Tagged

Ok, so i felt like bull shits dropped right on my face, when i’ve been tagged. Seriously, Judd. Who on earth would want to reveal the weirdest, deepest, darkest, worst habits of their own right? Even so, i still hope these would explain a lot about me. I am not really a good girl as people used to see me. I truly am. Enjoy!

1. I am a spoiled brat. I cry a lot if something has gone over my entreaty, but of course i don’t like to show my sadness off in public. My crying spot is in my bedroom or in the toilet.

2. I took cigarettes in the span of less than 3 months long time ago. Faced with a bit rough problems, i thought ruining myself was almost the best way to achieve. Stupid, but i quit as soon as i regain my sanity. And mission accomplished, i did wreck my respiratory tracks!

3. I hate to wait. Sorry if i gone mad after some time of waiting. I can easily burst into madness if i have to wait especially if i am alone with nothing to do. Exception will always be there to whom i love most!

4. I am a superstitious person. I always feel that things happen with a reason and God will show if something good or bad are about to occur. Simplest is black clouds when it’s going to be rain. Complicated like got itchy right hand if my purse will turn fatter, hahaha.. anybody out there believe it too?

5. I am tone deaf. I can’t sing. Maybe the worst voice anyone would ever heard, maybe worse than hearing an old Ah Pek farting. Vitally serious, but sorry i do sing sometimes. Tahan jelah ye.. Kak Yana will be more than happy to agree with it too.

6. I love being in love. With the right person of course. What weird abut that? Because i continually will turn weird when i’m in love. Sincerely.

By the way, my bloggie is 3 years old now. Yippie..

Simply

We talked
we laughed
together.

I am still happy remembering every moment i spend with you. I am still able to look things that go wrong and laugh, because there are enough good things I share with you.

bonding with you,
thinking of you,
writing about you,
seeing you again
and again.

My contentment is like a disease. It takes me over and i go through periods of this absolute jubilation that doesn't go missing for anything. I don't know what causes it, but i'm happier now than i've been before, and that's all that matters.

for the same classic cause
I love you, the unplanned part in my life.

Thank you
anywho.

Through my goggles

I am in a really good mood to blog again. I've changed the lay out even i still dont think that this is the best, plus i didn’t manage to find ways to change the sidebars. My favourite section; 'Gurindam' cannot be added too.

A few days ago my boss asked me if i am concerned about taking an accountancy course, so that i could assist them in managerial tasks. He convinced me that i might find accountancy is quite easy as it only include the process of sums and numbers without including alphabet as much as chemistry does. I declined without reason, but it makes sense kan?

I am highly obsessed with beautiful words and enjoy making poems and haikus as much as i love pathophysiology and chemical bonding. I draw as side income, and make use both sides of my brain most of the time. So the puzzle begin, am i a scientist or an artist? or both? And i questioned myself why shouldn’t i do art studies when i think i am good at it? The riddle remains until today when i met an unfortunate event of art vs science.

How could there be toleration between 0 and 1 in art? I still didn’t get it.

For me art is subjective, has no limits, no totally right or wrong perspectives. It is a creation of creative mind and emotion. The evaluation of art is differ in every standard. Aside from science which determining the truth or finding objective fact through experimentation, hypothesis and theory which correspond with reality. No person's opinion of any connotation in comparison to an actual test of theory in deciding whether it is right or wrong. And the facts remind me of why science is still a priority for me. A scientist i am.

Happy.. happy..

Biar teratai
Andai tasik pun kering
Cinta bertaut

Saya dan Kepong

Beberapa hari lalu baru sahaja saya rasa gembira lepas meyakinkan boss yang saya kurang layak untuk menyelaras penyelidikan klinikal sejenis peptide ke atas pesakit kanser. Pengetahuan saya cetek, pengalaman pun tak banyak, saya beritahu dia. Dia angguk-angguk macam setuju. Proposal 25 mukasurat itu cuma cadangan saya, sebaiknya kalau dia dan pihak lembaga pengarah setuju, diusulkan pada orang yang lebih pakar, doktor paling bagus. Dia angguk-angguk lagi dan akhir sekali setuju terus cadangan tu.

Keesokan harinya, masa mesyuarat hampir berakhir, saya diusul satu cadangan, menyelaras penyelidikan lain di FRIM, Kepong mulai pertengahan Januari depan. Saya ternganga. Ahli mesyuarat yang lain angguk-angguk setuju. Saya seorang yang geleng-geleng kepala. Bila ditanya kenapa saya buat muka terkejut, saya tak reti menjawab selain mulut saya tersengih-sengih minta kesian. Kepong? Aduh.. jauh tu.

Sekarang kalau saya ke kilang cuma 17km seperjalanan, kalau ke HQ Ampang cuma 11km seperjalanan, tapi kalau Kepong? Aduh.. sakit kepala saya. Saya bukan orang yang tahan lasak setiap hari boleh memandu jauh-jauh macam tu, bukan juga orang yang sabar kalau kereta bergerak dari bumper ke bumper. Pernah dulu saya ulang-alik setiap hari 126km Shah Alam-Batang Berjuntai selama 2 bulan, dan kemudian 82km Ampang-Shah Alam pula 5 bulan. Tapi Kepong? Aduh.. Akhir meeting, keputusan dibuat, semua orang setuju kecuali saya. Kepong? Saya tepuk dahi.

Masuk sahaja kereta saya terus memandu ke rumah, tujuan saya nak ke rumah, tapi otak saya sudah masuk highway pusing dekat Pandan menuju ke Kepong. Kepong? Aduh.. saya tepuk dahi lagi. Sudah sampai di rumah, saya pasang radio kuat-kuat, biarkan suara seksi Michael Buble menyanyi-nanyi lagu “Save the Last Dance For Me” dan saya menurut iramanya dengan gerak tari lintang pukang. Lepas saya tergedik-gedik menari-nari ke bilik-dapur-ruang tamu sambil makan ais-krim, saya teringat jugak Kepong. Kepong? aduh.. saya tepuk dahi lagi, kali ni ada sisa ais-krim melekat kat dahi.

Suffian menalifon saya entah apa kehendaknya, saya terus membebel-bebel tantang saya dan Kepong, Suffian kata tak apalah, ikut highway kan dekat. Dia tak kesiankan saya yang malas memandu jauh-jauh ni, nak dibandingkan dengan dia yang sudah 8 tahun lebih ulang alik Setapak-Bangsar. Saya tepuk dahi lagi. Kalau Suffian ada dekat dengan saya kali itu entah-entah saya tepuk dahi dia. Saya baring tengah-tengah rumah, memandang kipas siling, mengenangkan tentang saya dan Kepong.

Sekarang saya dilemma, mahu pindah rumah lagi atau ulang-alik Cheras-Kepong? Kata orang tukar pasangan macam tukar pakaian, tapi saya pindah rumah macam tukar pakaian. Selama 4 tahun lebih bekerja sambil membujang dengan cuma sekali tukar kerja, saya sudah tukar 5 buah rumah sewa! Dilemma saya...

Kosong

Ada satu ruang kosong
Antara aku dan hati aku
Antara sedar dan mimpi aku
Antara jasad dan ruh aku
Antara dunia dan diri aku
Antara hitam dan putih aku.

Ada banyak ruang kosong
Antara dia dan aku.

Iye ke..?

No posting for Ramadhan.

No posting for Hari Raya.

But there is something else i care so much lately. It has came to my knowledge that i can bruise easily, from the fact that i have fragile capillaries under my skin. Even it is quite obvious that i intentionally keeping my BMI at 23 so that i could have extra fatty coushion to protect myself, it didn't work so well. I keep on and on having bruises one after another.

Well, one fine day when i was enjoying hari raya at my hometown, an old makcik saw a purplish dot on upper side of my ankle. She said i was bitten by a 'pelesit' (cricket). She told me it is an evil spirit that usually carried off in the insect and not all are evil. This spirit is usually sent off to another person as an evil mean to the victim. She suggested to catch the 'pelesit' and separate its head from its body.I actually had heard them few times but i still don't think it is true. My mom once shown me how a 'pelesit' looks like, and i think it is beautiful.

I am just like any other people who believes in ghosts and evil spirit, i even enjoy watching spooky movies. It hasn't been all that long since i didn't have to worry about being put under observation for some shoddy application of scientific instrumentation and techniques for my blood clotting problems. And now should i worry about something i didn't really believe in? You know what ghost i believe? I believe in hantu raya kecik yang salam and come to the house few times just to get duit more raya. Yang tu i totally percaya. *wink*

And i believe in you dear.

Kids today..

Jong jong inai
Mak ipong rajawali
Sepak tunggul inai
Berdarah ibu kaki
Semangkuk jerluk
Sepinggan dagang
Tak cukup pulut
Tambah nasi dagang

p/s: what is jerluk and ipong anyway?

It was the other day when a little girl approched me next to my car. I had just went out for lunch and was not aware of her presence. She wore a white t-shirt and dark-blue pants, holding an empty cup of ice-cream. "Where are you from kakak?" she asked. "Lunch", i said. I had a bad feeling about her, but what the heck talking to a little girl kan?

Little girl : I dont have any money
Me : How come?
Little girl : My mum didn't give me
Me : Why?
Little girl : She is broke. We are poor anyway
Me : Where are you staying
Little girl : That building (pointing to a condo next to mine)
Me : That buidling is not for poor people you know... Are you hungry?
Little girl : Yes
Me : Lets go to my house, i cooked macaroni and potato salad for breakfast. It's superb you know. I bet you would want more
Little girl : I want money
Me: I cant give you that
Little girl : You are cruel
Me : You said you are hungry and i am happy to serve some meal for you, is that make me cruel?
Little girl : I just want some money
Me : You just had an ice-cream. I dont think you get it for free kan?

I left the girl after that, wondering how long she has been bugging people for money. So, to make the story short, the next thing i knew when i attended my car in the evening, there were some scraches i didn't noticed before. I dont want to blame the girl straight away, but i am pretty sure that the only possible thing happen is she doing it. Mad. Angry. This girl, if she is the one responsible, will be spank 10 times with my own hand, i swear.

Wake me up when September ends

To be honest, i wanted so much to feel beautiful and special again. To know that there are so much thing for me to feel happy about. That's it. That's all i want for now.

Mixed

The meeting finished early. Thought of going straight home when suddenly an Indian guy asked me for 1 ringgit change. Yes, i did him the favour then rushed to the main entrance and got out as quickly as possible, hoping that the guy will understood i was not fond of further conversation.

I was about to run to my car parked next to the building when i noticed his existence. He looked as gorgeous as always. Surprised, shocked. I stood still. He looked at me in a furious way. I smiled nervously, i could see his hesitation and affection. Probably he wanted some response. I closed my eyes for a few second, hoping that it was just my imagination. Still, he was there.

Would he know that i have been dying to touch his perfections with my bare hands from the first time i know him? I would certainly love to feel him, to really feel him.

He stepped closer to me. He stood at full height in front of me and slowly outlined my face. It was really cold outside but i could felt nothing than his touch. I smiled and closed my eyes firmly. I wanted so much to compliment, yet i would not know what to say. He was very relaxed, trapping me between the wall. An intense moment filled the thin space between us. I was wishing for polite words to justify my happiness. But none, not a single vocab made it to the rescue. I felt strange yet mounted with fear and excitement.

I drew myself closer to him, to finally feel his presence. He make his response more than i had imagined. Me and him. It was a moment of joy moving and caresing at every inch of my body. And when everything has been done, he is still that same beautiful being i fell in love with, and with that, i shall keep this in my mind.

So, there i was, next to my car, laughing intensely and soaking wet in the rain. I should do it more often, like i used to do in my toddler's years. Such delight i could never imagine vanishing. Have you ever imagine how many times we met the same raindrop? and how long it takes untill we meet him back? Mr. Rain and me.

___________________________

As the word no longer speaks
and the voice has mute
let our joy be doubled
let our sorrow and fear be shared
for even in the end
we are two different persons
of two different endings.

Happy Birthday.
___________________________

Lost

Veered
too far off the path
no definite idea
not worth saying
not even know if someone is listening
millions of someone
here and away
those melancholic melodies
have never stop singing
from afar.

Hurt, misunderstood, manipulated
too vulnarable, too raw, too exposed.

Indeed
i remember the sweet smell
the pleasant smile
and the beautiful eyes
alive and serene
perhaps
it is best for me
to keep that in mind.

Always.

Ampun

Mencari hikmah
Sepasak nikmat
Selari garis neraka
Melingkar wajah insaf
Keruh menginjak fitrah
Dalam kesedaran
Sedetik masa

Mencari hikmah
Dalam selaut dosa..

A little about footie

England area through to the quarter final round, which is really a miracale. They won the games thus far but with nothing less than a boring game. I am expecting a perfect match with perfect passes, convincing shots, respectfull defending, amazing scores, but they seems to be lack of something. Lampard is not happy. Gerarrad is not consistent. I donno what they're missing tho!

They'll meet the Portugese at quarter final, and remember Euro 2004 , so i hope it is a payback time, and time to kick ass!

Liar Liar

Hari ni saya dengan rasa sangat bodohnya telah tertangkap kerana menipu. I am not a good liar. Then, orang yang saya cuba tipu biasanya tahu yang saya menipu. Kronologinya begini; saya diminta untuk menyiapkan satu kertas kerja untuk seorang professor sebelum hujung minggu lepas. Almaklum kemalasan yang teramat sangat, saya lewat.

Jadi hendak dijadikan cerita, professor ini yang baru sahaja balik dari luar negara terus sahaja berjumpa saya. Katanya dia masih lagi jet leg, baru sahaja sampai ke Malaysia, belum pun sempat ke pejabat. Katanya lagi dia mahu terus pulang ke rumah. Bila ditanya mengapa dia tak terima kertas kerja itu sebelum ke luar negara, saya menjawab "sorry, saya baru hantar semalam" dengan penuh yakin.

Saya sebenarnya masih belum lagi menghantarnya, dan sangka saya, sempatlah malam ini saya bersusah payah, berhempas pulas, bekerja keras menyiapkannya dan awal pagi esok, akan saya hantar dulu sebelum ke makmal. Dia tanya saya lagi "betul hantar semalam?" Saya pun angguk-angguk dengan kuat. "Betul! esok jelah prof ambil" Dari muka berkerut, dia tersenyum simpul.

"Betul-betul hantar semalam?" dia tanya lagi. Dan kali ni saya angguk makin kuat. Dan masa saya mengangguk-angguk itulah dia kata "semalam hari ahad" Dia ketawa kuat dan kata "Tipu!" Aduh, dan kali itu saya pula senyum kelat.

Saya ingat lagi kali pertama saya menipu. Masa itu umur saya 6 tahun. Di tadika, saya punya seorang pesaing yang mantap; sama pandai dan sama popular. Syahrin namanya. Saya memang gila kuasa, semuanya hendak berebut dengan dia. Tapi bila saya dipilih untuk mengetuai bacaan Al-Quran setiap pagi Jumaat dan menjadi ketua senamrobik, saya rasa saya sudah menang besar.

Satu hari yang mulia, hari Isnin, saya masih ingat, Syahrin tak hadir ke sekolah. Lagi saya rasa saya makin menang sebab saya tak pernah ponteng. Esoknya, Syahrin yang masih lagi selesema tanya pada saya apa yang kami belajar semalam. Saya tipu dan katakan yang kami belajar lagu baru. Saya mula menyanyi "ada sebuah pondok di tengah sawah padi, matahari bersinar petani pun penat.." Not lagu lintang pukang. Saya sendiri tahu lagu itu tak menarik. Untuk menambahkan sakit hati Syahrin, saya katakan "lagu tu cikgu tak ajar dah hari lain, semalam je" Saya senyum lebar. Syahrin mengeluh panjang. Dan saya menang lagi.

Itulah kali pertama saya menipu, dan ada juga banyak kali lagi saya buat cerita dongeng bila rasa terusik. Oh, minta maaflah kepada sesiapa yang saya pernah tipu. Dan saya rasa orang pun memang tahu saya menipu. Kecuali kalau saya memuji dengan perkataan "best, cantik, baik", sungguh saya tak tipu! Agaknya kalau Syahrin tak percayakan saya waktu itu mesti saya berhenti menipu. Semuanya salah Syahrin.. hehehe..

Re-exodus

It has been a week today, as i moved away from my 2nd best home on planet earth; Shah Alam. I've been there since 2002. The first place i learnt to be independent. The place i got my first salary, first car, first rented home and the very first time i've been "kissed by an angle" :) .Even that it is not a great distance pun, and i still have to deal with work there, it is quite a source of stress, particularly with the road pattern; traffic jams is anywhere and anytime. I didn't really moved and yet feel at home straight away. Despite being gleefully joyed with staying with my sister, i still miss Shah Alam so much. I mean SO MUCH!

But nevertheless, ke mana pun saya pergi, saya sentiasa bawa Dia bersama, dan di situlah rumah saya, bersama Dia. Dan itulah yang saya selalu nak katakan pada-Nya. Wamakaru wamakarallah, innallahu khairul makirin...

A week to go

Aku tak bisa luluhkan hatimu
Dan aku tak bisa menyentuh cintamu
Seiring jejak kakiku bergetar
Aku telah terpagut oleh cintamu
Menelusup hariku dengan harapan
Namun kau masih terdiam membisu
Sepenuhnya aku ingin memelukmu
Mendakap penuh harapan untuk mencintaimu
Setulusnya aku akan terus menunggu
Menanti sebuah jawaban untuk memilikimu
Betapa derunya rindu menusuk jiwaku
Semoga kau tahu isi hatiku
Dan seiring waktu yang terus berputar
Aku masih terhanyut dalam mimpiku.

Nanti aku ceritakan semuanya, segalanya, seluruhnya, sepenuhnya, tak ada batas selindung. Nanti aku mengaku apa yang aku simpan. Nanti. Kau cuma perlu tunggu.

Hari ni macam biasa..

Hari ni macam biasa, saya bangun pagi. Tapi hari ni awal sikit, 5:00 am saya dah terjaga dan tak mahu tertidur balik. Saya check hand phone ada beberapa text, tapi biasanya tak macam tu. Saya buat apa yang patut, dan apa yang saya biasa buat. Tapi kali ni saya lipat kain, yang saya jarang-jarang buat waktu awal pagi.

Hari ni macam biasa, saya bersiap ala kadar nak pergi kerja. Sebenarnya saya nak cuti hari ni, tapi Prof minta saya datang, ada sikit kerja nak buat. Seminar dia pukul 11:00 am, tapi paperwork dia kena betulkan sikit. Saya buat pembetulan dan buat fotokopi yang macam dia mintak, dan siap pukul 10:00 am.

Hari ni saya walaupun ingat nak cuti, kena pergi office kat Ampang, jumpa CEO. Saya sampai sana lepas lunch. Tiba-tiba dia minta saya buat sikit presentation tentang research saya. Saya cerita serba sikit. Sebab selain CEO, ada ahli lembaga yang lain, saya ditanya itu ini. Saya nak terangkan research saya bukan main punya payah. Serupa mengajar, sebab kebanyakan ahli lembaga bukan dari back ground sains.

Sampai kat Shah Alam, sudahpun pukul 5:00 pm. Saya isytihar pada prof, hari ni saya tak jadi cuti. Hari ni macam biasa, saya kehulu kehilir terangkan pasal research saya. Sebenarnya saya betul-betul hendak cuti hari ni. Saya nak tengok wayang, nak shopping, nak relax-relax kat rumah, nak jogging petang-petang, tapi semuanya tak jadi.. hari ni macam biasa.

Hari ni jadi hari yang terlalu biasa, tak istimewa pun. Macam tahun lepas, dan tahun-tahun sebelumnya. Patutnya saya boleh buat apa saja hari ni. Sebab hari ni hari saya, hari hari lahir saya. Happy Birthday saya!!! Happy birthday jugak buat Atiqah, Hafez & Najib.

In need of a hug

Fly me to the moon
And let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars
In other words hold my hand
In other words darling kiss me

Fill my life with song
And let me sing forevermore
You are all I hope for
All I worship and adore
In other words please be true
In other words I love you.

*The picture was taken by myself :)

Nano World

"Little knowledge estranges man from God, science brings him back"

~Sir Francis Bacon

What is nano-world? Everything is nano now, nano-materials and nano-technology. Many are wondering what is it? Most important is it's effect on us. It is simply a world dealing with anything, matter and anti-matter that is by the scale 1/1,000,000,000 of 1m (meter). Can you imagine such situation?

Everything, which is exist now is reduced to such a size, yet assuming they are still functioning through some might be affected by such an effect of miniaturization. Imagine, something, which you are able to see suddenly, vanishes into the thin air. It becomes invisible. Or simply a ghost or a spirit, still exist but no longer seen or felt. A real world transforms into a relatively virtual world.

Do you realize that whatever we see now are those you are able to see with your naked eyes or thise you see with something capable of capturing and magnifying to your scale. For example, a magnifying glass magnifies an object up to 10x while a tunneling microscope to 1,000,000,000x. What about those, which are smaller? They exist and functional yet still unknown because we are unable to detect or we do not have the capability of doing so. Does it mean they do not exist? Is this the way the saying "seeing is believing"?

As time goes by and with better understanding, innovation and so forth, a day will come when things will be different. Many so called myth and infinite might be real and finite. The meaning of infinitely small is no longer confined to infinity, but beyond our mean or imagination now. Actually such a concept is nothing new. Suddenly the so-called theories will no longer be, even contradicts. However, the truth is still the same, but the current truth might not be so if they are not the truth yet. It is our obligation to seek the truth, albeit it might hurt.

The world of materials; organic, inorganic, naturally occuring or man-made will be different, but most importantly they must be smart, intelligent, more functional than now because we are able to understand and control since their begining or when they are at the smallest stage. Imagine a situation where you are able to replace your aging organs, able to grow your desirable fruits or simply able to fulfill your current wishful dreams.

Atok

Kalau Sultan Melaka berkehendakkan aku, adalah peminangannya satu jambatan emas dan satu jambatan perak dari Gunung Ledang ke Melaka, kuman tujuh dulang, hati nyamuk tujuh dulang, air mata anak dara setempayan, darah anakandanya semangkuk… hmm, apa lagi tok?

"Kasih sayang dan ikrar setia". Aku senyum, atok pun senyum. Kalaulah ada Sultan Melaka…

Sudah lama aku tak merasai cuti yang panjang yang riang. Cuti Chinese New Year dan Maal Hijrah kali ini baru betul-betul rasa meriah. Paling seronok sebab kali ini atok dan family pak long ada bersama. Atok yang keuzurannya selalu membataskan aktiviti kami, kali ini ikut sama bercuti. Walau tak pernah tinggal inhalernya, atok selalu senyum dan buat kami ketawa.

Paling biasa kalau atok ada, mesti tonton cerita lama-lama. Zaman atok muda-muda dulu. Kali ni atok pilih cerita Sarjan Hassan & Pendekar Bujang Lapuk. Bila tiba scene favorite, semuanya sama-sama ikut skrip; “gua tukar nama jadi Ahmad Ah Leng bin Abdul Lolah”, “fil fadang fasiru, ta’adudil fokok kayuil”. Lepas tu kami ketawa sama-sama.

Atok kata atok rasa muda kalau tengok cerita lama-lama.

Dalam kereta, memang aku paling suka nyanyi lagu kuat-kuat. Adik pun suka ikut sama. Biar pitching lari, biar tempo berterabur, biar lirik pun tak ingat, kami tetap suka nyanyi kuat-kuat, kadang-kadang lagi kuat dari bunyi radio. Bila atok ada jugak dalam kereta, tiba-tiba atok bunyikan “tong, tong, tong” kuat-kuat dengan mulut dia. Atok kata atok tak tahu nyanyi lagu tu, jadi atok nak jadi bunyi drum je. Kami ketawa sama-sama. Lepas tu atok nyanyi lagu yang kami pulak tak tahu. Aku perlahankan suara radio, nak dengar suara atok nyanyi. Atok kata itu lagu famous masa atok muda dulu, tapi kami tak tahu.

Atok kata atok rasa muda kalau nyanyi lagu tu.

Ameen, baru umur 10 tahun, memang lasak budaknya. Di rumah aku, dia nak main ‘lawan-lawan’ dengan aku. Tumbuk dan tendang main-main, siapa jatuh dia yang kalah. Ameen tarik kaki aku, tapi aku tak jatuh, tak juga boleh buat-buat jatuh, sebab aku lagi besar dari dia, lagi berat, jadi aku tak jatuh dan tak kalah. Ameen tumbuk lagi, aku mengelak. Habis semua silat dia keluarkan. Akhir sekali aku tolak pelipat lutut dia dan dia terbaring, aku dah menang. Aku duduk atas dia, buat muka juara. Atok tengok kami lawan. Atok kata “tolak dia lagi Ameen, pusingkan kaki dia”. Atok juara silat dulu, sebab moyang kami memang guru silat.

Atok kata atok rasa muda kalau mula bersilat lagi.

Dan kali terakhir itu, sebelum salam tangan atok, atok pesan suruh jaga diri baik-baik, kerja betul-betul, jaga keluarga dan cari suami yang baik. Atok kata atok nak timang cicit sebelum tutup mata, aku kata atok mengada-ngada. Tak tahu kenapa kali itu hati rasa sangat sayu. Aku cium tangan atok lama-lama. Aku kata aku sayang atok, atok kata dia tahu. Kami senyum sama-sama.

Atok kata dia dah tua.

Wishes

Ewan : Which one is better on me Lun, a walking stick or a crutch?
Me : Walking stick, if you want to look like Charlie Chaplin.
Ewan : ..but i want to look like Gandhi!

* Ewan who called me MNG for Miss Nice Girl, picking up some equipment for his broken ankle. I am so sorry dude, get well soon ok! I am still Miss Nice Girl, i hope! (",) ..and please be GOOD! *wink*

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breath?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

Anything But Ordinary -Avril Lavigne

Life is suffering

Working won three quarter of those, or maybe a whole of that. The pain herein presented forces and struggle, for the most part, to remain paid every month, to live better, to achieve something, to be somebody, to eat and to feed, and mostly to get blessing from God. Work is a series of problems. Do we want to moan about them or solve them? Moan first, then solve. *big grin*

I found my current job as a Research Officer is quite a tough piece of work. Thus, I am hired as a RO for my company, suppose to be spending my time figuring out how I ought to broaden the product quality and quantity, get to the bottom of some production problems, thinking of some new method which have less surveillance and man capacity and continuously striving the company’s achievement so far. I am ok with that but, on the awful side, I am working all alone. Carrying tones of responsibilities by my ownself is not amusing at all.

So, lepaking at my new found favorite spot whenever I can is most pleasurable. It is sited on top of a hill where I can see Shah Alam in whole; the mosque, High Court, Concorde Hotel, Plaza Masalam et cetera. Sure it is not like the feeling of two weeks vacation that takes me far away from the city and out of the reach of work, but the point is relaxation, not luxury.

And yesterday, on top of the hill, I learnt a new thing: postman still deliver letter 6:30 pm. Kesian… Moral of the story: bersyukurlah dapat jadi RO than a postman!

I am

I am down with frustration. Have you ever believe on someone so badly; telling them whatever crosses your mind, wishpering your secrets, but in the end they reveal to the whole world about it. Yeah.. it really hurts! Ouchsss! I shouldn't believe that innocent face.

I am demotivated. Demoralized. Work is not helping, so much thing to think, yet so little grey matter work intensely. I sit 1 hour minimum everyday to figure out what am i doing and realize that i did nothing.

Am looking for a vacation.
Am waiting for fresher air.
Am wanting to make lot of haikus!

Speak

How could i best knowing you
So that no significant thought will be missing
Definite thing shall always remembered
and not forgotten.

Belati sukma
Melarik merah rindu
Guruh merusuh.

A new leaf

Hello everybody.. ada orait ka?

I am good. Really. Cuma ketaktahuanarah setiap kali nak menulis. Bila nak menulis ada saja halangan. Anak menangis mintak susu. Kalau tidak pun lampin penyerapan bergandanya dah lencun dek air hancing warna kuning. Kalau tidak pun anak ajak main. Kalau tidak pun bapaknya pulak bising mintak makan. Oh, tapi ini cuma penipuan semata-mata. Tak ada anak nangis, tak ada bapaknya yang lapar.

Sebenarnya, memang sudah kering idea nak menulis. Dari menulis perkara remeh-temeh dan bukan-bukan, baik dibiarkan saja kosong, tak ada tulisan. Tapi ada yang bising suruh tulis apa-apa. Dia letakkan blog ini macam indicator, kalau tak menulis, penulisnya mungkin dah kembali ke alam baqa'.. tapi helah kau MT, memang menjadi. Aku pun jadi takut, takut-takut kalau ada orang dah baca tahlil untuk aku, hehe..

Dan ada seorang lagi pun bertanya kenapa aku tak menulis lagi di sini, aku pun jawab tak ada idea, kalau ada pun mungkin cuma cerita pasal kita. Dia kata nanti jadi blog untuk adults pulak. Adults! heheh.. Aku kan dah adults kan? haha.. Tapi itulah, aku still tak tahu nak tulis menulis apa, harapnya lepas post yang ini dapatlah aku menulis lagi. Cerita karut marut, merapu meraban lagi. (tapi antara kita bukan karut, merapu..)

* Kepala masih sakit lagi Kak M, kehilangan anak akak masih lagi memberati otak saya.
** Terima kasih kiriman buku, Fendi! Nanti aku pulangkan sebagai hantaran :)
*** Selamat pengantin baru Suhana, Liza, Wahida, Shahida, Fikri.
**** dan terakhir sekali for you S, thank you so much, for everything. You mean a lot in my life.

Thoughts

Here's some thoughts and stuffs i've learnt this week:

1) If i donno what to do, DONT DO ANYTHING. Step back and relax. Let time decide what will happen next.

2) If i regret of doing something, CRY HARD! It is the best cure of all time.

3) There is still at least ONE PERSON who wants to see me smile.

4) If my father says "come home", DO COME HOME. Or i'll lost / miss place another RM400 of my newly withdraw cash when i stomp out of the bank, pissing of my dad who cant stop pestering me to come home (darn, still cant find it!)

5) Ramadhan is near. GET READY and try to be a good muslim. Repent of all sins.

6) Dont ever forget SUFFIAN'S BIRTHDAY. Driving at 7:30am on Sunday morning to meet him without handling him his becoming birthday present is so stupid.

7) It's October again and "LET ME FALL" (by Bethany Joy Lenz)

It's October again
Leaves are coming down
One more year's come and gone
And nothing's changed at all
Wasn't I supposed to be someone
Who can face the things that I've been running from...?

Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown
Let me fall, even if I hit the ground
And if I...
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived, just a little...

I've become much too good at being invincible
I'm an expert at play it safe, and keep it cool
But I swear this isn't who I'm meant to be
I refuse to let my life roll all over me...

I wanna be somebody
I, I wanna be somebody
I wanna be somebody
I, I wanna be somebody who can face the things that I've been running from..

Incomplete

Seems like this blog has been a monthly dossage for me. My current life has been a hard game. It is as if someone has given me a jigsaw puzzle and removed some pieces of it, and still expects me to form the coherent whole.

Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you within me I can't find no rest
Where I'm going is anybody's guess

I try to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby, it's written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake

I don't mean to drag it on,
But I can't seem to let you go
I don't wanna make you face this world alone
I wanna let you go (alone)

My News At-work

Tak perlu betulkan tempat duduk anda. Ya, betul. Blog ini masih lagi bernyawa, masih lagi hidup, sehidup tuan yang empunyanya.

Mulai bulan lalu saya terpaksa memandu 64km setiap pagi ke tempat kerja. Biasanya akan mengambil masa selama 45 minit ke satu jam, bergantung pada laluan trafik waktu itu. Seawal 7:00 pagi sudah mula memanas enjin kereta dan vroom.. ke tempat kerja.

Satu yang buat saya selalu sakit jiwa adalah kerana dalam perjalanan itu saya takkan sunyi dengan lori-lori hantu dan toyol yang membawa muatan pasir dan batu kerikil. Sungguh kasihan kereta saya, sekali-sekala terkena juga batu kerikil yang berhamburan dari lori yang lajunya mengalahkan Barrichello. Sungguh saya sakit jiwa, rasa mahu mati. Sekali lori-lori hantu dan toyol ini berlalu, terus-terusan berkumpulan. Sudahlah jalannya macam ular kena palu!

Kalau lori-lori hantu dan toyol ini buat saya rasa mahu mati, kalau si backhoe ada di depan pula buat saya mahu bunuh diri. Bayangkan saya cuma boleh bergerak 20km sejam! Paling indah nian bila si backhoe Quasibodoh ini juga jalan bergroup-groupan. Saya rasa malu pada biawak dan monyet di sepanjang jalan!

Senario yang sama saya akan hadapi juga dalam perjalanan pulang. Sungguh 128km yang sangat menyeksakan. Sampai sahaja di rumah, biasanya hari sudah pun beransur malam. Perut sudah mula menyanyi minta diisi, dan sudahnya pukul 10 malam mata sudah layu keletihan. Esoknya pukul 5:30 pagi sudah mahu bersedia lagi untuk perjalanan saya yang kejam. Internet, blogspot, e-sastera dan e-mail sudah pun hilang taringnya.

Walau bukan sepenuhnya kerana perjalanan ke tempat kerja, saya terlalu ingin sekali berhenti kerja. Cari kerja lain. Mahu tinggalkan kerja yang saya telah buat lebih 3 tahun ini. Mahu buat kerja yang lain. Kawan saya kata saya sudah gila. Mahu cari kerja lain walau kerja sekarang sudah boleh menjamin hidup sampai pencen. Tapi saya masih mahu cari kerja lain, yang lebih saya jiwai (cehhh.. piiirah!). Sesiapa boleh bagi saya kerja kosong? Gaji boleh runding. Cukup makan, pakai, sewa rumah dan ansuran kereta sudahlah. Kerja jadi housewife ke? Hahahha...

Space

I really wanted to say something.. but i dont know what.













It's better to leave this 'something' unspoken.

MAYBE!

Perihal En. Demam

Dah lama blog ni senyap sunyi tak terupdate rupanya. Blog siapalah ni? hehehe..

Tiga - empat hari yang lalu En. Demam datang menjenguk saya lagi, dan sempena kedatangannya itu, saya terpaksa cuti beberapa hari. Bukan macam kedatangan yg lepas, kali ini dia tak bawa En. Batuk dan Cik Selesema sekali, yang dia bawa cuma En. Tonsilitis. Saya rasa En. Ton ini lagi buruk perangainya dari En. Batuk dan Cik Selesema. Saya amat meradang dengan En. Ton sampai suara saya pun dah macam rock star.

Saya bukannya apa, kalau dulu-dulu En. Demam datang mungkin bukan satu kesukaran bagi saya, tapi sekarang setelah saya dewasa, saya dah amat tak suka dengan En. Demam lagi. Dulu, kalau En. Demam datang dan pada masa itu mak ayah saya ada, saya sangat suka. Kalau saya nak sup, mak saya buatkan, kalau saya nak jeli, mak saya belikan, kalau saya nak suap, mak saya suapkan. Ayah saya pulak, akan duduk sebelah saya. Dia urutkan kaki saya, urutkan tangan saya, urutkan kepala saya, sampai tertidur. Kalau saya yang tertidur, dia berhentilah. Tapi kalau dia yang tertidur, saya gerakkan badan saya supaya dia terjaga dah urut badan saya semula.

Kadang-kadang kalau En. Demam datang, dia bawa sekali Pn. Muntah. Dalam keluarga saya, memang Pn. Muntah suka sekali dengan saya, tapi saya tak suka dia. Kakak dan adik saya selalu gaduh-gaduh siapa yang kena basuh kalau saya termuntah atas tilam, atas cadar, atas selimut. Saya tak sengaja, saya tak tahan. Kalau mak ayah saya tak ada, kakak saya suka suruh saya duduk dekat dengan tingkap bilik atau dekat dengan toilet, nanti dia tak payahlah nak gaduh-gaduh dengan adik siapa yang nak kena basuh.

Dulu kalau En. Demam datang, mak ayah saya bawa saya ke klinik, kena cucuk sekali kat punggung dan doktor bagi ubat warna warni. Saya suka ubat yang Dr. Fakharuddin bagi, manis macam gula-gula, tak macam ubat Dr. Nagiah, tak sedap, pahit, kelat, yuckk! Ubat Dr. Nagiah selalunya saya buang ke tingkap je. Tapi ada satu masa tu mak saya perasan, terus dia marah saya. Dia membebel kata "macam mana nak sihat kalau tak nak makan ubat?". Dia tak tahu saya memang tak nak baik sebab tak payah pegi sekolah dah dapat kena urut dengan ayah. Lepas tu saya tukar taktik, saya sorokkan ubat bawah tilam. Bila saya sihat nanti saya buanglah!

Satu lagi yang seronoknya kalau En. Demam datang dulu-dulu, atuk saya kadang-kadang datnag melawat. Atuk saya pandai mengubat saya. Dia pun pandai mengubat orang lain, tak hairanlah! Dia bukan bagi ubat macam Dr. Fakharuddin atau Dr. Nagiah, dia cuma buatkan air yang dia dah baca-baca lepas sembahyang. Kalau dia tak dapat datang pun, mak akan bagi saya kain pelikat atuk. Nanti saya peluk-peluk kain tu, letak atas kepala, buat selimut. Kakak dan adik saya kalau dilawati En. Demam pun guna kain pelikat atuk. Sekarang saya pun tak tahu kat mana mak simpan kain pelikat atuk. Nanti kejap lagi saya tanya dia.

Sekarang, masa mengetuk key-board ni, suhu badan saya (seperti ditunjukkan thermometer) masih lagi 37.8 darjah Celcius. En. Demam belum betul-betul pergi lagi. Oklah, saya nak tidur di surau!

Pathetic

Aku rasa nak menangis sekarang. Aku nak menjerit. Aku nak baring atas rumput hijau dan melihat bintang berkerlipan di dada langit malam. Aku nak lari, jauh dari sini.

Pathetic.

Kalau engkau dengar apa yang aku rintihkan sekarang, engkau fahamkah? Engkau ambil kisahkah? Engkau pedulikah? Kalau engkau sempat dengar butir bicara aku sebelum gagang kau letakkan, engkau ambil pusingkah?

Pathetic.

Sungguh memalukan perkara ini untuk makhluk seusia aku. Jurnal yang tak bersalah ini jadi gelanggang aku menyepah kata duka aku pada engkau. Semua orang baca dan tahu. Engkau tak. Kalau pun engkau baca dan tahu, engkau mahu ambil pusingkah?

Selalu aku kata dan kotakan yang kau takkan seorang dalam segala apa keadaan pun. Dan kerana janji itu, aku bersedia dari segala hal, dalam setiap masa, di mana pun juga untuk engkau. Dan kerana janji itu juga, separuh hidup aku hampir semuanya untuk engkau. Engkau ambil pusingkah?

Pathetic.

Dan bila kesumat itu datang sekali sekala, aku terlalu ingin nak jadi manusia kejam untuk engkau. Aku teramat sangat ingin melihat engkau menangis seorang, merajuk seorang dan bersedih dengan diri engkau sahaja. Tapi aku tak mampu. Kerana janji itu.

Pathetic.

Engkau tak ambil pusing kan? Dan mungkin juga perasaan ini datang sebab aku kurang baca Al-Quran.. Harap akulah.

Prolog setengah tahun

Sedar tak sedar, tahun 2005 sudah tinggal separuh. Kalau main bola sepak, separuh masa pertama cuma dihabiskan untuk membasahkan baju. Separuh masa ke dua baru pulun habis-habisan, mati-matian. Tak ada injury time, tak ada penalty kick. Aku belum berjaya jaringkan gol; ada defender yang bagus, goal keeper tinggi lampai, lawan yang kuat mengasak.

Sayangnya aku tak perasan rupanya aku main sorang diri dalam permainan ni.

Sekarang bukan masanya nak menangguh-nangguh perkara kebajikan, bukan masanya nak melengah-lengahkan kebaikan, bukan masanya nak bermalas-malasan. Tak boleh lagi merasa dengan otak dan berfikir dengan hati. Bukan juga masanya nak meletak ilham jiwa di kepala lutut. Bosan dan fed-up juga tak boleh digunakan sebagai kata harian.

Sayangnya aku tak perasan rupanya.. rupanya.. resam minyak tetap minyak, resam air tetap air.

Epitaph

A quiet room. Dark. Light shaped by some strikes outside. Stinging and hurting my sight. I didn’t move an inch. Not from the second i came to the window. It was very dark in and out the frozen window.

The window was unlocked, faintly ajar. The curtains waived raucously. Huge heavy plunks of rain drops rushed in. I watched the rain behind the frozen window. It was a crazy storm outside. Lightning strokes and brawled and paused. There was a bird lodged by the window for some shed.

I pulled the window hard. It closed eventually. I checked the room in a glance. Emphatically didn’t miss a thing. The tv set. The crowded table. The wet carpet. The darkness. The silence.

I was all alone in my apartment. A total absence of everything. No human being. No affection. And i was afraid penetrated to the emptiness of life just like this. I could feel the fears collided toward me. Drawing nearer every moment. That so many dark sorrows came bustling through all directions. I stood still.

I fear being alone and left unnoticed. As like only death can do this. Die and rot. Rot and vanish. I fear independency and fragility. I fear being invisible to the world. And that nobody sees me for real. Nobody wants me. Nobody needs me. I fear loneliness a lot.

And now, if that stormy day comes and i could hear your soothing voice asking me again. Of what the most terrifying thing i won’t be attend to, it would be this loneliness. Created by the silence and stillness of being alone. Of being with nobody mentally and physically. Of the wide width between me and the outer world.

And if we can go back to the storm and you ask me the same question again. I would say that i fear losing you. Even that i did loose you subsequently. You did fade away before that storm stoped.

Hello, i'm Muadz

Isn't he cute? Notice his Einsteinish look! Meminjam gambar anak Kak Fathean buat penyeri bloggie. Ini haiku untuk Muadz sayang, auntie loves you!

Kudup berkembang
Berseri senyum manja
Si comel girang

Unforgettable Istanpool

Why Liverpool should win the game:

1) Look what they did to Chelsea. Why not Milan.
2) They can't defend the trophy for the next season.
3) The team's development in Champions League doing fine, even better than all other top sides.
4) Rafa and Stevie G is just superb for the cup.
5) No serious injuries to the players. The tops are in the game.
6) The trophy should be home after some decades.
7) I want it that way. hehe..

Bottomline: THEY DID IT! Yaaayyy!!

Wouldn't it be nice?

Aboutastro gave me this:

Now on Wednesday lectures can turn people off and you yourself are not in the mood to have others tell you what is right or wrong with your world. Try focusing instead on creating a romantic relationship with someone who is very important to you at this time. This is an ideal time to heal a relationship or start a new one with amazing joy. Venus interacts with Mars to bring passion and pleasure to your day and the current Lunar Phase adds a little spice with a dose of mystery.

I wish it would be that easy, hehe. Listenting to this at the moment.

Skin issue

Dear Dr. Jen How

I have no idea of what caused it, but i tend to get bloody lazy feeling of going to the clinic. I'm not phobic. Hyper-chondriac, maybe!

I had been diagnosed of having contact dermatitis few years back, but for almost a month now, i have really (at least to me) strange skin issues. I have mild red spots on my face, itching and burning sensation especially on the cheeks. I thought it is the same dermatitis, so i am giving myself a topical treatments that i've used before; Corticosteroids - Hydrocortisone cream 1.0%. Since then a multitude of things that I was never allergic to before, make my skin react. From mild itching and burning, it become painful.

So, my second thought said that there is a possibility all of this being a fungal infection since i am using non-allergy detergents, non-allergy pillows and bedding, not changing cosmetics (do i have any cosmetic product? hmmm..) and i do not have any pets make no sense that it is contact dermatitis. After diagnosing myself as having tinea versicolour (i know it worse than dermatitis, but i think it is managable) i used dundruff shampoo which have 1% selenium sulfide to treat the spots. I applied it at bedtime, left it overnight and wash it off in the morning. It is a 'success', it become more swollen, red and painful.

Pardon me for my lack knowledge on medicine and i know i make more harm to myself. What should i do now? If this happens due to the 'batsu' thingy, i surrender je lah. So.. Jen How, i'm all yours now. Hyper-chondriac, no more.

The cost

Despite Pierce Brosnan's 52nd birthday and Teacher's Day yesterday, it was my 3rd anniversary of working in this company too. Celebrating it, here is how many hour i really work annualy and how much this company had paid me for an hour.

1) From the total 356 days a year, Sundays and odd Saturdays are excepted, counted as 78 days. Total days left are 287.

2) Annual leaves i take in average are 15 days per year, plus 15 days for national holidays. So, 287 - 15 - 15 = 257 days left.

3) Working time is about 8 hours a day, and that means i work 2,056 hours a year; 257 x 8 = 2,056.

4) One hour everyday goes to surfing the internet, games, blogging and chatting, means 257 hours. Total hour left = 1,799.

5) One hour goes to meals (lunch break & breakfast), means 257 hours used. Total hour left = 1,542.

6) Another one hour goes to talking, joking around and socializing, means another 257 hours wasted. Total hour left = 1,285.

7) This university offered 3 semesters yearly, and i dont have any classes or labs for the total 7 weeks short semester. So, 1,005 hours left; 7 weeks x 5 days x 8 hours = 280 hours.

8) From the total 1,005 hours, or 42 days of work annualy, they paid me RM 26.27 (USD6.60) for an hour! Lumayan sih!

Pump

The hiccups have already begun. Third time of the year.

Someone said that BN is now "Barang Naik". Oil companies of the world are now rationing the amount of gasoline they send to terminals as refineries struggle to make enough of the different specialty. Many industry analysts agree that rationing at the petrol terminals could easily lead to shortages of gas at the pump stations. There is nothing the average consumer can do right now. As long as consumers need to drive, they will continue to pay the prices at the pump.

What can we consumers do actually? Boycotts? Protests? No,jog to the office. Yeah, rite!

Footie lagi

When I wait for a football match, i spent a lot of my time dreaming about great goals. The word football sticks my eyes tighter to the screen than lovers grip (i do not like hectic stadium or mamak stall anymore guys, sorry!). But i don't believe that football is the greatest experience on earth. I don't even believe that football is the best game on earth. I've done something to forsake football. I've studied the rules and news, bought some megazines, jerseys; England's, MU's, Liverpool's and Barcelona's. Football's pull on my heart runs deep. It is my third love, after God and family. Though I tried to believe that the cliche wasn't true, it is. You'll never forget your loves, not even can try to avoid or ignore it. I'm not a die hard fan. For me, it's not the players and not the clubs. It's the game.

So, sorry BOSS. I may come a little bit late when the competition runs. Anyway, despite that controversial goal, Liverpool rocks!

It finally came, i think

Over all my weekend was fine!

Except for the severe pain on my back. On the left rib to be exact. I woke up somewhere around 6 a.m. and the first thing i asked myself when i became concious was why i cant move my torso. And moving seemed too hard. Back pain, muscle spasms. Not that it have come and gotten if i had remember. Not the night before. Not the other day. So, i assumed that it occurs due to my bad sleeping posture, i think. It really hurt that i let my baby sister done all the house work. Kesian Mala.

I did have one interesting superstitious fact on this. I have once offered SA to reassign his back pain to me. So I was sitting there, silently on the red couch, acutely playing a game i 'installed' weeks ago, and making 'good' progress too. I am ok with that.

My bloggie is 1 year now. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Uncursed

When you smile, I melt inside
I'm not worthy for a minute of your time
I really wish it was only me and you
I'm jealous of everybody in the room
Please don't look at me with those eyes

~First Date~

Exaggerating rite? I know, but i like exaggerating it. REALLY! ;)

Missed me?

"Dan mungkin bila nanti
Kita akan bertemu lagi
Satu pintaku jangan kau cuba
Tanyakan kembali rasa yang kutinggal mati.."

Aku tak tahu sama ada Malaysian Idol, Akademi Fantasia atau Audition. Jiran seberang blok, betul-betul bertentangan tingkap bilik aku akan mula menyanyi melalak-lalak setiap senja. Semalam dia nyanyi lagu "jantan terhangat di pasaran" macam kelmarin dan hari-hari sebelumnya. Ada satu hari yang mulia tu, dia melalak lagi bersama mercun warna-warni pukul 2 pagi. 2 pagi, masa aku tengah dibuai mimpi!

Kalau aku kata aku rindukan engkau, engkau percaya tak?

Jiran depan rumah pulak asyik menyanyi lagu Hindi. Kejap-kejap "kuch kuch hota hai" kejap-kejap "ladja ladja". Mungkin nak join DJ Dave buat album Hindi. Aku rasa kalau dapat aku intai mesti boleh nampak jiran depan rumah menari berguling-guling tukar-tukar baju 5-6 kali.

Kalau aku kata aku rindukan engkau, engkau percaya tak?

Jiran sebelah rumah resistant. Senyap sunyi macam rumah tinggal. Rumah senyap sunyi sangat pun buat aku rasa nak mengintai. Tak ada orang ke? Cuma sekali-sekala terdengar jiran sebelah rumah menjerit "goal!!" sama aku pukul 4 pagi. Mamat WHQ Perdana putih tu ada lagi tak Ezan?

Kalau aku kata aku rindukan engkau, engkau percaya tak?

Aku sudah tak lama lagi bersama jiran-jiran kiri, kanan, depan rumah aku. Nanti kalau aku sudah pindah, aku cuma boleh dengar cengkerik, ayam dan lembu menyanyi. Atau mungkin aku pulak yang akan menyanyi menari macam orang kena epilepsi. Esok aku nak cari rumah baru. Di Batang Berjuntai. Pernah dengar tak?

Kalau aku kata aku rindukan engkau, engkau percaya tak?

Footie and me

Remember Euro 2004? The one that i upsetly watch England’s failure to Portugal, and Portugal to Greece? I kept on and on frustrated to the team that i root for. Am i not good enough in predicting? Or is soccer will be better without my prediction? Have i should now stop peeking who won and who loose, what is the score and who scored it? Is it worthy if i support the opposite team to win instead? in hoping that my (yes, mine) real team would win?

Oh, please. Of all reasons, football is a game which i entertain myself by watching a star, a well-known player doing hatricks, tackles, shots and goals. And i do enjoy yelling “goal” 4:00am in the morning as much as the time i grab, cringe and push a pillow to my face when the other team scores.

Forget about Ronaldinho’s nice penalty shot and his magical goal through the tightest space of four blue jerseys. My prediction was false, AGAIN! And tomorrow, yes, I’ll root for Juventus! Sigh!

Al-Fatihah

With tonnes of shock and regret, I am announcing the passing of a student, a student who was very bright, polite, humble and helpful to his friends. His death has jolted me of how mortal and fragile the life is, and it is very real and near to us all.

Al-fatihah; Nazirul Hafiy bin Nor Azmi, 1986-2005

[Updated: 4:25pm]

Tak tahulah kenapa i still cant overcome this feeling, the shock and sadness. Teringat dialog terakhir dengan arwah;

Arwah :Cik boleh saya tengok carry mark saya?
Saya :Saya tak siap lagilah. Kenapa?
Arwah :Nak ready sebelum final.
Saya :Kalau awak, saya jamin boleh dapat 80% from the total mark.
Arwah :Ok ke cik?
Saya :Absolutely. Kalau nanti dalam 5 tahun lagi awak jumpa saya balik, saya gerenti awak dah jadi somebody dah. Dah jadi lebih baik dari saya mungkin.

But there is no 5 years for him, no 5 months, no 5 days either. "Kullu nafsin zaaikatul maut".

2nd March

Boleh tak kalau ada satu hari tu kita skip. Kalau kita tak nak 2nd March ada dalam kalender, macam 29 February. Kalau 2nd March tak ada, kira umur kita tak payah bertambah boleh tak? Boleh tak kalau kita tak payah ada birthday? Tak ada hari yg istimewa nak memperingati hari kelahiran kita, biar mak kita je yang ingat hari dia melahirkan kita, boleh tak? Boleh tak macam tu?

Unluckily, tak boleh. So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.. semalam!

Hotspots

I do appreciate life, you know. One of my many amusements lies in spotting symptoms of the planet earth and the decline of what is sometimes dangerously called HOTSPOTS. These hotspots are not one like a full-packed hang out place with chunk of great cooked aroma under your nose. I can promise that you dont like it either, do you? Hotspots, no more!

Song at the moment: HIJAU

Take a break!

You know you need a vacation when:

1) You find yourself thinking the reason of why you need a vacation.
2) You care so much of the weather.
3) You spend your off time thinking of work.
4) Weekend means nothing to you, you even hate it.
5) Most of your colleagues said "you need a break".
6) You answering calls at home using the office greeting.
7) You think that your backpack has worn out.
8) You forgot to queue and cram up to this year's travel fair!

Oh, yes I do.

Yang laut, yang darat

Dia tanya aku lagi. Soalan yang sama, bentuk yang berbeza. Aku tak jawab macam biasa. Atau jawapan aku akan tetap sama.
__________

Dia tanya aku, bila aku mungkin ditukar ke sana. Jawatan itu masih kosong. Boss di sana berkali-kali bertanya pasal aku. Tugas yang banyak sedang menunggu. Boss aku jugak berkali-kali melarang aku ke sana. Big Boss pun bagi larangan yang sama. Surat yang dihantar takkan dilayan! Kalau kau betul-betul tanya aku, aku mahu di sini atau di sana, aku sendiri tak tahu.

Aku boleh tulis surat lagi. Aku boleh bercakap dengan Boss dan Big Boss. Aku boleh buat apa-apa yang kau suruh. Tapi aku sendiri tak tahu. Aku di sini boleh, di sana pun boleh. Passion aku pada Chemistry belum habis, jodoh kami sungguh lama. Aku sendiri tak tahu!
__________

Dia yang lain tanya aku, malam ni aku free tak? Kau tanya lagi, walhal kau tahu jadual malam Isnin aku. Mula dari kau kata keluar makan, kau tukar kepada jalan-jalan, kemudian lagi kau tukar jadi dating dan terakhir sekali, hari ini jadi teman Valentine.

Tapi ada satu benda masih takkan berubah, status kau dan aku. Jauhkan teori enggang-pipit itu. Aku sudah beritahu, kau boleh cari aku lagi lepas kau graduate dari sini, lepas aku tak bertanggung-jawab atas markah dan kelas kau. Aku sangat pasti dengan polisi kau dan aku. Kalau polisi itu tak terlibat sekalipun, mungkin aku masih tak mahu. Jangan tanya aku lagi. Aku jadi serba salah.
__________

Soalan-soalan berulang buat aku jemu. Aku pejam mata sebelah dan buat-buat tak tahu. Dan ketika aku menaip, ada lagu tema didendang dalam otak subconcious aku.. "yang darat balik ke darat, yang laut balik ke laut"

Of a course and DR

Got loads of ideas on what to blog but somehow it seems that i got no time to type it down. For so much things had happened, and too much more were forgotten.

Anyway, i went to the Company's obligatory course last weekend, attended by the dean, head of departments and most of the anchors. I was nothing really, but my boss said it was good for my credential and for the naik gaji thingy. It was a small resort that got two huge ponds, and it seem very new and beautiful. I went straight into the room of 4 participants, where we can oversaw the ponds. Only that the water was brownish cloudy, but it was nice nevertheless!

In the course, we were given several tasks, and anyone who did bad will be eliminated. I was overjoyed in the first task, and that i did very well. The next day FSh was voted out. There were 3 of us left. When the physical task came, FSj and MA made such excuses and i done all swimming, climbing, crawling and rafting works by myself. I did well too. The very next day, MA was voted out. Opsiess.. ok, this whole paragraph was nonsense. Nobody was eliminated, but i wish if such course is to be happen, i want to be the first. I hate courses!

The only thing that i enjoy most was new found friendship i made with one really (i mean REALLY) big guy of the Company, that he then turn to an ordinary guy with very basic conversation. We talked about soccer, car, marriage, about me and him. And when it came to byes, i said that he will never be the guy i met here again. He then, sent me a note of many advices, macam wasiat. I am touched. This is what a friend for. I wish him all the best. Hoping our lives fill of great things. Goodbye DR, brace yourself for the future and beyond.

Cursed

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey.. (MZ awarded me with this song not too long ago, thanks pal!) Ok, let talk about principal; the key to a successful friendship is communication. That's the rule. And that still my corollary to the first rule. And i failed at this.

I said: "You know it isnt the best way of doing it, right? You are seriously dating him, that's why (people putting 'slut' after your name)". On a friend who's dating a guy while both of them are in a relationship. But she said i'm JEALOUS.

I said: "I know you want to be near me at all time as we always used to be but i think that i have my (very bloody own) life to take with". And she said i DONT CARE.

I said: "I know i am socially single and getting older now, but i dont think i have to get a boyfriend this soon." To my friend a.k.a unofficial matchmaker. And she said i am not be THANKFUL.

First of all, I wasn't aware that I was giving the impression that friendship is something bad to live with. I'm here merely stating the facts, without bias or embellishment: a simple camera pointed at the scene, recording it with complete neutrality. I am, frankly, shocked and disturbed that my friends might think i communicate to make the case that i am, say, jealous, dont care or not be thankful! Perfectly put into practice there, you can see, Sherlock Holmes's rule that, "Once you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable must be the truth." I am not anymore a sunshine. Not even a sigle lit. Not even at all. No!

Haiku hari Khamis

Aku dan kamu
Tujuh belas hari kah?
Itu pilihan.

Hujan

Tunggu sekejap wahai kasih
Tunggulah sampai hujan teduh
Mari kudendang
Jangan dikenang orang jauh
Jangan pulang
Jangan tinggalkan ku sorang
Belum puas kebercumbu dengan kanda..

Petang ni hujan lagi.

Dimudik dihilir

Aku sudah mula malas menulis dan malas membaca. Aku sudah mula kekeringan idea. Atau aku sudah mula menyampah dengan aku? uhh, jangan! Aku paksa diri menulis, sebab nanti orang kata blog aku dah mati (walau sebenarnya dah nazak). Dengan kemenyampahan itu jugak, aku tak mahu cerita pasal aku kali ni. Mungkin aku kena bercerita pasal orang lain. Orang yang lain selain aku. Contohnya Fauzan.

Fauzan kawan aku sekolah rendah. Dia sudah besar, bermisai dan berjanggut, tapi aku masih cam dia. Dia bawa perempuan comel yang dikata bini. Shahrin pun kawan sekolah rendah dan jiran depan rumah. Shahrin bakal arkitek. Shahrin ada kawannya yang hitam manis tinggi lampai itu. Shidah tinggal sebelah rumah Shahrin. Shidah sudah sibuk melayan si Ahmad sambil mendukung si Aiman. Suhana si engineer duduk PJ. Rumahnya seberang padang seberang jalan rumah aku. Suhana dan aku selalu kata "who's next?" atau "there she/he goes" dengan senyum kelat yang melekat. Si Fuad cikgu UPM duduk sebelah rumah Suhana. Dulu masa main titik-titik pen hitam pen merah atas buku matematik aku dia selalu kata "pokoknya pokok kelapa L". Aku tak faham, sampai sekarang.

Suhaimi, Izhan, Wati, Irwan.. aku tak dapat cerita semuanya. Semuanya kawan-kawan aku masa sekolah rendah. Jumpa kawan sekolah rendah, aku rasa masih hingusan. Hai.. setelah dimudik dihilir tetap sebulat semuara.. harap-harap akulah!

10 Hari

10 hari selepas tahun baru aku dah mula berlari-lari di tasik dealing with weight control. 10 hari selepas tahun baru aku belum kemaskini buku akaun, yang kononnya akan dikumpulkan dan digunakan untuk vacation, beli telescope & blah.. blah.. blah.., stop renting and start buying. 10 hari selepas tahun baru aku belum lagi daftar diri untuk kelas renang konon untuk menyelamat orang kalau si tsunami datang sini. 10 hari selepas tahun baru dah, tapi satu artikel atau journal pun haram belum siap. Dan 10 hari selepas tahun baru juga sandiwara kuih pau dan lolipop aku masih belum berhasil sebagai taktik mengorat. Aku ada 355 hari lagi, kalau umur panjang..

A growing man, he is

I couldn't quite remember the time he entered our big family. I was only 5. During his childhood, he was a kind of girlie type with his long red hair. I could clearly remember the way he asked me to tie up his hair everytime he wanted to play with Erna.

He is now 18 years old. Young and strong. He always feel strange in his own family, like it doesn't work the same way it always had. He thinks no one else is like him, that everybody is too harsh on him and dont appreciate what he do around. He even wonder how he got into a family as dull as his. But the thing is, his entire self has changed. He is irritable, silent and mad for no reason.

Anyway, somebody said that it is a normal process for a growing man. "He is being exposed to more and more foul language, blatantly rebellious attitude and people who are just plain carnal around him (excluding his family). He believes that life had just begun and that he'll live like forever, so he forgot how fragile the life is. Let him have fun, getting out of system, make mistakes, just growing and let him learn by his own. As long as he have faith, he'll be ok." Hmm.. i hope, i hope that he'll turn to that red-hair boy again.

A story about nothing

"What will you have for lunch?"
"I dont know. Ikan sembilang and some fried vege.. maybe. Why?
"Nothing. You said something yesterday. Why is it so?"
"Nothing."

"Have you thought about the direction your love-life is taking L? You may have certain questions about your romances, both past and present. Although this end-of-the-year period is traditionally one of reflection, and often of doubt, do not forget that the energy and effort you put in over the Summer will bring you the fruits you are seeking during the coming Spring. It is easy to get bogged down with excess emotional baggage, so try to keep a certain perspective and use the energy of the sociable Aquarius Moon to demonstrate to those around you that you are still sticking firmly to the path you have chosen to lead. You can also expect this Moon to bring you random moments of joy and laughter and your finances, although this may be difficult for you to believe, look set to evolve in a very positive manner over the next few days."

I could have have you.. Nothing.

Legally er.. blunder?

I like to think that i can take care of rudimentary legal problems in my life, driving licence, robbery, bank account shortage, insurance claim.. name it. But being faced with a troublesome "copyright" (the capital c in a circle) problem, i cant be on the ball. I am dangerously happy for a period of soaking, swimming or even absorbing liquids or solids with skull and crossed-bones and countless warning than this particular thingy with a bang. Ok, one local megazine has published my article (this is the good side of the story) BUT by someone else's name! Duh! What the hell? So i checked this out:

"Ownership of a copyright, or of any of the exclusive rights under a copyright, is distinct from ownership of any material object in which the work is embodied. Transfer of ownership of any material object, including the copy or phonorecord in which the work is first fixed, does not of itself convey any rights in the copyrighted work embodied in the object; nor, in the absence of an agreement, does transfer of ownership of a copyright or of any exclusive rights under a copyright convey property rights in any material object."

I am going to take offence today to have some clarifications. I have a bone to pick with them. Do i need a lawyer? Oh, by the way, that named person has a LLB from a local uni after her name. I'm sure she knows well in advance. Eh satu lagi, tengok Tiger Cup tak semalam? The Thai's scorer tu off side kan?

JD

Till we meet again in the next season! '..but i do feel i will miss you much, miss you much..' sob sob!

When she cries

I was watching people swinging in a pack LRT ride from Taman Melati to KL Sentral on Saturday (thanks for the invitation, again!) when a woman dressed in blue suddenly accosted me in a low voice. Her eyes filled with tears. "I have tried to make things work." She took another deep breathe to fought back the tears and looked through the window. "What i'm going to do?" she said in a meek voice and firmly wraped her arms around her torso.

I pity her so much but i was numb, i couldn't say a word. I hold her hand while she rested her head on my shoulder and begin to sob. "Sometimes its okay to give up, and let nature do it's own way." Shut up! With that sentence, she cried more. So, i let her cry and muted myself. Anyway, i dont know her, but i recognize the pain she suffered. She left with a smile, and i really hope that she'll be ok. This is for you, be strong!

Nonetheless, it's mak's birthday! So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAK!

Four weddings and a funeral

I met a retired teacher Marie, who suffered from a fatal illness last year. She was a small figured lady with pale skin and wide smile. Aged almost 60. She smelled faintly sour, the way people on medication sometimes do. The doctor guessed she had 2 years left, but she knew it was less. On firm tenderly grip of our fingers, she asked; "tell me dear, what are you going to have in 5 years time, which i may not know." So, i told her about studies, big houses and cars, my own kindergarten and my beautiful raising children. Period. She smiled and said; "where's your husband?" Bingo!

To my just-married friends; Nadiah and Azizan, Aini and Rahmat, Sarah and Suffian, Siti and Zul, may the love that brought you together continue to blossom and flourish throughout your lives. And to you Marie, may you rest in peace.

Pardon me; I am sick!

I was sick last weekend. And am still not feeling well today. Neither climate changes nor tenses made me so. Cause is unknown. I have been sicker every week for the past few months.

God, i hate to be sick. I promptly spent one and half hour over the toilet. I woke up at 2am on and off puking and sleeping all night. So i went to the doctor on Sunday who took about 20 minutes checking here and there to tell me that i got Mr. Migraine, Ms. Gastritis and food poisoning of some sort. The doctor told me to take some serious rest for 2 days and then I should be ok for Wednesday. I am feeling only a small bit better, and I really dont expect it to get better. I am sick of my sicknesses. But anyone who isn't disturbed by the sickness that sickens them everytime they feel sick are sicker than me! Oh, by the way, thanks for Mr. Sony to entertain me while i was heavenly lying around doing nothing those MC days. Hmm, what happen to the prom? Mr. Sony?

A raya is

If i complete my duty to fast and pay zakat; i am just an ordinary muslim. If i decorate my house perfectly with beautiful curtains and strands of twinkling lights; i am just another decorator. If i slave away in the kitchen, baking dozens of cookies and preparing gourment meals; i am just another cook. If i am contributing some money or clothes to the kids; i am just another philantrophist. So, on one dark, dreary and raining raya i asked my baby cousins about what a raya is.

"Raya tu bila kita pakai baju raya, makan kuih raya, dapat duit raya, pergi jalan raya.. itu la raya!" Aiyoh.. itu maciam pun bole ka? I need to be as simple as kids then!

SELAMAT HARI RAYA (yes, belated i know)

Kuih

Ada kuih bakar, tepung pelita, karipap, roti jala, kuih yang biji-biji warna merah dengan kelapa dan kuih yang entah aku pun tak tahu namanya. Ada jugak air minuman sejuk bermacam warna. Air kelapa, air soya, air tebu, air tembikai dan air warna biru itu air apa? Lauk pauk pun beraneka macam. Masakan ikan, ayam, daging; direndang, digulai, dipercik (yum..yum) dimasak itu ini. Sayur campur yang masak cuma 5 minit pun ada. Bulan puasa dah jadi pesta makan dan pesta makanan! Aku tak mahu kuih apa-apa. Tak mahu lauk apa-apa. Aku tak ingin apa-apa. Aku cuma nak makan dengan kamu. Aku nak kamu makan dengan aku. Sigh!

Mak, tengah masak apa tu?

Dont be messin' with ME

Tired and sick of working. Putting it simple, I have a VERY bad hair day. Hate it! Fortunately, there are still reasons for me staying here, (either than the fact that I'm bonded for that PTPTN stuff). Work is pretty easy as no one is breathing down my neck. So it’s kinda like heaven for lazy people. Don't get me wrong, I love work, but it has to be done systematically, the right personnel, the right way. I don't feel I owe anything to them after what they've put me through. I'd tried settling the loan funds; they insisted me to pay the entire amount or RM18K. I told myself to give it one more shot obviously I missed. I guess it's the only way or the highway.

Had a great time at kampung last weekend. Despite it, life is still lonely and seemed to be lacking in purpose. Can't seem to stay focus on anything I do. Perhaps it’s really a sign to strive forward instead of looking back in the past. I'm totally messed up; still not in one piece.

Kuliah Ramadhan III

Khutbah Rasulullah menyambut Ramadhan III (Akhir)

"Wahai manusia, sesungguhnya kamu akan dinaungi oleh bulan yang senantiasa besar lagi penuh keberkahan, yaitu bulan yang di dalamnya ada suatu malam yang lebih baik dari seribu bulan; bulan yang Allah telah menjadikan puasanya suatu fardhu, dan qiyam di malam harinya suatu tathawwu'. Barangsiapa mendekatkan diri kepada Allah dengan suatu pekerjaan kebajikan di dalamnya, samalah dia dengan orang yang menunaikan suatu fardhu di dalam bulan yang lain. Ramadhan itu adalah bulan sabar, sedangkan sabar itu adalah pahalanya surga. Ramadhan itu adalah bulan memberi pertolongan (syahrul muwasah) dan bulan Allah memberikan rizqi kepada mukmin di dalamnya."

"Barangsiapa memberikan makanan berbuka seseorang yang berpuasa, adalah yang demikian itu merupakan pengampunan bagi dosanya dan kemerdekaan dirinya dari neraka. Orang yang memberikan makanan itu memperoleh pahala seperti orang yang berpuasa tanpa sedikitpun berkurang."

Para sahabat berkata, "Ya Rasulullah, tidaklah semua kami memiliki makanan berbuka puasa untuk orang lain yang berpuasa. Maka bersabdalah Rasulullah saw, "Allah memberikan pahala kepada orang yang memberi sebutir kurma, atau seteguk air, atau sehirup susu. Dialah bulan yang permulaannya rahmat,pertengahannya ampunan dan akhirnya pembebasan dari neraka. Barangsiapa meringankan beban dari budak sahaya (termasuk di sini para pembantu rumah) niscaya Allah mengampuni dosanya dan memerdekakannya dari neraka."

"Oleh karena itu banyakkanlah yang empat perkara di bulan Ramadhan; dua perkara untuk mendatangkan keridhaan Tuhanmu, dan dua perkara lagi kamu sangat menghajatinya. Dua perkara yang pertama ialah mengakui dengan sesungguhnya bahwa tidak ada Tuhan selain Allah dan mohon ampun kepada-Nya .Dua perkara yang kamu sangat memerlukannya ialah mohon surga dan perlindungan dari neraka."

"Barangsiapa memberi minum kepada orang yang berbuka puasa, niscaya Allah memberi minum kepadanya dari air kolam-Ku dengan suatu minuman yang dia tidak merasakan haus lagi sesudahnya, sehingga dia masuk ke dalam syurga."

(HR. Ibnu Huzaimah).

Kuliah Ramadhan II

Khutbah Rasulullah menyambut Ramadhan II

Wahai manusia! Barang siapa di antaramu memberi buka kepada orang-orang mukmin yang berpuasa di bulan ini, maka di sisi ALLAH nilainya sama dengan membebaskan seorang budak dan dia diberi ampunan atas dosa-dosa yang lalu. (Sahabat-sahabat lain bertanya: "Ya Rasulullah! Tidaklah kami semua mampu berbuat demikian."Rasulullah meneruskan:) Jagalah dirimu dari api neraka walaupun hanya dengan sebiji kurma. Jagalah dirimu dari api neraka walaupun hanya dengan seteguk air.

Wahai manusia! Siapa yang membaguskan akhlaknya di bulan ini ia akan berhasil melewati sirathol mustaqim pada hari ketika kaki-kaki tergelincir. Siapa yang meringankan pekerjaan orang-orang yang dimiliki tangan kanannya(pegawai atau pembantu) di bulan ini, ALLAH akan meringankan pemeriksaan-Nya di hari kiamat. Barangsiapa menahan kejelekannya di bulan ini, ALLAH akan menahan murka-Nya pada hari ia berjumpa dengan-Nya.

Barang siapa memuliakan anak yatim di bulan ini, ALLAH akan memuliakanya pada hari ia berjumpa dengan-Nya. Barang siapa menyambungkan tali persaudaraan (silaturahmi) di bulan ini, ALLAH akan menghubungkan dia dengan rahmat-Nya pada hari ia berjumpa dengan-Nya. Barang siapa memutuskan kekeluargaan di bulan ini, ALLAH akan memutuskan rahmat-Nya pada hari ia berjumpa dengan-Nya. Barangsiapa melakukan shalat sunat di bulan ini, ALLAH akan menuliskan baginya kebebasan dari api neraka. Barangsiapa melakukan shalat fardu baginya ganjaran seperti melakukan 70 shalat fardu di bulan lain. Barangsiapa memperbanyak shalawat kepadaku di bulan ini,ALLAH akan memberatkan timbangannya pada hari ketika timbangan meringan. Barangsiapa di bulan ini membaca satu ayat Al-Quran, ganjarannya sama seperti mengkhatam Al-Quran pada bulan-bulan yang lain.

Wahai manusia! Sesungguhnya pintu-pintu surga dibukakan bagimu, maka mintalah kepada Tuhanmu agar tidak pernah menutupkannya bagimu. Pintu-pintu neraka tertutup, maka mohonlah kepada Rabbmu untuk tidak akan pernah dibukakan bagimu. Setan-setan terbelenggu, maka mintalah agar ia tak lagi pernah menguasaimu. Amirul mukminin k.w. berkata: "Aku berdiri dan berkata:

"Ya Rasulullah! Apa amal yang paling utama di bulan ini?" Jawab Nabi:
"Ya Abal Hasan! Amal yang paling utama di bulan ini adalah menjaga diri dari apa yang diharamkan ALLAH".

Kuliah Ramadhan I

Khutbah Rasulullah menyambut Ramadhan.

"Wahai manusia! Sungguh telah datang pada kalian bulan ALLAH dengan membawa berkah rahmat dan maghfirah. Bulan yang paling mulia disisi ALLAH. Hari-harinya adalah hari-hari yang paling utama. Malam-malamnya adalah malam-malam yang paling utama. Jam demi jamnya adalah jam-jam yang paling utama.

Inilah bulan ketika kamu diundang menjadi tetamu ALLAH dan dimuliakan oleh-NYA. Di bulan ini nafas-nafasmu menjadi tasbih, tidurmu ibadah, amal-amalmu diterima dan doa-doamu diijabah. Bermohonlah kepada ALLAH Rabbmu dengan niat yang tulus dan hati yang suci agar ALLAH membimbingmu untuk melakukan shiyam dan membaca Kitab-Nya. Celakalah orang yang tidak mendapat ampunan ALLAH di bulan yang agung ini.

Kenanglah dengan rasa lapar dan hausmu kelaparan dan kehausan di hari kiamat. Bersedekahlah kepada kaum fuqara dan masakin. Muliakanlah orang tuamu, sayangilah yang muda, sambungkanlah tali persaudaraanmu, jaga lidahmu, tahan pandanganmu dari apa yang tidak halal kamu memandangnya dan pendengaranmu dari apa yang tidak halah kamu mendengarnya. Kasihilah anak-anak yatim, niscaya dikasihi manusia anak-anak yatimmu.

Bertaubatlah kepada ALLAH dari dosa-dosamu. Angkatlah tangan-tanganmu untuk berdoa pada waktu shalatmu karena itulah saat-saat yang paling utama ketika ALLAH Azza wa Jalla memandang hamba-hamba-Nya dengan penuh kasih; Dia menjawab mereka ketika mereka menyeru-Nya, menyambut mereka ketika mereka memanggil-Nya dan mengabulkan doa mereka ketika mereka berdoa kepada-Nya.

Wahai manusia! Sesungguhnya diri-dirimu tergadai karena amal-amalmu, maka bebaskanlah dengan istighfar. Punggung-punggungmu berat karena beban (dosa) mu, maka ringankanlah dengan memperpanjang sujudmu.Ketahuilah! ALLAH ta'ala bersumpah dengan segala kebesaran-Nya bahwa Dia tidak akan mengazab orang-orang yang shalat dan sujud, dan tidak akan mengancam mereka dengan neraka pada hari manusia berdiri di hadapan Rabb al-alamin.

Him

I've wrote this some time ago in my cyber diary:

"I really hope he’ll never know about my writings. I mean this webby. My cyber diary. As I finally discovered something; meeting him does one of the most desiring things I have ever hope (in good means). I find him as a person with full of emotions. He turns hot and cold in a swift. It made me feel as there’s still so much thing I don’t know about him. I find him quite bewildering. It’s like meeting a new guy as much as I turn to see his small eyes. I met him last night. This impressive, arousing, unexpected guy. I’m down with his advent. I have realized something upbeat to the eminence life of mine recently, after knowing him. Before, I was like most young woman whose just came from an awful breakup. I was isolating myself from the whole world. Stayed in my room, alone; jogging, reading, skiping meals, writing, reading, movie watching, sleeping, reading, bla.. bla.. bla.. A complete picture of a disorganized lonely life. Now, he has done wonders to me. I have learnt to appreciate my life well. I have learnt to care for his feeling, aside from mine which was far from similarities. I have learnt not to become self centered and find delight in seeing him smile or laugh. I learnt that there’s always somebody I can talk and listen to. And that is him.

This way or another, I guess, that’s one of tons uncounted reasons for admiring him. Yeah.. I like him. I admit it. Sincerely."

Happy Birthday to HIM

A bad hair day

"Repunzel, Repunzel let down your hair that I could climb the golden iron stair."

Ok, this is the story. I want to get my hair cut. I told the hairdresser so many times to leave the longest part alone, but she cut it shorter and shorter everytime she cut off the back part. What I really wanted was trim my hair and put some layer on both fringes so it wont look so volume and heavy. I love my Repunzel hair. [You look younger this way] I dont care if i look like an Ah Soh, I love my Repunzel hair. [See, your small cute face really suit the hair cut] Cute? Your head-lah. Did my red teary eyes look cute to you? [It's look like two hairdressers get their job done] Waaa.. I want my hair back! [Ok then, I'll give you some discount. Total = RM25.00] My lost hair is uncomparable you know.. sob.. sob.. Grow fast my dear hair. Grow fast and healthy.

"The golden iron stair has gone mama, tho the Prince is up here and we will live happily ever after."

When paper meets pencil

I was drawing again. It was the picture of a lost guy in his journey and his determination to be back whence he came all by his ownself. I did my best, but could not finish it. I always wanted to draw a picture of such beauty, which help me feeling the wonder of daily life, for it speaks in colours, curves and lines. A picture that carry the colour of life that reaches into my heart. Oh, forget about it. Jangan kutuk tau!

Haiku hari Selasa

Ketaidenwa oto
Yume meiki
Aishite imasu

Telefon berbunyi
Mengingat mimpi
Saya sayang kamu

Telephone rang
Remember the dreams
I love you

A haiku is Japanese peotic form, that contain seventeen syllables arranged in five,seven and five syllables respectively in three rows. And my Malay version haiku have 20 syllables, with eight, five and seven syllables for each rows. It's mine!

Inertia

The tendency of matter to remain at rest if at rest or to remain in motion in a straight line if in motion, unless pushed or pulled by an unbalanced force. [Newton's First Law]

For some reasons, trying hard to fix things isn't enough. I'm so tired and sick of sticking around even after direct and indirect signals, that i am not good at this. Maybe its the sheer inertia that stopping me to go further. Maybe its the geek thing in me that reluctant to change my routine and have a fresh new look. Maybe theres no force to keep my feet off the ground. Maybe i'm too scared. And maybe its because of YOU.

Doubutsu

Hari ini while having lunch ada seorang student duduk depan aku dengan baju hitam bertulisan hiragana. Aku cuma cam tiga suku kata, do u _ shi. Aku tulis dalam buku nota kecil satu lagi suku kata yang aku kurang cam. Sekarang aku dah tahu. Satu lagi suku kata itu 'bu' dan suku kata akhir itu rupanya 'tsu'. Jadi perkataan itu rupanya 'doubutsu' kata melayunya haiwan. Oh, satu kronologi menarik - seORANG student memakai baju DOUBUTSU dengan tulisan besar.

Jadi kalau dia boleh interpretasikan sesuatu dengan tulisan hiragana pada baju, jadi kalau aku, aku akan pilih tulisan yang begini pada baju :"Aku tak mahu pergi mesyuarat petang ini sebab aku malas dan aku sakit perut" Boleh begitu? Dan Harimu san sahaja yang akan faham. Matta arimashou!

What gives?

Here's what we got in Budget 2005.

121. [bla.. bla.. bla..] Untuk menjadikan profesion kedoktoran awam lebih remuneratif, Kerajaan akan melaksanakan kaedah rawatan swasta di hospital awam terpilih bermula dengan Hospital Putrajaya dan Selayang.

And here's what we got in the Minister's speech.

9. [bla.. bla.. bla..] ..beberapa kelemahan yang sering diperkatakan oleh rakyat. Isu yang menjadi buah mulut kini tidak melainkan long waiting time. Antara lainnya, diharapkan pengagihan sumber yang seimbang akan mengurangkan waiting time dan sudah pasti tindakan ini dapat memberi kepuasan kepada rakyat selaku pelanggan Kementerian.

I think it's funny to give the bees another comb. Dan kau tahu tak betapa susahnya aku terpaksa mencari baju batik tu?

Sleepless in SA

At night, as light fades, cells in the retina of the eye send a signal to a cluster of nerve cells located in the hypothalamus, in the center of the brain. These cells in turn send a message to the pineal gland in the brain to produce the hormone melatonin, which causes a drop in body temperature and sleepiness. At the same time, another cluster of nerve cells in the brain is believed to deactivate three major chemical messengers in the body, that keep us alert: histamine, norephinephrine, and serotonin.

Ok, so if insomnia occurs, there's something wrong.
1) It is not night.
2) You did'nt switch off the light.
3) Retina send a wrong signal, she's myopic.
4) Hypothalamus have move out from Central Brain.
5) Pineal Gland was broke, he cant produce anything.
6) Cluster deactivate caffeine and PEA.
7) You keep thinking what have gone wrong.

Offside

"Dah 30 tahun hidup, tak tau apa yang paling menyeronokkan" [3:57am]

Aku diam waktu tu. Diam sebab mamai lagi. Diam sebab aku tak faham. Diam sebab aku pun tak tahu nak cakap apa. Bangun je pagi-pagi tadi tak semena-mena aku teringat benda kau buat yang pernah jadi perkara yang paling menyeronokkan dalam hidup aku.

3 tahun dulu, kau datang lebih kurang 10 minit lepas azan subuh, kau kata kau nak cepat. Aku sarung tudung kepala yang kalernya tak matching dengan pijama Mickey Mouse biru aku. Aku terpaksa terpisat-pisat keluar dari bilik menuju ke parking lot sebelum lagi aku solat subuh. Aku jumpa kau tersengih-sengih dalam gelap. Aku tanya kau kenapa, kau sengih lagi. Aku beritahu kau, aku belum gosok gigi. Kau sengih jugak. Aku rasa macam nak tertidur balik.

"Will you marry me?" Kau tanya aku sambil hulur cincin bermata satu dalam kotak baldu warna biru. Aku pandang kiri kanan sebab ingat kau cakap dengan orang lain. Waktu tu kepala lutut rasa lembik. Rasa nak nangis. Kau tahu tak itu antara perkara yang paling menyeronokkan dalam hidup aku? Oh, dan kebetulan semalam masa bertelefon, aku masih pakai pijama Mickey Mouse biru tu. Cuma cincin bermata satu itu tak ada lagi di jari aku.

"Why dont you try to kick a goal?" MA pernah tanya aku tentang kau.
"I was in an offside position" Aku telan 660mg PEA pagi ni.

On choices and time

There's an e-mail telling me on how to insert golf balls, pebbles, sand and coffee to fit in a jar. Fill it first with golf balls, pebbles, sand and finally coffee, so that the jar will be enough for the whole things. Say that the jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - your God, family, children, health and friends. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff. And dont ever forget for a couple of cups of coffee. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter.

Perhaps anyone of us would probably realize that our life is shaped by the time. On when is the right time to wake up, to be in the office, to have lunch, to get back home and finally go to bed. But time did'nt tell us when it stops. If God grant me for 25 years to live, isnt i just too old now? Too old to get my jar filled. I'm running out of time too.

'Kullu nafsin zaaiqatul maut'

The month of Rejab

We have come to the special months when Allah (SWT) extends His mercy and forgiveness to the highest levels. For instance, it is Friday in the weekdays, and In the Islamic calender, the months of Rejab, Sya'ban, and Ramadan are the such to name. Tomorrow is the 1st day of Rejab. Jom pakat puasa ramai-ramai!

"O my Allah pour out much blessings for us in Rejab and Sya'ban, make us reach safely Ramadhan, and take up abstinence and uprightness (fasting and prayers), careful in our speech, turning the eyes from ugliness (the unlawful); and do not let us hunger for food and thirst for water while we observe fast. O Allah ! make the new moon appear, for us with security; iman, safety and Islam. (O moon) my Lord and Your Lord is Allah the Mighty and Grand."

Wake-up call pukul 5:00am pulak ye, kita sahur sama!

Pleonasm

"It is possible that ye dislike a thing which is good for you, and that ye love a thing which is bad for you. But God knoweth, and ye know not" [2:216]

(1) SMS contest is HARAM (forbidden): GOOD
(2) "Waris, summary kena buat balik!" : Hmm.. still GOOD
(3) S****Y promorter said "itu EURO punya ah? you tengok ini VCD [Aerobics] lagi baik loo" sambil gelak-gelak tengok aku pegang choc brownies dan aiskrim : What the.. ??? NOT GOOD!

It's hard to find God in simple things.

100 Days and counting

If i am schooling, i am 100 times smarter. If i am on vacation, i've broke and probably lost in Rome. If i plant a seed, it grows and reach the same height as mine. If i am pregnant, my baby measures about 4 inches and weighs 3 ounces. But if 100 days of nothing baby, i'm blase."100 days had made me older, since the last time that i saw your pretty face"

2 Things i hate about you..

Ha ha.. Hari ni aku free.. FREE, ha ha.. boleh gelakkan orang yang jadualnya ketat sendat padat. Ha ha.. Syukur, Tuhan kurniakan aku hari Khamis yang mulia kasi aku rehat cukup-cukup. Even tak payah fikir pasal ke mana hilangnya tong air suling aku. Ha ha.. esok orang pulak gelakkan aku, gelakkan sampai hari Sabtu!

Hari ni awal pagi lagi aku dah rasa sayu, suddenly terkenang cinta K3G Naina pada Rahul. Kata Naina "Takpelah kalau kisah cinta aku tak berkesudahan, tapi janji dengan aku, tamatkan kisah cinta kau Rahul". Oh, rasanya macam tu. Aku tak mahu jadi Naina, atau Rahul. Aku tak mampu jadi Naina, atau Rahul. Jangan mintak aku jadi Naina, atau Rahul. Jangan paksa aku.

"I hate it when you're not around
And the fact that you didn't call,
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you;
Not even close;
Not even a little bit;
Not even at all."
Kat; 10 Things I Hate About You

Tak apa, yang penting aku free.. FREE, dan masih perasan terkena bahana cinta sayu. Relevan?.. entahlah. Sekejap, aku check PEA aku.

A new shoes and a shoes

Shopping spree! Shopping spree! And i need a new pair of shoes. I'd been thinking of buying one for a while, imagining what it would be like. I'd like a half/full covered with non-skid sole as i work at the lab most of the time. It begins with the right materials, the right comfy, and above all a real smart look of both insole and outsole. I've been facing some difficulties with these current shoes and it didn't have the right amount of stresses for the job required.

Although i've done all the selection, i'd put off making the final purchase. I wasn't sure if i was quite ready for such replacement - and to be honest i was scared i'd end up buying the wrong shoes and wind up being disappointed. These old shoes had been with me through good and bad times, and it understands me well. A new shoes does'nt guarantee a hassle-free, rite? But anyway i need a new shoes, and a shoes.

Pastman

When i was about to begin the class session, i saw a familiar well known face rushed into the lab. He was late. I recognize his style. I known him for so long, only that we were technically out of touch due to me migrating here for the past few years. I cant believe this, i cant believe that i bump into this guy again. I remember those times we had every Saturday night together, experiencing the beauty and stillness of the night. I remember the face who took my nothingness and gave something better in return. Ashraf Mustaqim, he is.

Well.. he is my Astronomy little 'sifu'. He taught me about the stars, about the charm of the sky every Saturday night. He introduced me to Prof Chong Hon Yew, an expert in Astronomy and he made me believe that the world is not enough for me. Hmm.. "Okay, lets start the class now."

What a word can summarize

Moral: Watch your words.

Exodus

I have completely cleared out of my old place and have everything under one roof again in my new house. Of course there's still lots and lots of work to do - unpacking for one thing, filling some empty spaces in the kitchen, thinking of the bedroom new look, chaos in the closet, unmanaged ants problem, bla.. bla.. bla.. Being too tired doing the new house. I went on tak larat day after day after getting home from the office, so the cleaning process delayed. Well.. for the time being, it's just a new tongkang pecah.

And now dear friends.. i am strugling to understand Sasser Worm, cause my pc was infected! Darn! Darn that 18-years old German boy.