Wishes

Ewan : Which one is better on me Lun, a walking stick or a crutch?
Me : Walking stick, if you want to look like Charlie Chaplin.
Ewan : ..but i want to look like Gandhi!

* Ewan who called me MNG for Miss Nice Girl, picking up some equipment for his broken ankle. I am so sorry dude, get well soon ok! I am still Miss Nice Girl, i hope! (",) ..and please be GOOD! *wink*

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breath?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

Anything But Ordinary -Avril Lavigne

Life is suffering

Working won three quarter of those, or maybe a whole of that. The pain herein presented forces and struggle, for the most part, to remain paid every month, to live better, to achieve something, to be somebody, to eat and to feed, and mostly to get blessing from God. Work is a series of problems. Do we want to moan about them or solve them? Moan first, then solve. *big grin*

I found my current job as a Research Officer is quite a tough piece of work. Thus, I am hired as a RO for my company, suppose to be spending my time figuring out how I ought to broaden the product quality and quantity, get to the bottom of some production problems, thinking of some new method which have less surveillance and man capacity and continuously striving the company’s achievement so far. I am ok with that but, on the awful side, I am working all alone. Carrying tones of responsibilities by my ownself is not amusing at all.

So, lepaking at my new found favorite spot whenever I can is most pleasurable. It is sited on top of a hill where I can see Shah Alam in whole; the mosque, High Court, Concorde Hotel, Plaza Masalam et cetera. Sure it is not like the feeling of two weeks vacation that takes me far away from the city and out of the reach of work, but the point is relaxation, not luxury.

And yesterday, on top of the hill, I learnt a new thing: postman still deliver letter 6:30 pm. Kesian… Moral of the story: bersyukurlah dapat jadi RO than a postman!

I am

I am down with frustration. Have you ever believe on someone so badly; telling them whatever crosses your mind, wishpering your secrets, but in the end they reveal to the whole world about it. Yeah.. it really hurts! Ouchsss! I shouldn't believe that innocent face.

I am demotivated. Demoralized. Work is not helping, so much thing to think, yet so little grey matter work intensely. I sit 1 hour minimum everyday to figure out what am i doing and realize that i did nothing.

Am looking for a vacation.
Am waiting for fresher air.
Am wanting to make lot of haikus!

Speak

How could i best knowing you
So that no significant thought will be missing
Definite thing shall always remembered
and not forgotten.

Belati sukma
Melarik merah rindu
Guruh merusuh.

A new leaf

Hello everybody.. ada orait ka?

I am good. Really. Cuma ketaktahuanarah setiap kali nak menulis. Bila nak menulis ada saja halangan. Anak menangis mintak susu. Kalau tidak pun lampin penyerapan bergandanya dah lencun dek air hancing warna kuning. Kalau tidak pun anak ajak main. Kalau tidak pun bapaknya pulak bising mintak makan. Oh, tapi ini cuma penipuan semata-mata. Tak ada anak nangis, tak ada bapaknya yang lapar.

Sebenarnya, memang sudah kering idea nak menulis. Dari menulis perkara remeh-temeh dan bukan-bukan, baik dibiarkan saja kosong, tak ada tulisan. Tapi ada yang bising suruh tulis apa-apa. Dia letakkan blog ini macam indicator, kalau tak menulis, penulisnya mungkin dah kembali ke alam baqa'.. tapi helah kau MT, memang menjadi. Aku pun jadi takut, takut-takut kalau ada orang dah baca tahlil untuk aku, hehe..

Dan ada seorang lagi pun bertanya kenapa aku tak menulis lagi di sini, aku pun jawab tak ada idea, kalau ada pun mungkin cuma cerita pasal kita. Dia kata nanti jadi blog untuk adults pulak. Adults! heheh.. Aku kan dah adults kan? haha.. Tapi itulah, aku still tak tahu nak tulis menulis apa, harapnya lepas post yang ini dapatlah aku menulis lagi. Cerita karut marut, merapu meraban lagi. (tapi antara kita bukan karut, merapu..)

* Kepala masih sakit lagi Kak M, kehilangan anak akak masih lagi memberati otak saya.
** Terima kasih kiriman buku, Fendi! Nanti aku pulangkan sebagai hantaran :)
*** Selamat pengantin baru Suhana, Liza, Wahida, Shahida, Fikri.
**** dan terakhir sekali for you S, thank you so much, for everything. You mean a lot in my life.

Thoughts

Here's some thoughts and stuffs i've learnt this week:

1) If i donno what to do, DONT DO ANYTHING. Step back and relax. Let time decide what will happen next.

2) If i regret of doing something, CRY HARD! It is the best cure of all time.

3) There is still at least ONE PERSON who wants to see me smile.

4) If my father says "come home", DO COME HOME. Or i'll lost / miss place another RM400 of my newly withdraw cash when i stomp out of the bank, pissing of my dad who cant stop pestering me to come home (darn, still cant find it!)

5) Ramadhan is near. GET READY and try to be a good muslim. Repent of all sins.

6) Dont ever forget SUFFIAN'S BIRTHDAY. Driving at 7:30am on Sunday morning to meet him without handling him his becoming birthday present is so stupid.

7) It's October again and "LET ME FALL" (by Bethany Joy Lenz)

It's October again
Leaves are coming down
One more year's come and gone
And nothing's changed at all
Wasn't I supposed to be someone
Who can face the things that I've been running from...?

Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown
Let me fall, even if I hit the ground
And if I...
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived, just a little...

I've become much too good at being invincible
I'm an expert at play it safe, and keep it cool
But I swear this isn't who I'm meant to be
I refuse to let my life roll all over me...

I wanna be somebody
I, I wanna be somebody
I wanna be somebody
I, I wanna be somebody who can face the things that I've been running from..

Incomplete

Seems like this blog has been a monthly dossage for me. My current life has been a hard game. It is as if someone has given me a jigsaw puzzle and removed some pieces of it, and still expects me to form the coherent whole.

Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you within me I can't find no rest
Where I'm going is anybody's guess

I try to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby, it's written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake

I don't mean to drag it on,
But I can't seem to let you go
I don't wanna make you face this world alone
I wanna let you go (alone)

My News At-work

Tak perlu betulkan tempat duduk anda. Ya, betul. Blog ini masih lagi bernyawa, masih lagi hidup, sehidup tuan yang empunyanya.

Mulai bulan lalu saya terpaksa memandu 64km setiap pagi ke tempat kerja. Biasanya akan mengambil masa selama 45 minit ke satu jam, bergantung pada laluan trafik waktu itu. Seawal 7:00 pagi sudah mula memanas enjin kereta dan vroom.. ke tempat kerja.

Satu yang buat saya selalu sakit jiwa adalah kerana dalam perjalanan itu saya takkan sunyi dengan lori-lori hantu dan toyol yang membawa muatan pasir dan batu kerikil. Sungguh kasihan kereta saya, sekali-sekala terkena juga batu kerikil yang berhamburan dari lori yang lajunya mengalahkan Barrichello. Sungguh saya sakit jiwa, rasa mahu mati. Sekali lori-lori hantu dan toyol ini berlalu, terus-terusan berkumpulan. Sudahlah jalannya macam ular kena palu!

Kalau lori-lori hantu dan toyol ini buat saya rasa mahu mati, kalau si backhoe ada di depan pula buat saya mahu bunuh diri. Bayangkan saya cuma boleh bergerak 20km sejam! Paling indah nian bila si backhoe Quasibodoh ini juga jalan bergroup-groupan. Saya rasa malu pada biawak dan monyet di sepanjang jalan!

Senario yang sama saya akan hadapi juga dalam perjalanan pulang. Sungguh 128km yang sangat menyeksakan. Sampai sahaja di rumah, biasanya hari sudah pun beransur malam. Perut sudah mula menyanyi minta diisi, dan sudahnya pukul 10 malam mata sudah layu keletihan. Esoknya pukul 5:30 pagi sudah mahu bersedia lagi untuk perjalanan saya yang kejam. Internet, blogspot, e-sastera dan e-mail sudah pun hilang taringnya.

Walau bukan sepenuhnya kerana perjalanan ke tempat kerja, saya terlalu ingin sekali berhenti kerja. Cari kerja lain. Mahu tinggalkan kerja yang saya telah buat lebih 3 tahun ini. Mahu buat kerja yang lain. Kawan saya kata saya sudah gila. Mahu cari kerja lain walau kerja sekarang sudah boleh menjamin hidup sampai pencen. Tapi saya masih mahu cari kerja lain, yang lebih saya jiwai (cehhh.. piiirah!). Sesiapa boleh bagi saya kerja kosong? Gaji boleh runding. Cukup makan, pakai, sewa rumah dan ansuran kereta sudahlah. Kerja jadi housewife ke? Hahahha...

Space

I really wanted to say something.. but i dont know what.













It's better to leave this 'something' unspoken.

MAYBE!

Perihal En. Demam

Dah lama blog ni senyap sunyi tak terupdate rupanya. Blog siapalah ni? hehehe..

Tiga - empat hari yang lalu En. Demam datang menjenguk saya lagi, dan sempena kedatangannya itu, saya terpaksa cuti beberapa hari. Bukan macam kedatangan yg lepas, kali ini dia tak bawa En. Batuk dan Cik Selesema sekali, yang dia bawa cuma En. Tonsilitis. Saya rasa En. Ton ini lagi buruk perangainya dari En. Batuk dan Cik Selesema. Saya amat meradang dengan En. Ton sampai suara saya pun dah macam rock star.

Saya bukannya apa, kalau dulu-dulu En. Demam datang mungkin bukan satu kesukaran bagi saya, tapi sekarang setelah saya dewasa, saya dah amat tak suka dengan En. Demam lagi. Dulu, kalau En. Demam datang dan pada masa itu mak ayah saya ada, saya sangat suka. Kalau saya nak sup, mak saya buatkan, kalau saya nak jeli, mak saya belikan, kalau saya nak suap, mak saya suapkan. Ayah saya pulak, akan duduk sebelah saya. Dia urutkan kaki saya, urutkan tangan saya, urutkan kepala saya, sampai tertidur. Kalau saya yang tertidur, dia berhentilah. Tapi kalau dia yang tertidur, saya gerakkan badan saya supaya dia terjaga dah urut badan saya semula.

Kadang-kadang kalau En. Demam datang, dia bawa sekali Pn. Muntah. Dalam keluarga saya, memang Pn. Muntah suka sekali dengan saya, tapi saya tak suka dia. Kakak dan adik saya selalu gaduh-gaduh siapa yang kena basuh kalau saya termuntah atas tilam, atas cadar, atas selimut. Saya tak sengaja, saya tak tahan. Kalau mak ayah saya tak ada, kakak saya suka suruh saya duduk dekat dengan tingkap bilik atau dekat dengan toilet, nanti dia tak payahlah nak gaduh-gaduh dengan adik siapa yang nak kena basuh.

Dulu kalau En. Demam datang, mak ayah saya bawa saya ke klinik, kena cucuk sekali kat punggung dan doktor bagi ubat warna warni. Saya suka ubat yang Dr. Fakharuddin bagi, manis macam gula-gula, tak macam ubat Dr. Nagiah, tak sedap, pahit, kelat, yuckk! Ubat Dr. Nagiah selalunya saya buang ke tingkap je. Tapi ada satu masa tu mak saya perasan, terus dia marah saya. Dia membebel kata "macam mana nak sihat kalau tak nak makan ubat?". Dia tak tahu saya memang tak nak baik sebab tak payah pegi sekolah dah dapat kena urut dengan ayah. Lepas tu saya tukar taktik, saya sorokkan ubat bawah tilam. Bila saya sihat nanti saya buanglah!

Satu lagi yang seronoknya kalau En. Demam datang dulu-dulu, atuk saya kadang-kadang datnag melawat. Atuk saya pandai mengubat saya. Dia pun pandai mengubat orang lain, tak hairanlah! Dia bukan bagi ubat macam Dr. Fakharuddin atau Dr. Nagiah, dia cuma buatkan air yang dia dah baca-baca lepas sembahyang. Kalau dia tak dapat datang pun, mak akan bagi saya kain pelikat atuk. Nanti saya peluk-peluk kain tu, letak atas kepala, buat selimut. Kakak dan adik saya kalau dilawati En. Demam pun guna kain pelikat atuk. Sekarang saya pun tak tahu kat mana mak simpan kain pelikat atuk. Nanti kejap lagi saya tanya dia.

Sekarang, masa mengetuk key-board ni, suhu badan saya (seperti ditunjukkan thermometer) masih lagi 37.8 darjah Celcius. En. Demam belum betul-betul pergi lagi. Oklah, saya nak tidur di surau!

Pathetic

Aku rasa nak menangis sekarang. Aku nak menjerit. Aku nak baring atas rumput hijau dan melihat bintang berkerlipan di dada langit malam. Aku nak lari, jauh dari sini.

Pathetic.

Kalau engkau dengar apa yang aku rintihkan sekarang, engkau fahamkah? Engkau ambil kisahkah? Engkau pedulikah? Kalau engkau sempat dengar butir bicara aku sebelum gagang kau letakkan, engkau ambil pusingkah?

Pathetic.

Sungguh memalukan perkara ini untuk makhluk seusia aku. Jurnal yang tak bersalah ini jadi gelanggang aku menyepah kata duka aku pada engkau. Semua orang baca dan tahu. Engkau tak. Kalau pun engkau baca dan tahu, engkau mahu ambil pusingkah?

Selalu aku kata dan kotakan yang kau takkan seorang dalam segala apa keadaan pun. Dan kerana janji itu, aku bersedia dari segala hal, dalam setiap masa, di mana pun juga untuk engkau. Dan kerana janji itu juga, separuh hidup aku hampir semuanya untuk engkau. Engkau ambil pusingkah?

Pathetic.

Dan bila kesumat itu datang sekali sekala, aku terlalu ingin nak jadi manusia kejam untuk engkau. Aku teramat sangat ingin melihat engkau menangis seorang, merajuk seorang dan bersedih dengan diri engkau sahaja. Tapi aku tak mampu. Kerana janji itu.

Pathetic.

Engkau tak ambil pusing kan? Dan mungkin juga perasaan ini datang sebab aku kurang baca Al-Quran.. Harap akulah.

Prolog setengah tahun

Sedar tak sedar, tahun 2005 sudah tinggal separuh. Kalau main bola sepak, separuh masa pertama cuma dihabiskan untuk membasahkan baju. Separuh masa ke dua baru pulun habis-habisan, mati-matian. Tak ada injury time, tak ada penalty kick. Aku belum berjaya jaringkan gol; ada defender yang bagus, goal keeper tinggi lampai, lawan yang kuat mengasak.

Sayangnya aku tak perasan rupanya aku main sorang diri dalam permainan ni.

Sekarang bukan masanya nak menangguh-nangguh perkara kebajikan, bukan masanya nak melengah-lengahkan kebaikan, bukan masanya nak bermalas-malasan. Tak boleh lagi merasa dengan otak dan berfikir dengan hati. Bukan juga masanya nak meletak ilham jiwa di kepala lutut. Bosan dan fed-up juga tak boleh digunakan sebagai kata harian.

Sayangnya aku tak perasan rupanya.. rupanya.. resam minyak tetap minyak, resam air tetap air.

Epitaph

A quiet room. Dark. Light shaped by some strikes outside. Stinging and hurting my sight. I didn’t move an inch. Not from the second i came to the window. It was very dark in and out the frozen window.

The window was unlocked, faintly ajar. The curtains waived raucously. Huge heavy plunks of rain drops rushed in. I watched the rain behind the frozen window. It was a crazy storm outside. Lightning strokes and brawled and paused. There was a bird lodged by the window for some shed.

I pulled the window hard. It closed eventually. I checked the room in a glance. Emphatically didn’t miss a thing. The tv set. The crowded table. The wet carpet. The darkness. The silence.

I was all alone in my apartment. A total absence of everything. No human being. No affection. And i was afraid penetrated to the emptiness of life just like this. I could feel the fears collided toward me. Drawing nearer every moment. That so many dark sorrows came bustling through all directions. I stood still.

I fear being alone and left unnoticed. As like only death can do this. Die and rot. Rot and vanish. I fear independency and fragility. I fear being invisible to the world. And that nobody sees me for real. Nobody wants me. Nobody needs me. I fear loneliness a lot.

And now, if that stormy day comes and i could hear your soothing voice asking me again. Of what the most terrifying thing i won’t be attend to, it would be this loneliness. Created by the silence and stillness of being alone. Of being with nobody mentally and physically. Of the wide width between me and the outer world.

And if we can go back to the storm and you ask me the same question again. I would say that i fear losing you. Even that i did loose you subsequently. You did fade away before that storm stoped.

Hello, i'm Muadz

Isn't he cute? Notice his Einsteinish look! Meminjam gambar anak Kak Fathean buat penyeri bloggie. Ini haiku untuk Muadz sayang, auntie loves you!

Kudup berkembang
Berseri senyum manja
Si comel girang

Unforgettable Istanpool

Why Liverpool should win the game:

1) Look what they did to Chelsea. Why not Milan.
2) They can't defend the trophy for the next season.
3) The team's development in Champions League doing fine, even better than all other top sides.
4) Rafa and Stevie G is just superb for the cup.
5) No serious injuries to the players. The tops are in the game.
6) The trophy should be home after some decades.
7) I want it that way. hehe..

Bottomline: THEY DID IT! Yaaayyy!!

Wouldn't it be nice?

Aboutastro gave me this:

Now on Wednesday lectures can turn people off and you yourself are not in the mood to have others tell you what is right or wrong with your world. Try focusing instead on creating a romantic relationship with someone who is very important to you at this time. This is an ideal time to heal a relationship or start a new one with amazing joy. Venus interacts with Mars to bring passion and pleasure to your day and the current Lunar Phase adds a little spice with a dose of mystery.

I wish it would be that easy, hehe. Listenting to this at the moment.

Skin issue

Dear Dr. Jen How

I have no idea of what caused it, but i tend to get bloody lazy feeling of going to the clinic. I'm not phobic. Hyper-chondriac, maybe!

I had been diagnosed of having contact dermatitis few years back, but for almost a month now, i have really (at least to me) strange skin issues. I have mild red spots on my face, itching and burning sensation especially on the cheeks. I thought it is the same dermatitis, so i am giving myself a topical treatments that i've used before; Corticosteroids - Hydrocortisone cream 1.0%. Since then a multitude of things that I was never allergic to before, make my skin react. From mild itching and burning, it become painful.

So, my second thought said that there is a possibility all of this being a fungal infection since i am using non-allergy detergents, non-allergy pillows and bedding, not changing cosmetics (do i have any cosmetic product? hmmm..) and i do not have any pets make no sense that it is contact dermatitis. After diagnosing myself as having tinea versicolour (i know it worse than dermatitis, but i think it is managable) i used dundruff shampoo which have 1% selenium sulfide to treat the spots. I applied it at bedtime, left it overnight and wash it off in the morning. It is a 'success', it become more swollen, red and painful.

Pardon me for my lack knowledge on medicine and i know i make more harm to myself. What should i do now? If this happens due to the 'batsu' thingy, i surrender je lah. So.. Jen How, i'm all yours now. Hyper-chondriac, no more.

The cost

Despite Pierce Brosnan's 52nd birthday and Teacher's Day yesterday, it was my 3rd anniversary of working in this company too. Celebrating it, here is how many hour i really work annualy and how much this company had paid me for an hour.

1) From the total 356 days a year, Sundays and odd Saturdays are excepted, counted as 78 days. Total days left are 287.

2) Annual leaves i take in average are 15 days per year, plus 15 days for national holidays. So, 287 - 15 - 15 = 257 days left.

3) Working time is about 8 hours a day, and that means i work 2,056 hours a year; 257 x 8 = 2,056.

4) One hour everyday goes to surfing the internet, games, blogging and chatting, means 257 hours. Total hour left = 1,799.

5) One hour goes to meals (lunch break & breakfast), means 257 hours used. Total hour left = 1,542.

6) Another one hour goes to talking, joking around and socializing, means another 257 hours wasted. Total hour left = 1,285.

7) This university offered 3 semesters yearly, and i dont have any classes or labs for the total 7 weeks short semester. So, 1,005 hours left; 7 weeks x 5 days x 8 hours = 280 hours.

8) From the total 1,005 hours, or 42 days of work annualy, they paid me RM 26.27 (USD6.60) for an hour! Lumayan sih!

Pump

The hiccups have already begun. Third time of the year.

Someone said that BN is now "Barang Naik". Oil companies of the world are now rationing the amount of gasoline they send to terminals as refineries struggle to make enough of the different specialty. Many industry analysts agree that rationing at the petrol terminals could easily lead to shortages of gas at the pump stations. There is nothing the average consumer can do right now. As long as consumers need to drive, they will continue to pay the prices at the pump.

What can we consumers do actually? Boycotts? Protests? No,jog to the office. Yeah, rite!

Footie lagi

When I wait for a football match, i spent a lot of my time dreaming about great goals. The word football sticks my eyes tighter to the screen than lovers grip (i do not like hectic stadium or mamak stall anymore guys, sorry!). But i don't believe that football is the greatest experience on earth. I don't even believe that football is the best game on earth. I've done something to forsake football. I've studied the rules and news, bought some megazines, jerseys; England's, MU's, Liverpool's and Barcelona's. Football's pull on my heart runs deep. It is my third love, after God and family. Though I tried to believe that the cliche wasn't true, it is. You'll never forget your loves, not even can try to avoid or ignore it. I'm not a die hard fan. For me, it's not the players and not the clubs. It's the game.

So, sorry BOSS. I may come a little bit late when the competition runs. Anyway, despite that controversial goal, Liverpool rocks!