya betul-betul hendak cuti hari ni. Saya nak tengok wayang, nak shopping, nak relax-relax kat rumah, nak jogging petang-petang, tapi semuanya tak jadi.. hari ni macam biasa.

Hari ni jadi hari yang terlalu biasa, tak istimewa pun. Macam tahun lepas, dan tahun-tahun sebelumnya. Patutnya saya boleh buat apa saja hari ni. Sebab hari ni hari saya, hari hari lahir saya. Happy Birthday saya!!! Happy birthday jugak buat Atiqah, Hafez & Najib.

In need of a hug

Fly me to the moon
And let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars
In other words hold my hand
In other words darling kiss me

Fill my life with song
And let me sing forevermore
You are all I hope for
All I worship and adore
In other words please be true
In other words I love you.

*The picture was taken by myself :)

Nano World

"Little knowledge estranges man from God, science brings him back"

~Sir Francis Bacon

What is nano-world? Everything is nano now, nano-materials and nano-technology. Many are wondering what is it? Most important is it's effect on us. It is simply a world dealing with anything, matter and anti-matter that is by the scale 1/1,000,000,000 of 1m (meter). Can you imagine such situation?

Everything, which is exist now is reduced to such a size, yet assuming they are still functioning through some might be affected by such an effect of miniaturization. Imagine, something, which you are able to see suddenly, vanishes into the thin air. It becomes invisible. Or simply a ghost or a spirit, still exist but no longer seen or felt. A real world transforms into a relatively virtual world.

Do you realize that whatever we see now are those you are able to see with your naked eyes or thise you see with something capable of capturing and magnifying to your scale. For example, a magnifying glass magnifies an object up to 10x while a tunneling microscope to 1,000,000,000x. What about those, which are smaller? They exist and functional yet still unknown because we are unable to detect or we do not have the capability of doing so. Does it mean they do not exist? Is this the way the saying "seeing is believing"?

As time goes by and with better understanding, innovation and so forth, a day will come when things will be different. Many so called myth and infinite might be real and finite. The meaning of infinitely small is no longer confined to infinity, but beyond our mean or imagination now. Actually such a concept is nothing new. Suddenly the so-called theories will no longer be, even contradicts. However, the truth is still the same, but the current truth might not be so if they are not the truth yet. It is our obligation to seek the truth, albeit it might hurt.

The world of materials; organic, inorganic, naturally occuring or man-made will be different, but most importantly they must be smart, intelligent, more functional than now because we are able to understand and control since their begining or when they are at the smallest stage. Imagine a situation where you are able to replace your aging organs, able to grow your desirable fruits or simply able to fulfill your current wishful dreams.

Atok

Kalau Sultan Melaka berkehendakkan aku, adalah peminangannya satu jambatan emas dan satu jambatan perak dari Gunung Ledang ke Melaka, kuman tujuh dulang, hati nyamuk tujuh dulang, air mata anak dara setempayan, darah anakandanya semangkuk… hmm, apa lagi tok?

"Kasih sayang dan ikrar setia". Aku senyum, atok pun senyum. Kalaulah ada Sultan Melaka…

Sudah lama aku tak merasai cuti yang panjang yang riang. Cuti Chinese New Year dan Maal Hijrah kali ini baru betul-betul rasa meriah. Paling seronok sebab kali ini atok dan family pak long ada bersama. Atok yang keuzurannya selalu membataskan aktiviti kami, kali ini ikut sama bercuti. Walau tak pernah tinggal inhalernya, atok selalu senyum dan buat kami ketawa.

Paling biasa kalau atok ada, mesti tonton cerita lama-lama. Zaman atok muda-muda dulu. Kali ni atok pilih cerita Sarjan Hassan & Pendekar Bujang Lapuk. Bila tiba scene favorite, semuanya sama-sama ikut skrip; “gua tukar nama jadi Ahmad Ah Leng bin Abdul Lolah”, “fil fadang fasiru, ta’adudil fokok kayuil”. Lepas tu kami ketawa sama-sama.

Atok kata atok rasa muda kalau tengok cerita lama-lama.

Dalam kereta, memang aku paling suka nyanyi lagu kuat-kuat. Adik pun suka ikut sama. Biar pitching lari, biar tempo berterabur, biar lirik pun tak ingat, kami tetap suka nyanyi kuat-kuat, kadang-kadang lagi kuat dari bunyi radio. Bila atok ada jugak dalam kereta, tiba-tiba atok bunyikan “tong, tong, tong” kuat-kuat dengan mulut dia. Atok kata atok tak tahu nyanyi lagu tu, jadi atok nak jadi bunyi drum je. Kami ketawa sama-sama. Lepas tu atok nyanyi lagu yang kami pulak tak tahu. Aku perlahankan suara radio, nak dengar suara atok nyanyi. Atok kata itu lagu famous masa atok muda dulu, tapi kami tak tahu.

Atok kata atok rasa muda kalau nyanyi lagu tu.

Ameen, baru umur 10 tahun, memang lasak budaknya. Di rumah aku, dia nak main ‘lawan-lawan’ dengan aku. Tumbuk dan tendang main-main, siapa jatuh dia yang kalah. Ameen tarik kaki aku, tapi aku tak jatuh, tak juga boleh buat-buat jatuh, sebab aku lagi besar dari dia, lagi berat, jadi aku tak jatuh dan tak kalah. Ameen tumbuk lagi, aku mengelak. Habis semua silat dia keluarkan. Akhir sekali aku tolak pelipat lutut dia dan dia terbaring, aku dah menang. Aku duduk atas dia, buat muka juara. Atok tengok kami lawan. Atok kata “tolak dia lagi Ameen, pusingkan kaki dia”. Atok juara silat dulu, sebab moyang kami memang guru silat.

Atok kata atok rasa muda kalau mula bersilat lagi.

Dan kali terakhir itu, sebelum salam tangan atok, atok pesan suruh jaga diri baik-baik, kerja betul-betul, jaga keluarga dan cari suami yang baik. Atok kata atok nak timang cicit sebelum tutup mata, aku kata atok mengada-ngada. Tak tahu kenapa kali itu hati rasa sangat sayu. Aku cium tangan atok lama-lama. Aku kata aku sayang atok, atok kata dia tahu. Kami senyum sama-sama.

Atok kata dia dah tua.

Wishes

Ewan : Which one is better on me Lun, a walking stick or a crutch?
Me : Walking stick, if you want to look like Charlie Chaplin.
Ewan : ..but i want to look like Gandhi!

* Ewan who called me MNG for Miss Nice Girl, picking up some equipment for his broken ankle. I am so sorry dude, get well soon ok! I am still Miss Nice Girl, i hope! (",) ..and please be GOOD! *wink*

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breath?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

Anything But Ordinary -Avril Lavigne

Life is suffering

Working won three quarter of those, or maybe a whole of that. The pain herein presented forces and struggle, for the most part, to remain paid every month, to live better, to achieve something, to be somebody, to eat and to feed, and mostly to get blessing from God. Work is a series of problems. Do we want to moan about them or solve them? Moan first, then solve. *big grin*

I found my current job as a Research Officer is quite a tough piece of work. Thus, I am hired as a RO for my company, suppose to be spending my time figuring out how I ought to broaden the product quality and quantity, get to the bottom of some production problems, thinking of some new method which have less surveillance and man capacity and continuously striving the company’s achievement so far. I am ok with that but, on the awful side, I am working all alone. Carrying tones of responsibilities by my ownself is not amusing at all.

So, lepaking at my new found favorite spot whenever I can is most pleasurable. It is sited on top of a hill where I can see Shah Alam in whole; the mosque, High Court, Concorde Hotel, Plaza Masalam et cetera. Sure it is not like the feeling of two weeks vacation that takes me far away from the city and out of the reach of work, but the point is relaxation, not luxury.

And yesterday, on top of the hill, I learnt a new thing: postman still deliver letter 6:30 pm. Kesian… Moral of the story: bersyukurlah dapat jadi RO than a postman!

I am

I am down with frustration. Have you ever believe on someone so badly; telling them whatever crosses your mind, wishpering your secrets, but in the end they reveal to the whole world about it. Yeah.. it really hurts! Ouchsss! I shouldn't believe that innocent face.

I am demotivated. Demoralized. Work is not helping, so much thing to think, yet so little grey matter work intensely. I sit 1 hour minimum everyday to figure out what am i doing and realize that i did nothing.

Am looking for a vacation.
Am waiting for fresher air.
Am wanting to make lot of haikus!

Speak

How could i best knowing you
So that no significant thought will be missing
Definite thing shall always remembered
and not forgotten.

Belati sukma
Melarik merah rindu
Guruh merusuh.

A new leaf

Hello everybody.. ada orait ka?

I am good. Really. Cuma ketaktahuanarah setiap kali nak menulis. Bila nak menulis ada saja halangan. Anak menangis mintak susu. Kalau tidak pun lampin penyerapan bergandanya dah lencun dek air hancing warna kuning. Kalau tidak pun anak ajak main. Kalau tidak pun bapaknya pulak bising mintak makan. Oh, tapi ini cuma penipuan semata-mata. Tak ada anak nangis, tak ada bapaknya yang lapar.

Sebenarnya, memang sudah kering idea nak menulis. Dari menulis perkara remeh-temeh dan bukan-bukan, baik dibiarkan saja kosong, tak ada tulisan. Tapi ada yang bising suruh tulis apa-apa. Dia letakkan blog ini macam indicator, kalau tak menulis, penulisnya mungkin dah kembali ke alam baqa'.. tapi helah kau MT, memang menjadi. Aku pun jadi takut, takut-takut kalau ada orang dah baca tahlil untuk aku, hehe..

Dan ada seorang lagi pun bertanya kenapa aku tak menulis lagi di sini, aku pun jawab tak ada idea, kalau ada pun mungkin cuma cerita pasal kita. Dia kata nanti jadi blog untuk adults pulak. Adults! heheh.. Aku kan dah adults kan? haha.. Tapi itulah, aku still tak tahu nak tulis menulis apa, harapnya lepas post yang ini dapatlah aku menulis lagi. Cerita karut marut, merapu meraban lagi. (tapi antara kita bukan karut, merapu..)

* Kepala masih sakit lagi Kak M, kehilangan anak akak masih lagi memberati otak saya.
** Terima kasih kiriman buku, Fendi! Nanti aku pulangkan sebagai hantaran :)
*** Selamat pengantin baru Suhana, Liza, Wahida, Shahida, Fikri.
**** dan terakhir sekali for you S, thank you so much, for everything. You mean a lot in my life.

Thoughts

Here's some thoughts and stuffs i've learnt this week:

1) If i donno what to do, DONT DO ANYTHING. Step back and relax. Let time decide what will happen next.

2) If i regret of doing something, CRY HARD! It is the best cure of all time.

3) There is still at least ONE PERSON who wants to see me smile.

4) If my father says "come home", DO COME HOME. Or i'll lost / miss place another RM400 of my newly withdraw cash when i stomp out of the bank, pissing of my dad who cant stop pestering me to come home (darn, still cant find it!)

5) Ramadhan is near. GET READY and try to be a good muslim. Repent of all sins.

6) Dont ever forget SUFFIAN'S BIRTHDAY. Driving at 7:30am on Sunday morning to meet him without handling him his becoming birthday present is so stupid.

7) It's October again and "LET ME FALL" (by Bethany Joy Lenz)

It's October again
Leaves are coming down
One more year's come and gone
And nothing's changed at all
Wasn't I supposed to be someone
Who can face the things that I've been running from...?

Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown
Let me fall, even if I hit the ground
And if I...
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived, just a little...

I've become much too good at being invincible
I'm an expert at play it safe, and keep it cool
But I swear this isn't who I'm meant to be
I refuse to let my life roll all over me...

I wanna be somebody
I, I wanna be somebody
I wanna be somebody
I, I wanna be somebody who can face the things that I've been running from..

Incomplete

Seems like this blog has been a monthly dossage for me. My current life has been a hard game. It is as if someone has given me a jigsaw puzzle and removed some pieces of it, and still expects me to form the coherent whole.

Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you within me I can't find no rest
Where I'm going is anybody's guess

I try to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby, it's written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake

I don't mean to drag it on,
But I can't seem to let you go
I don't wanna make you face this world alone
I wanna let you go (alone)

My News At-work

Tak perlu betulkan tempat duduk anda. Ya, betul. Blog ini masih lagi bernyawa, masih lagi hidup, sehidup tuan yang empunyanya.

Mulai bulan lalu saya terpaksa memandu 64km setiap pagi ke tempat kerja. Biasanya akan mengambil masa selama 45 minit ke satu jam, bergantung pada laluan trafik waktu itu. Seawal 7:00 pagi sudah mula memanas enjin kereta dan vroom.. ke tempat kerja.

Satu yang buat saya selalu sakit jiwa adalah kerana dalam perjalanan itu saya takkan sunyi dengan lori-lori hantu dan toyol yang membawa muatan pasir dan batu kerikil. Sungguh kasihan kereta saya, sekali-sekala terkena juga batu kerikil yang berhamburan dari lori yang lajunya mengalahkan Barrichello. Sungguh saya sakit jiwa, rasa mahu mati. Sekali lori-lori hantu dan toyol ini berlalu, terus-terusan berkumpulan. Sudahlah jalannya macam ular kena palu!

Kalau lori-lori hantu dan toyol ini buat saya rasa mahu mati, kalau si backhoe ada di depan pula buat saya mahu bunuh diri. Bayangkan saya cuma boleh bergerak 20km sejam! Paling indah nian bila si backhoe Quasibodoh ini juga jalan bergroup-groupan. Saya rasa malu pada biawak dan monyet di sepanjang jalan!

Senario yang sama saya akan hadapi juga dalam perjalanan pulang. Sungguh 128km yang sangat menyeksakan. Sampai sahaja di rumah, biasanya hari sudah pun beransur malam. Perut sudah mula menyanyi minta diisi, dan sudahnya pukul 10 malam mata sudah layu keletihan. Esoknya pukul 5:30 pagi sudah mahu bersedia lagi untuk perjalanan saya yang kejam. Internet, blogspot, e-sastera dan e-mail sudah pun hilang taringnya.

Walau bukan sepenuhnya kerana perjalanan ke tempat kerja, saya terlalu ingin sekali berhenti kerja. Cari kerja lain. Mahu tinggalkan kerja yang saya telah buat lebih 3 tahun ini. Mahu buat kerja yang lain. Kawan saya kata saya sudah gila. Mahu cari kerja lain walau kerja sekarang sudah boleh menjamin hidup sampai pencen. Tapi saya masih mahu cari kerja lain, yang lebih saya jiwai (cehhh.. piiirah!). Sesiapa boleh bagi saya kerja kosong? Gaji boleh runding. Cukup makan, pakai, sewa rumah dan ansuran kereta sudahlah. Kerja jadi housewife ke? Hahahha...

Space

I really wanted to say something.. but i dont know what.













It's better to leave this 'something' unspoken.

MAYBE!