Epitaph

A quiet room. Dark. Light shaped by some strikes outside. Stinging and hurting my sight. I didn’t move an inch. Not from the second i came to the window. It was very dark in and out the frozen window.

The window was unlocked, faintly ajar. The curtains waived raucously. Huge heavy plunks of rain drops rushed in. I watched the rain behind the frozen window. It was a crazy storm outside. Lightning strokes and brawled and paused. There was a bird lodged by the window for some shed.

I pulled the window hard. It closed eventually. I checked the room in a glance. Emphatically didn’t miss a thing. The tv set. The crowded table. The wet carpet. The darkness. The silence.

I was all alone in my apartment. A total absence of everything. No human being. No affection. And i was afraid penetrated to the emptiness of life just like this. I could feel the fears collided toward me. Drawing nearer every moment. That so many dark sorrows came bustling through all directions. I stood still.

I fear being alone and left unnoticed. As like only death can do this. Die and rot. Rot and vanish. I fear independency and fragility. I fear being invisible to the world. And that nobody sees me for real. Nobody wants me. Nobody needs me. I fear loneliness a lot.

And now, if that stormy day comes and i could hear your soothing voice asking me again. Of what the most terrifying thing i won’t be attend to, it would be this loneliness. Created by the silence and stillness of being alone. Of being with nobody mentally and physically. Of the wide width between me and the outer world.

And if we can go back to the storm and you ask me the same question again. I would say that i fear losing you. Even that i did loose you subsequently. You did fade away before that storm stoped.

Hello, i'm Muadz

Isn't he cute? Notice his Einsteinish look! Meminjam gambar anak Kak Fathean buat penyeri bloggie. Ini haiku untuk Muadz sayang, auntie loves you!

Kudup berkembang
Berseri senyum manja
Si comel girang

Unforgettable Istanpool

Why Liverpool should win the game:

1) Look what they did to Chelsea. Why not Milan.
2) They can't defend the trophy for the next season.
3) The team's development in Champions League doing fine, even better than all other top sides.
4) Rafa and Stevie G is just superb for the cup.
5) No serious injuries to the players. The tops are in the game.
6) The trophy should be home after some decades.
7) I want it that way. hehe..

Bottomline: THEY DID IT! Yaaayyy!!

Wouldn't it be nice?

Aboutastro gave me this:

Now on Wednesday lectures can turn people off and you yourself are not in the mood to have others tell you what is right or wrong with your world. Try focusing instead on creating a romantic relationship with someone who is very important to you at this time. This is an ideal time to heal a relationship or start a new one with amazing joy. Venus interacts with Mars to bring passion and pleasure to your day and the current Lunar Phase adds a little spice with a dose of mystery.

I wish it would be that easy, hehe. Listenting to this at the moment.

Skin issue

Dear Dr. Jen How

I have no idea of what caused it, but i tend to get bloody lazy feeling of going to the clinic. I'm not phobic. Hyper-chondriac, maybe!

I had been diagnosed of having contact dermatitis few years back, but for almost a month now, i have really (at least to me) strange skin issues. I have mild red spots on my face, itching and burning sensation especially on the cheeks. I thought it is the same dermatitis, so i am giving myself a topical treatments that i've used before; Corticosteroids - Hydrocortisone cream 1.0%. Since then a multitude of things that I was never allergic to before, make my skin react. From mild itching and burning, it become painful.

So, my second thought said that there is a possibility all of this being a fungal infection since i am using non-allergy detergents, non-allergy pillows and bedding, not changing cosmetics (do i have any cosmetic product? hmmm..) and i do not have any pets make no sense that it is contact dermatitis. After diagnosing myself as having tinea versicolour (i know it worse than dermatitis, but i think it is managable) i used dundruff shampoo which have 1% selenium sulfide to treat the spots. I applied it at bedtime, left it overnight and wash it off in the morning. It is a 'success', it become more swollen, red and painful.

Pardon me for my lack knowledge on medicine and i know i make more harm to myself. What should i do now? If this happens due to the 'batsu' thingy, i surrender je lah. So.. Jen How, i'm all yours now. Hyper-chondriac, no more.

The cost

Despite Pierce Brosnan's 52nd birthday and Teacher's Day yesterday, it was my 3rd anniversary of working in this company too. Celebrating it, here is how many hour i really work annualy and how much this company had paid me for an hour.

1) From the total 356 days a year, Sundays and odd Saturdays are excepted, counted as 78 days. Total days left are 287.

2) Annual leaves i take in average are 15 days per year, plus 15 days for national holidays. So, 287 - 15 - 15 = 257 days left.

3) Working time is about 8 hours a day, and that means i work 2,056 hours a year; 257 x 8 = 2,056.

4) One hour everyday goes to surfing the internet, games, blogging and chatting, means 257 hours. Total hour left = 1,799.

5) One hour goes to meals (lunch break & breakfast), means 257 hours used. Total hour left = 1,542.

6) Another one hour goes to talking, joking around and socializing, means another 257 hours wasted. Total hour left = 1,285.

7) This university offered 3 semesters yearly, and i dont have any classes or labs for the total 7 weeks short semester. So, 1,005 hours left; 7 weeks x 5 days x 8 hours = 280 hours.

8) From the total 1,005 hours, or 42 days of work annualy, they paid me RM 26.27 (USD6.60) for an hour! Lumayan sih!

Pump

The hiccups have already begun. Third time of the year.

Someone said that BN is now "Barang Naik". Oil companies of the world are now rationing the amount of gasoline they send to terminals as refineries struggle to make enough of the different specialty. Many industry analysts agree that rationing at the petrol terminals could easily lead to shortages of gas at the pump stations. There is nothing the average consumer can do right now. As long as consumers need to drive, they will continue to pay the prices at the pump.

What can we consumers do actually? Boycotts? Protests? No,jog to the office. Yeah, rite!

Footie lagi

When I wait for a football match, i spent a lot of my time dreaming about great goals. The word football sticks my eyes tighter to the screen than lovers grip (i do not like hectic stadium or mamak stall anymore guys, sorry!). But i don't believe that football is the greatest experience on earth. I don't even believe that football is the best game on earth. I've done something to forsake football. I've studied the rules and news, bought some megazines, jerseys; England's, MU's, Liverpool's and Barcelona's. Football's pull on my heart runs deep. It is my third love, after God and family. Though I tried to believe that the cliche wasn't true, it is. You'll never forget your loves, not even can try to avoid or ignore it. I'm not a die hard fan. For me, it's not the players and not the clubs. It's the game.

So, sorry BOSS. I may come a little bit late when the competition runs. Anyway, despite that controversial goal, Liverpool rocks!

It finally came, i think

Over all my weekend was fine!

Except for the severe pain on my back. On the left rib to be exact. I woke up somewhere around 6 a.m. and the first thing i asked myself when i became concious was why i cant move my torso. And moving seemed too hard. Back pain, muscle spasms. Not that it have come and gotten if i had remember. Not the night before. Not the other day. So, i assumed that it occurs due to my bad sleeping posture, i think. It really hurt that i let my baby sister done all the house work. Kesian Mala.

I did have one interesting superstitious fact on this. I have once offered SA to reassign his back pain to me. So I was sitting there, silently on the red couch, acutely playing a game i 'installed' weeks ago, and making 'good' progress too. I am ok with that.

My bloggie is 1 year now. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Uncursed

When you smile, I melt inside
I'm not worthy for a minute of your time
I really wish it was only me and you
I'm jealous of everybody in the room
Please don't look at me with those eyes

~First Date~

Exaggerating rite? I know, but i like exaggerating it. REALLY! ;)

Missed me?

"Dan mungkin bila nanti
Kita akan bertemu lagi
Satu pintaku jangan kau cuba
Tanyakan kembali rasa yang kutinggal mati.."

Aku tak tahu sama ada Malaysian Idol, Akademi Fantasia atau Audition. Jiran seberang blok, betul-betul bertentangan tingkap bilik aku akan mula menyanyi melalak-lalak setiap senja. Semalam dia nyanyi lagu "jantan terhangat di pasaran" macam kelmarin dan hari-hari sebelumnya. Ada satu hari yang mulia tu, dia melalak lagi bersama mercun warna-warni pukul 2 pagi. 2 pagi, masa aku tengah dibuai mimpi!

Kalau aku kata aku rindukan engkau, engkau percaya tak?

Jiran depan rumah pulak asyik menyanyi lagu Hindi. Kejap-kejap "kuch kuch hota hai" kejap-kejap "ladja ladja". Mungkin nak join DJ Dave buat album Hindi. Aku rasa kalau dapat aku intai mesti boleh nampak jiran depan rumah menari berguling-guling tukar-tukar baju 5-6 kali.

Kalau aku kata aku rindukan engkau, engkau percaya tak?

Jiran sebelah rumah resistant. Senyap sunyi macam rumah tinggal. Rumah senyap sunyi sangat pun buat aku rasa nak mengintai. Tak ada orang ke? Cuma sekali-sekala terdengar jiran sebelah rumah menjerit "goal!!" sama aku pukul 4 pagi. Mamat WHQ Perdana putih tu ada lagi tak Ezan?

Kalau aku kata aku rindukan engkau, engkau percaya tak?

Aku sudah tak lama lagi bersama jiran-jiran kiri, kanan, depan rumah aku. Nanti kalau aku sudah pindah, aku cuma boleh dengar cengkerik, ayam dan lembu menyanyi. Atau mungkin aku pulak yang akan menyanyi menari macam orang kena epilepsi. Esok aku nak cari rumah baru. Di Batang Berjuntai. Pernah dengar tak?

Kalau aku kata aku rindukan engkau, engkau percaya tak?

Footie and me

Remember Euro 2004? The one that i upsetly watch England’s failure to Portugal, and Portugal to Greece? I kept on and on frustrated to the team that i root for. Am i not good enough in predicting? Or is soccer will be better without my prediction? Have i should now stop peeking who won and who loose, what is the score and who scored it? Is it worthy if i support the opposite team to win instead? in hoping that my (yes, mine) real team would win?

Oh, please. Of all reasons, football is a game which i entertain myself by watching a star, a well-known player doing hatricks, tackles, shots and goals. And i do enjoy yelling “goal” 4:00am in the morning as much as the time i grab, cringe and push a pillow to my face when the other team scores.

Forget about Ronaldinho’s nice penalty shot and his magical goal through the tightest space of four blue jerseys. My prediction was false, AGAIN! And tomorrow, yes, I’ll root for Juventus! Sigh!

Al-Fatihah

With tonnes of shock and regret, I am announcing the passing of a student, a student who was very bright, polite, humble and helpful to his friends. His death has jolted me of how mortal and fragile the life is, and it is very real and near to us all.

Al-fatihah; Nazirul Hafiy bin Nor Azmi, 1986-2005

[Updated: 4:25pm]

Tak tahulah kenapa i still cant overcome this feeling, the shock and sadness. Teringat dialog terakhir dengan arwah;

Arwah :Cik boleh saya tengok carry mark saya?
Saya :Saya tak siap lagilah. Kenapa?
Arwah :Nak ready sebelum final.
Saya :Kalau awak, saya jamin boleh dapat 80% from the total mark.
Arwah :Ok ke cik?
Saya :Absolutely. Kalau nanti dalam 5 tahun lagi awak jumpa saya balik, saya gerenti awak dah jadi somebody dah. Dah jadi lebih baik dari saya mungkin.

But there is no 5 years for him, no 5 months, no 5 days either. "Kullu nafsin zaaikatul maut".

2nd March

Boleh tak kalau ada satu hari tu kita skip. Kalau kita tak nak 2nd March ada dalam kalender, macam 29 February. Kalau 2nd March tak ada, kira umur kita tak payah bertambah boleh tak? Boleh tak kalau kita tak payah ada birthday? Tak ada hari yg istimewa nak memperingati hari kelahiran kita, biar mak kita je yang ingat hari dia melahirkan kita, boleh tak? Boleh tak macam tu?

Unluckily, tak boleh. So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.. semalam!

Hotspots

I do appreciate life, you know. One of my many amusements lies in spotting symptoms of the planet earth and the decline of what is sometimes dangerously called HOTSPOTS. These hotspots are not one like a full-packed hang out place with chunk of great cooked aroma under your nose. I can promise that you dont like it either, do you? Hotspots, no more!

Song at the moment: HIJAU

Take a break!

You know you need a vacation when:

1) You find yourself thinking the reason of why you need a vacation.
2) You care so much of the weather.
3) You spend your off time thinking of work.
4) Weekend means nothing to you, you even hate it.
5) Most of your colleagues said "you need a break".
6) You answering calls at home using the office greeting.
7) You think that your backpack has worn out.
8) You forgot to queue and cram up to this year's travel fair!

Oh, yes I do.

Yang laut, yang darat

Dia tanya aku lagi. Soalan yang sama, bentuk yang berbeza. Aku tak jawab macam biasa. Atau jawapan aku akan tetap sama.
__________

Dia tanya aku, bila aku mungkin ditukar ke sana. Jawatan itu masih kosong. Boss di sana berkali-kali bertanya pasal aku. Tugas yang banyak sedang menunggu. Boss aku jugak berkali-kali melarang aku ke sana. Big Boss pun bagi larangan yang sama. Surat yang dihantar takkan dilayan! Kalau kau betul-betul tanya aku, aku mahu di sini atau di sana, aku sendiri tak tahu.

Aku boleh tulis surat lagi. Aku boleh bercakap dengan Boss dan Big Boss. Aku boleh buat apa-apa yang kau suruh. Tapi aku sendiri tak tahu. Aku di sini boleh, di sana pun boleh. Passion aku pada Chemistry belum habis, jodoh kami sungguh lama. Aku sendiri tak tahu!
__________

Dia yang lain tanya aku, malam ni aku free tak? Kau tanya lagi, walhal kau tahu jadual malam Isnin aku. Mula dari kau kata keluar makan, kau tukar kepada jalan-jalan, kemudian lagi kau tukar jadi dating dan terakhir sekali, hari ini jadi teman Valentine.

Tapi ada satu benda masih takkan berubah, status kau dan aku. Jauhkan teori enggang-pipit itu. Aku sudah beritahu, kau boleh cari aku lagi lepas kau graduate dari sini, lepas aku tak bertanggung-jawab atas markah dan kelas kau. Aku sangat pasti dengan polisi kau dan aku. Kalau polisi itu tak terlibat sekalipun, mungkin aku masih tak mahu. Jangan tanya aku lagi. Aku jadi serba salah.
__________

Soalan-soalan berulang buat aku jemu. Aku pejam mata sebelah dan buat-buat tak tahu. Dan ketika aku menaip, ada lagu tema didendang dalam otak subconcious aku.. "yang darat balik ke darat, yang laut balik ke laut"

Of a course and DR

Got loads of ideas on what to blog but somehow it seems that i got no time to type it down. For so much things had happened, and too much more were forgotten.

Anyway, i went to the Company's obligatory course last weekend, attended by the dean, head of departments and most of the anchors. I was nothing really, but my boss said it was good for my credential and for the naik gaji thingy. It was a small resort that got two huge ponds, and it seem very new and beautiful. I went straight into the room of 4 participants, where we can oversaw the ponds. Only that the water was brownish cloudy, but it was nice nevertheless!

In the course, we were given several tasks, and anyone who did bad will be eliminated. I was overjoyed in the first task, and that i did very well. The next day FSh was voted out. There were 3 of us left. When the physical task came, FSj and MA made such excuses and i done all swimming, climbing, crawling and rafting works by myself. I did well too. The very next day, MA was voted out. Opsiess.. ok, this whole paragraph was nonsense. Nobody was eliminated, but i wish if such course is to be happen, i want to be the first. I hate courses!

The only thing that i enjoy most was new found friendship i made with one really (i mean REALLY) big guy of the Company, that he then turn to an ordinary guy with very basic conversation. We talked about soccer, car, marriage, about me and him. And when it came to byes, i said that he will never be the guy i met here again. He then, sent me a note of many advices, macam wasiat. I am touched. This is what a friend for. I wish him all the best. Hoping our lives fill of great things. Goodbye DR, brace yourself for the future and beyond.

Cursed

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey.. (MZ awarded me with this song not too long ago, thanks pal!) Ok, let talk about principal; the key to a successful friendship is communication. That's the rule. And that still my corollary to the first rule. And i failed at this.

I said: "You know it isnt the best way of doing it, right? You are seriously dating him, that's why (people putting 'slut' after your name)". On a friend who's dating a guy while both of them are in a relationship. But she said i'm JEALOUS.

I said: "I know you want to be near me at all time as we always used to be but i think that i have my (very bloody own) life to take with". And she said i DONT CARE.

I said: "I know i am socially single and getting older now, but i dont think i have to get a boyfriend this soon." To my friend a.k.a unofficial matchmaker. And she said i am not be THANKFUL.

First of all, I wasn't aware that I was giving the impression that friendship is something bad to live with. I'm here merely stating the facts, without bias or embellishment: a simple camera pointed at the scene, recording it with complete neutrality. I am, frankly, shocked and disturbed that my friends might think i communicate to make the case that i am, say, jealous, dont care or not be thankful! Perfectly put into practice there, you can see, Sherlock Holmes's rule that, "Once you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable must be the truth." I am not anymore a sunshine. Not even a sigle lit. Not even at all. No!

Haiku hari Khamis

Aku dan kamu
Tujuh belas hari kah?
Itu pilihan.